- Hello lovely people.
If you're here, hi, I'm Jessica, I'm disabled,
and I've grown up being chronically ill.
Although no one realized that until I was a teenager.
Before then they just thought I was annoying,
and accident prone,
probably still both of those things.
But I'm also now deaf, always in pain
and really easily confused.
Subscribe if that's your content.
I'm also married to someone who is perfectly well
and isn't disabled.
And like a lot of other people in inter-abled relationships,
I'm often told, wow, your wife must be such an angel.
And I mean, sure, she's great,
but she's not an angel just because she loves me.
She's actually a monster unless she has a cup of tea
in the morning, but we'll put a pin in that one.
Even a therapist said to me, your life sounds like
it must be very hard on your wife.
She must be very drained, you're so lucky to have her.
You think I'm an innately draining human being?
You think I'm so awful that only the top 1% of nice people,
otherwise known as angels,
will be willing to put up with me?
And the awful thing about me is that I'm disabled?
I think you'll find, I'm actually a catch.
I enjoy baking yummy muffins.
I'm always turned out nicely.
And I can make someone fall asleep really quickly
by stroking their head.
Other skills include,
being able to find the silver lining in anything.
Organizing overly complicated romantic gestures,
and color coordinating like a pro.
Plus, I have great hair.
Whilst it may be true that few able bodied partners
would be willing to date a disabled person,
and I'm saying, may be true,
based on my own dating research,
commonly known as 70 different first dates.
Reminding me of this fact,
doesn't make me think that the person
who is willing to date me, is an angel.
It just makes me think badly of the ones
who said it was too much.
I personally don't think
emotion is about choices in that way.
I don't think we actively choose
who we're going to love.
We just fall into it.
And once we're there,
we do everything for that person
without a second thought.
Because of course you do, they're your world.
Many people might say no
to a hypothetical disabled partner.
I mean, my own wife probably
would have done before meeting me.
But then they happily jump in
when it's a real life situation.
Is my wife an angel?
Yes, I think she is.
But am I also an angel?
Wife?
- Yes.
- Thank you.
- You are. (they both laugh)
- Are we also both incredibly--
- Even though you've made me crouch down
for the entire intro.
Just for that moment.
- It was very dramatic, though, you did well.
Are we also both incredibly annoying to be around sometimes?
Definitely. - Yeah.
- Because we're humans.
Almost half the people say that they feel awkward
talking to someone with a disability.
So, I imagine there's an even greater figure
when it comes to actually asking someone out on a date.
So, I wanted to make a video with my able bodied half,
that would help you feel a little less awkward.
If there's a really cute girl in your class
that you'd like to ask out,
but she has a disability,
so you're not sure how to proceed.
Or maybe said girl sent you this video,
in which case,
you should probably take it as a massive hint.
Hello.
At the same time,
I don't know a lot of inter-abled couples
and I'd love to more about their lives.
So, if you're disabled and dating,
you might take something from this video, as well.
We're going to be answering questions,
suggested by members of The Kellgren-Fozard Club.
My own little inner circle, right here on YouTube.
You can become a member by clicking the join button below
and thus get access to behind the scenes videos,
a downloadable bundle,
a members only section of my Discord board,
and special merch codes with custom emojis,
my little face after your name, I mean,
it's a lot of goodness.
Question number one, from Rose Quill.
If Claudia is sick or hurt or something,
does she ever feel like she can't complain about it
because you are still worse off?
- No.
(Jessica laughing) That's a firmly resounding no.
- No, no, no, no.
- I get told off for moaning too much.
- Oh!
I don't tell you off,
I don't really give in to your moans.
- Sometimes Jessica has to make me more aware,
she's like, you do realize you've been going on
about your headache, for the past three hours?
And I've had a migraine so bad,
I haven't been able to leave this bed
and lift my head off the pillow.
I'm like, oh, yeah.
Oh.
