-Hi, in this video,
I'm going to share three ways that you can know
if your love will last.
[music]
Hi there, Mat Shaffer,
your empowerment connection and relationship coach here.
I am a former attorney
who's committed to using his powers for good,
and has dedicated his life to supporting women
and creating deeper, more fulfilling connections with men.
I am so excited to be here to talk about this topic,
which is really a big question that I get asked
a lot by my clients and by my students all the time.
How do I know if my love is going to last?
I've got some powerful questions you can ask yourself
to really check in and discover and find out
if it's going to last, but before we do that,
take a second, hit that little subscribe button,
and don't forget to click the link
in the comments and caption.
I have created some great training that I know
is really going to help you
in your dating and relationships.
Check that out, and now let's dive into this.
How do you know if your love's going to last?
Let's tell a little context.
There's a big principle that I want you to embrace here.
It's that people come into your life for a reason,
a season, or a lifetime.
Not all loves were meant to last forever.
Let's release that expectation that every relationship
and every connection we get into with a man
needs to go the distance.
Some are simply not meant to last forever,
and that's okay, but there are some questions.
There are some things you can look at and ways to check in
with yourself and with your connection to find out
and get some clarity around the trajectory
and the length of a relationship you're probably looking at.
Let's start off with some basic assumptions.
I am assuming that you are in a connection with a man.
You've fostered some degree of relationship with a guy.
In that connection, you have good chemistry.
There is a polarity, there's a pull,
there is attraction between the two of you
that it shows up in the bedroom.
It shows up in your dynamic.
There were sparks between the two of you.
I'm assuming that that exists.
The second assumption I'm making is that you guys
have congruent capacities for intimacy.
Meaning that you understand each other's love languages
and attachment style, and you're able to make each other
feel good in the relationship.
You're able to communicate and demonstrate
and express love to each other in a way that lands
for the other person.
I did a whole other video on that,
that I'll link in the description.
Be sure to check that out as well,
so you can really get clear on
are you speaking the same language when it comes to love.
The third assumption I'm making before we dive
into this stuff is that you are both in the right time
for the relationship you're looking for.
You're both in the same chapter of life.
You're both looking for roughly the same type
of relationship with each other
because there's another phrase that I love to use
is that the right person at the wrong time
is still the wrong person.
If you meet your dream guy,
but he's in the middle of a messy divorce,
he's probably not in the right time
to foster a deep meaningful relationship with you.
If these three basic assumptions are met,
then it's time to ask three big questions
that will really help you determine
if your love is meant to last.
Let's dive in on.
Now the first important question to ask yourself
when we're looking at, can a love be sustainable is,
do you manage conflict in a healthy way?
Because that's the thing no matter
how great your relationship is,
there is going to be conflict, and that you need to have.
If you want a love to last for a significant amount of time,
you got to have a process in place to manage that,
and work through that in a healthy way.
Are you able to give and receive feedback with your partner?
By feedback, I mean, are you able to tell him how you feel?
Is he able to tell you how he feels,
especially when he doesn't agree?
If he's not feeling good about you,
if he's not feeling good
about something that happened with you,
is there a safe space in the relational container
for him to be able to communicate that to you?
I invite you to have a feedback process
in place with your partner.
I talked about this in another video as well,
but it really boils down to really a three-step process.
The first step is you ask for permission, you say,
"Hey, can I give you feedback?
Can I share with you what's coming up for me right now?"
He's going to say, "Yes, of course,"
and then you use this framework.
When you said or did blah, the story I made up about it
is blah, which led to me feeling blah.
When you told me to hurry up
because we were late for dinner, the story I made up
about it is that you were mad at me,
and that I wasn't moving fast enough for you,
which made me feel irrelevant and disrespected,
and whatever else.
You're basically helping him understand the way
that his behavior led to your emotions without blaming him
for your emotions.
You're taking responsibility for the way that you feel.
That's an example of a feedback process.
There's a lot of different ones out there.
That's one that I like to use with my clients,
and I'll link to that in the description as well.
Just go ahead and have a feedback process
in place with your partner,
so that you guys can manage conflict effectively.
Another great way to manage conflict
is to have a 24-hour rule in place.
If you guys are having a fight, if you're having a conflict,
if somebody is triggered, being able to take the time
to just give each other space,
so that you can come back together in a more cool downstate
and talk about your feelings in a grounded, reasonable way,
it's going to make a big difference.
Now, a second big question to determine if your love
is sustainable and can it last is,
are you able to hold space for each other?
It's the act of listening to what your partner has to say
in an active way that is fully focused on supporting them.
