FELICIA DAY: We can't release this on the internet.
I'm embarrassed.
[COMPUTER SOUND EFFECTS]
FELICIA DAY: Hey, everybody.
RYON DAY: Welcome to "Co-Optitude."
FELICIA DAY: See, you can do a line.
RYON DAY: Right, good.
FELICIA DAY: This is my brother Ryon--
Felicia.
Guess what we're playing this week?
RYON DAY: What?
I already know.
I'm just--
FELICIA DAY: We are playing Sega--
what is it?
RYON DAY: "Sonic the Hedgehog 2." He does look sort of like
the kid who would end up in juvie.
FELICIA DAY: Exactly.
RYON DAY: It's clearly just a knockoff of "Mario."
FELICIA DAY: No.
RYON DAY: Like Sega had to decide something.
They needed their own Mario-type character.
And so they came up with the hedgehog.
FELICIA DAY: Why wasn't he--
RYON DAY: It's the most obvious
animal to come up with.
FELICIA DAY: I would have thought you'd like, if you're
going to try to copy "Mario," it would be--
RYON DAY: Like a French carpenter, with a beret.
FELICIA DAY: And then you go, oh, you don't want a human.
So I would say a seal.
RYON DAY: A seal?
FELICIA DAY: A French--
RYON DAY: Holding woodworking tools between its flippers.
FELICIA DAY: Yeah, exactly.
RYON DAY: Henry.
FELICIA DAY: No, Henri.
RYON DAY: Henri.
FELICIA DAY: Henri, ze carpenter.
RYON DAY: What would he bang his head into to--
and what would he eat to get bigger?
FELICIA DAY: Well, mealworms.
RYON DAY: Mealworms?
FELICIA DAY: Mealworms would be the thing that--
RYON DAY: The natural diet of all seals.
FELICIA DAY: So that's the game they should have made.
RYON DAY: There's a mutant fox with two tails.
FELICIA DAY: Um-hum.
RYON DAY: We'll see what transpires.
FELICIA DAY: Shark fins, shark-like fins.
RYON DAY: Yeah, it's like no hedgehog that's
ever existed in nature.
FELICIA DAY: No.
RYON DAY: And not just because it's wearing shoes.
FELICIA DAY: We're going to do this.
Hope it's amusing.
If it's not, you're still watching for content.
RYON DAY: If your time's not worth anything, I guess.
All right, let's play this [BLEEP].
FELICIA DAY: All right, here we go.
Sonic--
OK, here we go--
Miles "Tails" Prowler.
So you only have one name.
I got three.
RYON DAY: Miles, the fox?
FELICIA DAY: I'm the Sarah Jessica Parker of video games.
OK, here we go.
Uh, start.
[COMPUTER MUSIC]
RYON DAY: Oh, god, this color palette.
FELICIA DAY: I hate it.
Oh--
RYON DAY: What's happening?
Oh, wait--
FELICIA DAY: Who are you?
RYON DAY: OK, my--
FELICIA DAY: Uh, don't leave me behind, bro.
Can you come back for me?
RYON DAY: I can't--
I'm not moving with my controller.
Am I supposed to be able to control Tails?
FELICIA DAY: No, no, we're not playing yet.
Dude, I don't know how we could [BLEEP]
something up this early, but we did it.
RYON DAY: This is really--
FELICIA DAY: Where do you want to go?
You want to go to the Mystic Cave?
RYON DAY: I want to go to the Casino Night.
FELICIA DAY: I do, too.
RYON DAY: Here we go.
Oh, here we go.
FELICIA DAY: These colors.
OK, oh, god, it's so fast.
This is awful.
RYON DAY: They made it look so fun in the old commercials.
-New Sonic 2 for Sega Genesis and Game Gear.
RYON DAY: I'm not experiencing that at all.
FELICIA DAY: Wait, I have no idea what's
going on right now.
