Hi Rob it's me.
Ok Stew um, *sigh* I wanna explain what I did, with you know the whole um,
Having sex with my director thingy.
I'm putting this video on youtube so that like I because I just want you to
see it.
Yes i did sleep with Ru-
Rupert Sanders the director of my movie Snow White and the Thor
Uh but *Gasp sigh of offense* I have a REALLY good explanation for why uh, we did... "it".
Explanation number one, *Gasp sigh of offense 2* the first day of filming Snow White and the
midgets like, Rupert came up to me and he was like "I'd like to get to know my
actors in order to truly get to know my actors.
I sleep with them, all of them! now this relaxes them and they give better
performances for it.
you want to give a good performance right?" And he said that Martin Scorsese
uh, he did the same thing with Goodfellas which is why the fellows are so good. *Gasp of offense 3* And
a couple days after we did sex I asked Thor if he enjoyed doing sex with Rupert.
and he was all "I've not had sex with Rupert or any man" and I asked
Charlize Therone "Do you do sex with Rupert?" "What? No! Get away from me!"
"Wait wait.. Makeup girl?" "No."
It turns out that no one had sex with Rupert uh just me... and one other person "And he
made me an offer I couldn't refuse!"
I confronted him and said "Hey bud you lied to me and lying is like not the
truth!" and he was eating popcorn at the time and asked if I wanted some. "It will
relax you and make you a better actor" "Better actor? "Yes" And..and then I needed to
calm down so I thought why not.
and he apologized to me while I was putting my hand around, my guess was a
unmelted stick of butter.
"Oh good!" "Is that butter?"
"Yup ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)"
The popcorn didn't relax me but for some reason me grabbing
butter really relaxed him. Anyway, things were going good the rest of that day-
No! wait! then something super scary happened!
I mean he told me that there was a poisonous snake loose on the set and it
bit him on the weiner!
"I need you to suck out the poison quickly" "I'll do it, I'm down here anyway."
"No! It has to be Kristen!" I saved someones life Rob! I got the poison out. there was
a lot of it!
So a couple of weeks goes by and everything is going great. Like every
time I'm around, the cast is always laughing and then the third time you
actually told me to have sex with them!
remember that week when you came to set, and you had like a goatee and you were a
little bit fatter?
"Bella?" "Edward?" the Volturi said that they would come after us
if you didn't sleep with your director." "I already did sleep with him!"
"No you have to sleep with him more I'm gonna send him in be naked when he gets here.
leave your shoes on he likes that" You can't blame me for that one that was on
you buddy.
the next day was crazy I mean I ended up having to do sex with Rupert like a
bunch!
I mean first we had a visit from make-a-wish Foundation kid "My dying wish
is for you to play naked twister with your director.
I'll send him in." Right after we fulfill that normally large kids last wish
I got a skype from a kidnapper! If you ever wanna see your dog Bear alive again,
you'll have sex with your director Rupert Sanders. And
tickle his ball once in a while, he likes that." so i did what I needed to get Bear back.
and when I got home Bear was there waiting.
I saved his life too. You're welcome bear. Then an absolutely tragic thing happened.
I don't know if you know this Robert Rupert is dying!
he has this really rare disease called Boneritous. [Laughter in background] it's serious!
It kills men unless they have sex with Kristen Stewart.
I couldn't let him die I'm Kristen Stewart
I helped him.
I hope you can see Rob there's a perfectly legitimate excuse for every
time I've done.. "it" with Rupert. also your names are very similar so it's confusing too.
I still want to build a life with you, and our vampire baby. Please call me.
Oh no Rupert's Boneritis is blowing up again I have to go.
Please call me. I love you!