When you're holding space for your partner,
usually it's because they're going through something
or they have something to express.
I did a video on this as well
that I'll link in the comments,
but it's basically you asking them,
"Would you like to share with me what's coming up for you?"
They're going to go ahead and they're going to vent to you,
whatever it is, that's coming up for them.
"Hey, I can see that you've had a bad day.
Would you like me to hold space for you?
Can I hold space for you?
Would you like to share with me what's been going on?"
and then they'll say, "Okay, yes, great."
They'll talk to you about their day,
or whatever has been going on in their lives
they're really struggling with right now.
All your job is to do is to listen and not take
what they're saying personally because sometimes
that's a big part of holding space,
is that some of what they might have to say or communicate,
it might involve you.
Part of their bad day might have been that they texted you
earlier that day, and you didn't respond,
and they felt unsupported by that.
Part of holding spaces, you don't get defensive,
you don't shut down,
and you don't take personally what your partner is sharing
with you because it gets to be a safe space for them
to release whatever it is that they've been holding on to.
When they get done talking about whatever it is
that they were talking about, then you ask them,
"Okay, how can I support you?"
Don't assume that they want you to fix them,
that they want you to fix their problem.
That's a common mistake.
That's not active listening.
If you're listening and just waiting
to provide your solution to them,
that is not truly supporting them in the way that they need.
Maybe they want advice.
Maybe they want a solution,
but maybe they just want empathy, or kindness.
Ask them when you're done holding space for them,
"How can I support you?"
and let them tell you what it is that they want.
That's what it means to hold space for your partner,
and that is a great tool that's going to help
the relationship have a better chance of going a long ways.
Now, a third important question to ask,
probably the most important question
asked on if your love will last is,
do you and your partner have a powerful,
dynamic polarity between the two of you?
By powerful, dynamic polarity, I mean, are you,
for the most part, in a very empowered,
surrendered inviting feminine space within the relationship?
I talked about this a lot.
We look at relationship as a container.
Within the relational container,
there's a masculine side and a feminine side.
It is your job, for the most part,
to be on that feminine side being an active, inviting,
dynamic, magnetic feminine force,
inviting him to step deeper and deeper and deeper
into his masculine, and be that masculine
driving physical force in the relationship.
I've done a lot of other videos on that,
and I will link to them in the caption.
In addition to your polarity, being powerful,
it also gets to be dynamic.
What I mean by that is that these energies are not set.
They are not static.
They are inherently flexible and fluid.
There are going to be plenty of times
in a long-term relationship where you are going to need
to allow your partner to shift energies with you.
There are going to be times where you,
even though you're the feminine partner,
the majority of the time in the relationship
are going to need to shift into your masculine
for whatever reason.
Maybe because you're the one in control of a project,
or you're pushing forward on something,
whatever it might be.
Maybe it's something in the bedroom.
A lot of times that's a great way
to spice up things in bed is by you,
as the feminine figure in the relationship,
taking a more masculine driving role and calling the shots,
taking control of him a little bit in bed sexually.
By being able to play with these dynamics
and shift the energy, don't be set in your ways.
Be aware and conscious of your unique balance point
of energy and know the sweet spot,
but then being able to shift it and be flexible
with that polarity,
that's going to really help this relationship
have the best chance of lasting over time,
because any relationship that gets stuck,
starts to stagnate.
That can happen energetically, that can happen physically.
When I'm talking about this dynamic energy,
keep that dynamic energy in your activities as well.
Be willing to be a loving, playful interruption,
to the routines that get built up
over time in a relationship.
Be spontaneous and really invite him to step outside
of the habits and routines and practices
that you've gotten into with him.
Does that make sense?
If you're able to answer these three questions positively
that you do manage conflict effectively,
that you are able to hold space
and actively listen to each other in a healthy way,
and that there is a flexible and dynamic polarity
between the two of you.
Then there's a great chance that this love
is going to last because so often what causes love
to go off the rails and what causes people
to grow apart is that they lose that connection.
They lose that intimacy.
They lose that direct link between each other
and they just drift apart.
That happens when conflicts aren't resolved,
and when people stop talking
to each other at a deeper level.
Do these three things powerfully and effectively
or commit to working on them,
and you're going to give your relationship
the best chance to last for a really long time.
I hope you enjoyed this video.
If you did take a second, hit that little subscribe button,
and don't forget to click the link
in the comments and caption.
I've created some great training that I guarantee you
is going to make a huge difference
in your connections with men.
Thanks so much for stopping by,
and I'll see you next time on my YouTube channel.
Bye-bye.