I'm 18 years old.
My first semester in college was going amazing and I thought nothing would go wrong
Before I knew it my finals were approaching and I found myself studying harder and harder for them
I just wanted to do well.
But, in one gruesome night I woke up and I was in a kind of pain that I would never forget.
An indescribable pain
Almost like someone was bashing my face with a baseball bat repeatedly.
It felt like my brain was telling me that something was wrong.
I've always been sick.
When I was 9 I got allergic rhinitis and had pneumonia that went on for months.
I have asthma and walking up a few small stairs causes me to be out of breath.
I would have headaches every night for a year straight and my nose would be running like a broken tap
every day for nine years.
I was used to being sick but nothing prepared me for the next big wave that hit me when I was already drowning.
After three days in pain and not being able to sleep, I saw my clinical doctor.
He examined me and said my throat was white and that I was not drinking enough water.
I thought that wasn't possible because my neck was hurting, not my throat.
Still he prescribed me a thick bill of medication and said it would make me feel better and sent me home.
I didn't feel better. Worse in fact.
The next few days my pain got so bad that my face swelled to a pumpkin, my ears were going deaf,
I couldn't eat, sleep or even speak
I was frustrated because at this point,
I have not been able to sleep for a week and my exams were fast approaching
And I began feeling the pressures of possibly letting my parents down.
I didn't want to fail, but at the same time I felt like dying.
I felt the excruciating pain in my neck, face, and head.
And to try and distract myself from it I washed my face with scalding hot water.
I was frustrated and hated myself for being distracted
instead of focusing on my studies
"No I'm not going down like this", I said to myself.
Not when I can get an A
All I wanted was peace for two hours.
Enough to get at least a few lessons into my mind but I couldn't even have that!
I decided it was enough and took a cab to the nearest clinic.
My doctor treated me as if I was a little girl looking at me like I was beneath him or lying somehow
I was dying but he didn't seem to realize or care and like the room I was in,
His expressions and concern for me were cold.
His fix for me was another dose of painkillers.
"Good luck with your exams", he said.
As I left the clinic with a pinch of peace hoping that the medication would work this time.
I tossed and turned the entire night.
At this point, it was a week and a half since I fully slept.
I managed to wake up and take my first exam then my second the day after
But that third day was when I truly broke down
When my body and mine finally gave up.
I woke up with the most unbelievable, painfully sensitive pain a human being could ever feel.
I was struggling to even drink water
I called home and cried begging for help!
"Hang on my sister", said. "I'm coming to get you."
She came an hour later and rushed me to the same clinical doctor I went to see before.
"I don't see anything wrong and everything looks alright you just need rest", he said.
I couldn't believe it! Alright?
"I'm not alright! I'm suffering in pain, my eyes are sinking, my pupils are dilated, my face is swollen,
and I haven't been able to sleep for two weeks straight!", I told him.
Still, he sent me home as if I was being overly dramatic.
I screamed and cried as I was trying to sleep.
I begged God begged someone to end the pain. To make it stop!
Soon, I became scared to live.
I had never forgotten or skipped any medications even though I had a lot to take
But I was at my last straw.
I popped two sleeping pills into my mouth and drank all the painkillers I had.
"I am finally going to sleep", I said to myself.
One, two, three hours had now passed.
Eventually the entire night and I was still awake.
Why? Why am I awake!
The sleeping pills I took were strong enough to put my mom who had sleeping issues to sleep.
But why was I awake? Why aren't the painkillers working?
I asked my sister to take me back to the doctors. This time he was confused and asked why I looked tired
and how I lost so much weight.
I told him something was wrong but I didn't know what.
"What medicine did you take?", he asked.
Now in a delusional state and laughing I told him the sleeping pills and painkillers he'd prescribed.
He laid me down on the examination table and gave me a very strong shot of painkillers.
"This would put anyone to sleep", he said.
The next thing I remembered was my sister taking me home.
I went to him again that evening. This time the colors in his face drained as he saw me standing in front of him.
He couldn't believe I was still awake after that injection and told me to go to the hospital's ER immediately.
Still in pain with no clue why and completely delusional from the lack of sleep, it took 2 hours until I was seen.
After a quick examination he told me nothing was wrong.
This went back and forth while I stood in the middle of the emergency room as I was crying like a 3 yr old.
Until finally a nurse called me into the room where everyone was waiting for their results.
She jabbed a needle into my left arm
which turned out to be another painkiller shot.
I screamed and begged my father to take the pain away!
Because it was just unbearable at this point!
The doctor came shortly after and told me that I had trigeminal neuralgia
"Google he told me as he walked away"
What? I thought to myself
I googled it on my phone
and saw images that I couldn't understand.
I had no idea what the doctor was talking about and it only confused me more!
They transferred me from the emergency room to an inpatient and with a cocktail of some sort,
injected something into my IV bag.
Finally my body sank into the bed as I drifted to sleep.
I slept for three days until regaining consciousness.
I was released from the hospital after one week.
Some research I learned that trigeminal neuralgia is one of the most painful diseases known to mankind.
And at 18 years old I had it.
It's been three months since that day and I've had three hospital visits and was told by these clinics and
hospitals to not come back because there's nothing they can do for me.
That I will need to live like this.
I Suffer every day trying to contain my screams and cries of pain.
I hide behind a poker face when in public but really I still feel the same pains like it's the first time.
Talking hurts, drinking hurts, and even sleeping hurts.
I've experienced depression after being admitted to the hospital numerous times
Unfortunately painkillers don't work for me.
And my neurologist tries to help me live as comfortably as possible but I know I'm getting worse.
My life is hanging on a thread.
I understand what it feels like to want to give up.
It's not easy. It's hard to live with any kind of pain. I know.
I've been in pain all my life.
To everyone out there who is hurting, I hope you are holding on.
I know it's hard I don't know how much pain you are in,
but I want you to know,
You're strong and that you can get through it.