But I'm also like, yeah, but that's--
- Your everyday.
- Yeah, I'm like, but I don't get headaches that often!
- It's different, it's special for me!
Yeah, you definitely complain about injuries
and illness more than I do,
because I guess I'm more used to them?
- Yeah, and I feel like that's valid, therefore.
Because it's not my normal,
then I can moan about it because I'm like,
well, I don't like it!
- Yeah, you definitely get more sympathy.
(she laughs) Than I do!
But that's because we're always doing stuff
and I'm like, oop, my finger dislocated!
And you're like, oh, pop it back in then.
Whereas, you're like, I have a splinter!
And we have to stop the world.
- It's also that our personalities,
because you live with a chronic illness
and disability, you like to just carry on.
You want some kind of-- - What're you gonna do?
- You don't really want too much sympathy.
You'd like a little bit of empathy sometimes,
which sometimes I lack, I'm like, oh,
why are you crying?
But I like to be nursed a bit, like, oh,
look at my finger.
And you're just a bit like, oh, you know.
You like it when I just brush it off.
- I think it's about love languages as well.
So, I really love giving, and I think I would,
no matter what my physical situation is.
I really love looking after someone
and you really love being looked after.
Regardless of the actual physical needs
within our relationship.
So, good question.
Okay, Daisy By Design asks how to not feel like a burden
for being able to do limited housework.
How do you divide up household responsibilities?
- Well.
I do the cooking. - Yeah.
- The washing up. - Uh-huh.
- Both of these are because Jessica can't really
be around hot things because she's got a delayed sense
of when something's hot.
- And sometimes she forgets.
- Apparently she doesn't realize Marigold gloves exist
and therefore she could probably do the washing up.
And I've told her many times,
I could just fill the bowl with a temperature
that's fine to put your hands in
and you could do some washing up,
she's like, (she giggles gently).
- I'm great at stacking a dishwasher.
- You just don't like washing up!
- When we had a dishwasher, I was the dishwasher stacker.
Because it's not an area you're great with.
- You're the dishwasher emptier as well,
you like putting things away.
She packs clothes when we're going away,
I hate packing.
But you're really rubbish at unpacking.
Anyway, the point is, I don't really mind that much
because, as we said in the previous question,
she attends to my other needs like gives me foot rubs
and strokes my head to sleep. - I do.
- And she makes me my cup of tea
first thing in the morning.
- I make your lunch, your packed lunch
so you can go to work. - She makes my packed lunch.
So I feel like we do our even share of it,
it doesn't feel unbalanced.
- Just find different ways that you're able to contribute
to the other person.
It doesn't have to be physical,
it can be emotional or mental.
If you're a sounding board for someone,
you like to talk about something
that's maybe stressed you out,
my listening is an active part of
being a useful household member.
Cindy Floyd says, we've been able to see Claudia
try activities like baking, that Jessica really enjoys.
Are there any hobbies or activities Claudia enjoys
that you try to do together
that Jessica really doesn't like?
- When we go to the Lake District,
or a holiday like that,
I really like putting on my hiking boots
and going for a long walk.
When I say long walk, I'm not a hiker,
I'm not a walker, like some of our friends and family.
I mean I'd like to go for a round trip,
maybe a three, four hour walk with a pub stop in between.
That's my nice kind of hike.
Not rock climbing, that kind of thing.
But Jessica can't do that.
She'll do a half hour walk and that's her.
Maybe even a half hour would be a bit much.
- I refute that in video form.
Click on the link above to see Claudia and I
in the Lake District, walking for more than half an hour.
- When?
- Oh, it was like two years ago.
(they both laugh)
Three years ago.
It was a while ago.
- Is that when we walked around Tarn How?
- Yeah. - Yeah, okay.
- Have I stopped you from doing a hobby
that I don't know about?
- I did a stone carving course.
And rather than doing it with me,
Jessica just signed up to do a painting course.