RYON DAY: I'm just experiencing
kind of a mild annoyance.
[CRASHING]
RYON DAY: I've been to Vegas several times.
And none of the casinos has been remotely like this.
FELICIA DAY: Can you shoot things with your mouse?
RYON DAY: I think all you can do is run.
FELICIA DAY: I'm done with this game.
Wait, what is the point of this game?
RYON DAY: Ooo--
FELICIA DAY: No, I don't like it.
RYON DAY: I just [BLEEP]
rings.
FELICIA DAY: OK, guys.
So we're supposed to be pinballs, and
we're collecting rings.
RYON DAY: Oh, whoa, look at this.
FELICIA DAY: So you're supposed to like
press down, go crazy.
What is the physics of an animal doing that?
This is a--
did we pick a [BLEEP]
level or what?
I'm not going fast enough to get in here.
RYON DAY: Oh, god damn it.
There go my rings.
FELICIA DAY: I'm in a [BLEEP]
fever dream.
I can't get out of here.
With all the primary colors, and the malfunction--
RYON DAY: It's too loud.
I want a soothing pause.
Is that too much to ask?
FELICIA DAY: If we could have like a more impressionistic
color palette.
I can't, I can't [BLEEP]--
RYON DAY: Well, come on, Miles.
Come on, Miles.
FELICIA DAY: Mr. Prowler to you.
I literally can't get out of here.
RYON DAY: All right, so if I do this and then I let go--
FELICIA DAY: I can't get out of here.
I'm stuck.
No, seriously, I can't get out of here.
RYON DAY: Oh, rings!
FELICIA DAY: No, I can't get out of here.
Guys, I feel like I'm--
I can't get out of here, dude.
I'm literally stuck in the bottom of a [BLEEP]
well.
RYON DAY: Hmmm--
FELICIA DAY: You sound really sympathetic.
RYON DAY: Hmm-- sorry.
FELICIA DAY: I can't get out of here I feel
like an old, [BLEEP]
senile woman.
RYON DAY: This is sad.
This is really just--
FELICIA DAY: I can't out!
Are you looking at me?
I can't get out of here.
For the last five minutes, I've been down here.
RYON DAY: It's like you've got Alzheimer's and you're lost.
FELICIA DAY: I'm going to cry.
I need to get out of here.
[LAUGHING]
FELICIA DAY: Can you get out of here?
Here.
RYON DAY: All right.
FELICIA DAY: Oh, Jesus.
Uh, uh!
RYON DAY: Look at him.
He's just a furry little ball.
Oh wait-- look, look, look.
You just have to do physics.
FELICIA DAY: I don't-- you know what I hate? "Angry
Birds" more than anything, because the physics is not--
that's not how a bird would travel.
RYON DAY: That's true.
FELICIA DAY: It's true.
Oh, [BLEEP].
Now I'm in the same place I was.
[LAUGHING]
FELICIA DAY: I'm going to [BLEEP]
have a heart attack.
Look, I can't get out of here.
We can't release this on the internet.
I'm embarrassed.
RYON DAY: This is the worst game ever.
FELICIA DAY: OK--
RYON DAY: I think it's supposed to be fun.
FELICIA DAY: Is it supposed to end sometime?
RYON DAY: I'm out.
You're kind of like senior citizening your
way out around here.
FELICIA DAY: I think you picked the [BLEEP]
Casino level, which is the worst [BLEEP]
level known to man.
RYON DAY: Oh, so it's my fault?
FELICIA DAY: Yeah.
Where do you want to go?
You want to go to the Mystic Cave?
RYON DAY: I want to go to the Casino Night.
FELICIA DAY: I do, too.
RYON DAY: You avoided all the points.
FELICIA DAY: I don't want points.
I want exits.
RYON DAY: All right, reset the [BLEEP].
FELICIA DAY: So that was unenjoyable.
I felt like I was having a seizure the whole time.
And then I started panicking.
