- Ahh, oh my god!
(woman screaming)
- Run!
(menacing string music)
Okay, I think we lost him.
The police should be here any minute.
All we have to do --
(Zach screams)
- All you have to do is die.
(Zach screams)
(girl screams)
(menacing string music)
- Zach!
- You better think twice before having sex
or you'll join them.
- Wait, why did you kill my friends?
- I answer the dark spirit's call
by killing impure non-virgins.
- So all my friends had sex, every single one of 'em?
- Yes, and if you follow them,
I'll come for you next.
- I've done it too, just like them.
- It?
- Yeah, like sex stuff, I've had it.
- Wait, really?
- Yeah, like loads of times, uh,
at least 10, maybe more.
I guess you could call me a slut.
- You?
- Yeah, I've probably even done it with like
twin brothers or something.
(killer growls)
- I don't know.
- Well, I know I have done it, okay?
So can we just drop it?
- What's it like then?
Describe it.
- Eww, no!
- Well, if you've had sex before,
you'd be able to describe it.
- Fine, okay!
So, it's so fun I do it like boys,
or men, I mean, um, so he'll, like, come over
and we'll watch a movie or something.
Then he'll turn and be like, "Hey, cool if I kiss you?"
And I'll nod and um, like flirt with him,
and then we'll kiss and like do other stuff.
- Other stuff, what does that mean?
- I'll like, inflate his penis by like,
like pumping on his balls.
No, no, no, no!
Sorry, his pants, weiner will, will, um,
it will contact my like pant private parts, um.
- It honestly sounds like you don't even know what sex is.
- I definitely do because I've had it, okay,
and I don't have to prove myself to you;
you're a murderer.
- If you've had so much sex, just name one person
you've had sex with.
- Um, Zach over there.
(Zach spits up)
- No we didn't.
- Nevermind, it was a different Zach.
So many Zachs have like been in and out
of my bedroom, it's hard to like, keep them straight.
- Okay.
(Zach gurgles)
- Look, I know I'm a psychopath and this is
out of character for me, but why are you so
embarrassed about being a virgin?
It's not a big deal.
People are ready for sex at different times.
- Yeah, and I was ready so I did it!
There is nothing I love more than gettin'
all hot and bothered and puttin' my balls in things.
- Your balls?
Oh Jesus, where did you grow up?
This is why we need better sex education in this country.
- It was a mistake.
- You know, the virgin usually lives in these things,
so it'd actually help you to be the virgin.
- Dang, I wish I was a virgin.
It's too bad I'm not though, so I'll just have to die
along with my friends, who have also had a shit-ton of sex.
(chainsaw roars)
- You're sure?
- Yeah!
- You're really not a virgin?
- No way.
- Okay, 'cause I'm gonna have to kill you then.
- Just do it, I've had sex for sure.
(zapping)
Come on!
- I guess it's not working because you're clearly a virgin.
- I'm not though.
(zapping)
- Gaww, it must be broken or something!
- Stop lying!
(killer screams)
Come on, even he's had sex.
Oooh, okay, this is the year,
2017, gonna do it, gonna get it done.
Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor.
If you wanna subscribe, click over here,
and for more fun stuff, click over here.
And if you want access to College Humor's secret site,
make sure you send your Social Security number,
your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name
in a private message to me.