So we were on this course on this site together
so we had a lunch break and stuff together,
but we were doing different courses,
so that was quite nice.
- You can find a way around any problem.
Christina asks, as someone who is single
and looking to date, at what time
do you bring up mental and physical disabilities?
I'm autistic, though I pass very well,
and have some chronic conditions that are managed,
so they aren't usually visible.
I don't want to freak out a potential partner
but I also want to be honest.
This is such a good question, I get asked this a lot.
At what point do you bring it up?
And even before, if you were making
an online dating profile, do you put on it,
I have a thing, or not?
I don't think I put on my dating profile
things like, I'm deaf,
I'm this, I'm that. - You didn't say anything.
- Not as a conscious choice,
more as a, here are the things
that I think are important that you know about me
as a person, as a personality.
And I want to connect on that level
before we then connect to anything else.
But I always, on first dates, told people.
Because I don't want to waste my time
having five dates with you.
- Well you were wearing, - And then tell you.
- one hearing aid 'cause you usually only wear one.
And the first thing I thought was,
I thought it was a Bluetooth thing.
- So cute. - Because did you have
a laptop out in front of you as well?
- Yeah, when you walked in. - Or your iPad or something?
- 'Cause she was an hour late.
- You were typing on a little keypad
on the iPad with a hearing,
so I just thought you were working
with your Bluetooth hearing thing in.
- And then the date continued,
and she was just waiting for me
to remove the Bluetooth headset.
- Yes, terribly rude.
And then I think you told me,
oh, I have HMPP, and I was like, what's that?
And then you told me and I was like, oh, cool.
- I think it helps that you're a medical person,
so not super phased by things.
- No, but I also wasn't going to probe you
with loads of questions about it, either.
'Cause I remember, when you first met my sister,
she's a doctor, she was really asking you a lot
and you found it like an interrogation.
- Yeah, it was.
And I'm like, I am not a doctor in my condition,
I can't tell you the precise exact gene things.
Chromosome 13, GMPNP 22? - Where did you get diagnosed
and how long have you been ill?
I think she was just being protective over me.
I think she had more of a concern about it than I did.
- Yeah, I think you're right.
Also, she didn't fancy me, so. (she laughs)
You were looking at me with the veil of, ooh,
I fancy you, but you have some side stuff.
She was just like, girl, side stuff!
- I personally think I always had a chat with someone
before I met them.
So then maybe you drop it in in the chat part,
so you know they're interested
but you haven't had to have the face to face contact
and don't feel the whole, (she sighs)
- And, if you have physical disabilities,
going to the date can be so draining.
- The whole effort, the emotional and physical effort
of going to a date, even an able-bodied person.
There's a physical effort 'cause you've gotta get dressed,
you've gotta get there. - The whole thing,
this could be the one!
- You've gotta plan the logistics,
you've gotta think, is is gonna be too noisy where we go?
Should I drink an alcoholic beverage,
will that person be drinking?
I dunno, should we eat?
You're just thinking all this stuff.
- Dating is difficult!
- Yeah, so rather than getting to that point,
I always think it's better to,
as an abled person, even though, I'm saying,
it's always better to just build some rapport first
before you've actually met them.
- I disagree. - Oh.
- Because I think that your spark can win over
things that you might have thought, theoretically,
would be a problem.
So, on paper, I'm not a catch.
But in person, I'm clearly very charming.
You married me, so. (she laughs)
- I don't know what you're talking about, on paper.
Maybe on a medical paper.
But-- (Jessica laughs)
- But I think, written down, everything to do with me,
would you have been like, okay, I can deal with this.
But when it's actually a human being
and you can ask them questions,
I think there's the worry of, if someone's typing to you
and they're like, oh, I have this thing.
And the other person's like, don't know that,
gonna Google it, Google's really scary.
If you Google any condition, you'll get the complete worst.
Oh God.
- It's easy for me to say, oh,
I wouldn't have judged someone
if they'd said on chat before I met them.
