Self-control is a capacity that develops from
very early in life all the way really through at least early adulthood. In other words, we get more
self-controlled as we get older, in part because the prefrontal cortex is
maturing well into our 20s, in part because we're learning
strategies. We're learning how to plan ahead, how to
make a plan that stretches out into the future as opposed to just what we're gonna do in the next hour.
So as we grow up, as we move through early childhood, through
you know, middle childhood, and then adolescence, and even early adulthood
we're getting better and better at kind of dealing with the conflicts and self-control. The conflict between something that feels good right now and
something that's good for us later.
Now parents of teenagers often wring their hands, and as a parent of two teenagers
I often wring my hands, because it can be frustrating when your kids don't, you know,
don't do what's in their best interest, even when you know at some level they they understand what
the consequences of being on snapchat until 2:00 in the morning are, and then they do it again.
But I think one important feature in particular is to think about adolescence as not only
a period in which self-control is gradually developing, but also the strength of impulses during the teenage years is especially strong.
So you're gradually developing your self-control capability, but your impulse to do things that are
novel, that are maybe a little thrill-seeking a little risky and
certainly fun and social in the moment are perhaps at a life time peak.
Your self-control capability isn't fully mature yet and yet you have these very strong
impulses, and I do think teenagers need
some support then, and I think it's for this reason also that, for example,
programs like graduated driving programs that don't just like give you your license right away, but recognize, you know,
you're an adolescent. This might not be the time to give you complete control of a car.
I think these are other ways that we can accommodate the, you know, basically the biological development of
teenage brains and and their emerging strategies, in concert with their very strong impulses
one thing that teenagers might want to keep in mind when they go out on a Friday night or a Saturday night or
otherwise are in a social situation
is that the presence of your friends the presence of your same age
peers will have an influence on your behavior. So teenagers tend to do much riskier more impulsive
things like speeding or maybe taking drugs,
things that they probably upon reflection would say "Yeah, that's not a great idea."
when they're with friends than when they are alone or when they're just with an adult.
So before you
get into a car with a bunch of friends or go out to a party, just recognize that of course you're doing what teenagers do
you're hanging out with your friends, but
you may not be at your most reflective, wisest self when only with those friends. So make an idea
of your evening clear to you
before you go out. Like, what is this evening gonna be? maybe before you leave the house, when you're not yet with your friends.
What do I intend to do? What time do I intend to come back tonight?
Will I or will I not get into this person's car? Make those decisions
when you're not just with other people who are your age. Parents who have teenagers at home,
I think
recognizing that the
Teenager that they have is going to be maybe a different teenager when the teenager they have is just with their teenage friends,
might just you know keep that caution in mind,
that peer influence is extremely strong when you're in those years, so
you know on the one hand be more understanding, I think, but also maybe take precautions, right.
I mean, don't let teenagers spend days and nights by themselves. One of the most important predictors of
positive life outcomes is actually positive structured time with adults. So even though teenagers
might not tell you that they want to hang out with you,
it is really important that we spend time with our teenagers. One-on-one
quiet conversation, wherever you can get it,
15 minutes of dinnertime conversation, you know. The kids that need us, need us all the time.
Even if they won't tell us they need us.