Maybe you need to see the extent of that illness
or disability for you to feel,
oh can I adapt to that?
- Yeah, to get it.
And also just to see, is this a person
who's so great and so charming and so nice that I can?
- I mean, the deal breaker for me at the time,
I mean, I don't really drink so much alcohol anymore
but I did a lot then, would've been,
if you had told me before I met you,
that you don't drink alcohol and you're teetotal,
I'd have been like, okay.
- I fooled her!
I fooled her into a date in a pub,
I didn't tell her I didn't drink.
- Which is really bad, it's just our weird British culture
that, especially when you're in your early 20s.
If you're a bit of a social drinker,
you find it weird when someone doesn't drink.
But I think it's more just because you think,
ooh, they're judging me.
- Oh, no!
I genuinely don't care.
Eric H asks, what do you do
when you need more than Claud can physically give?
What happens when Claudia's exhausted?
What do you each individually
and what do you do as a couple in that situation?
- Firstly, I'm not Jessica's full-time carer.
I go to work four days a week, nine to five,
and Jessica has Clara here.
Who is her carer, slash,
YouTube media consultant. - Insert picture of Clara.
- Lots of many jobs that she does.
And then you have, I can't sign.
(she stammers and mutters) I haven't learned how to sign.
And so, obviously, when we go to events,
Jessica has a sign interpreter,
either the one she normally works with, Ruthanne,
or one that's booked for her, so I can't do that.
So I think we're both quite good
at recognizing what I can't do for you
and making sure we've got someone in place
who can do that.
If we're on holiday, and obviously then we're together 24/7,
I think it's a different situation, really
because we're on holiday, so there's not really
so much stress. - You don't have to work.
- So when you take the pressure of
having to be be places on time,
I think that would get quite difficult.
- When we were in Malaysia,
we went to Malaysia for two months,
and we were together 24/7, and you were the person
that had to look after me all the time,
I feel like you had a larger pool to draw from
at that time, because you weren't going to work.
- Yeah, I had more energy. - You weren't,
dealing with other things. - And I also think
I had mentally prepared myself.
That this was gonna be a slower paced trip for me
than what I had done in the past if you hadn't been there.
And I had to just accept that.
Some days we would just not do anything,
like we'd just stay in the apartment
or the hotel room and order room service.
But because I'd accepted that that's what we would be doing,
I just embraced it, ooh, this is nice,
I'm actually relaxing, you know?
Completely went off the topic there.
- No, no, that's fine.
Have a good support network,
and have realistic expectations.
See?
You made a good answer.
Another question is how are we doing right now?
And the answer is, not necessarily great.
- No. - No.
- I don't know what I'm doing with my face,
I'm trying to smile, but it's just turning into
a Wallace and Gromit-- - We have building work
at the moment, which is happening
because we've managed to lock the front of the house
to the back of the house,
so we don't actually have to come into contact
with our builders, so social distancing continues!
- But we're just getting more and more confined in our house
as they take over more of it. - Fewer and fewer rooms
As they intrude.
And they've taken off the back of our house,
and also cut the pipes, so we're freezing cold!
And there's nothing underneath this room right now
except for some steel poles just holding up the floor.
I'm impressed we've not fallen through.
But just to cope with everything that's going on
at the moment, I'm gonna take next week off posting.
So there'll be no vide-- (record scratches)
- [Jessica Voiceover] Ha ha, never mind.
We didn't realize we actually filmed for an hour.
So we've decided to turn this video into a two part series
and part two will be coming to you next Tuesday
at our usual time.
- They will resume the week after.
- We need some time to just Netflix and chill.
- Oh my God, oh!
(they both laugh)
Yeah, that's exactly what's happening.
- I'm an oldie, I have no idea what that means
other than Netflix and chill.
- Okay, I'll see you soon.
- [Claudia] Bye.
(cheerful Latin music)