RYON DAY: My eyes were being assaulted by
bright primary colors.
FELICIA DAY: It's awful!
So we want to play one player.
RYON DAY: Yeah.
FELICIA DAY: And then I can come in.
Oh, OK, this is good.
RYON DAY: Where am I?
FELICIA DAY: Where?
You're up there.
RYON DAY: Oh--
FELICIA DAY: Just keep up.
Keep up with me.
I am the controller of the screen.
Basically, you're [BLEEP].
OK, I want to kill to this [BLEEP].
Get out of here.
How do I kill a [BLEEP]?
Oh, there I go.
Tails, what are you doing?
You're doing nothing.
RYON DAY: Wow, this game is all about Sonic, isn't it?
It's like Tails doesn't even matter.
FELICIA DAY: Tails is like the scrappy dude.
RYON DAY: Where is he?
FELICIA DAY: Where is Tails?
Where is he?
Can you kill anything?
You're just--
are you just there?
You're literally just that useless plus one.
RYON DAY: I can't imagine a less fun game
for the second player.
Like, this is seriously, like infuriatingly--
FELICIA DAY: This is awful.
This is for--
like your mom says, hey, invite cousin Jimmy.
You have to play with him.
RYON DAY: You have to let him play with you.
You know how he gets--
violent.
FELICIA DAY: Jimmy has anger issues.
Just let him play Tails.
RYON DAY: Just let him play Tails.
At worst he'll be annoying.
Tails can't get power-ups?
FELICIA DAY: Tails can't get [BLEEP].
Tails, can't get [BLEEP].
RYON DAY: How impotent is Tails?
FELICIA DAY: If you're out of sight of
Sonic, you don't exist.
[LAUGHING]
FELICIA DAY: This is the most self--
this is the most self-centered game I've ever
played in my life.
Nothing exists outside Sonic's world.
RYON DAY: I'm going to go flap my little tails.
Here I come.
FELICIA DAY: You can't do anything.
It's the worst thing I've ever seen in my life.
RYON DAY: You left me behind again.
[LAUGHING]
RYON DAY: Look, I did something really cool, but
it's not going to show it.
Where did I go?
FELICIA DAY: You disappeared.
You died.
But it's not even worthy of a--
[LAUGHING]
FELICIA DAY: It's not even worthy of a cut scene.
Look at me, I'm just like--
RYON DAY: You're like bored.
God, this [BLEEP]
kid is just busting my balls.
[LAUGHING]
FELICIA DAY: Holy [BLEEP].
There we go again, Tails.
Tails, work it out.
[LAUGHING]
FELICIA DAY: [BLEEP]
Tails, get that energy out.
[BLEEP]
ADD?
You don't need medication.
You see him [BLEEP]
bounce around on the--
RYON DAY: I'm sorry.
[LAUGHING]
FELICIA DAY: Do you remember "Mario Galaxy"?
The first one, where you play the second thing--
RYON DAY: You're just kind of [BLEEP]
off with the one.
FELICIA DAY: This is worse.
Bye, Tails.
RYON DAY: No!
Don't leave me!
FELICIA DAY: I'm leaving you behind, Tails.
Where are you?
Oh, [BLEEP].
RYON DAY: Here it comes.
FELICIA DAY: So basically if I lose you--
RYON DAY: If I can't catch up to you, I never get to play.
[LAUGHING]
FELICIA DAY: You might get to play a little bit.
No, they helicopter him in, helicopter him in.
[LAUGHING]
FELICIA DAY: OK, you know what?
I'm going to let you play Sonic, just to feel
the power of being--
RYON DAY: All right, you want to feel the pain?
FELICIA DAY: It's really an analogy for childhood.
You are powerless.
Basically, Sonic is the parent.
And Tails is the child.
RYON DAY: He's ---
that Sonic didn't really want.
And so he's neglected and not paid attention to?
FELICIA DAY: So what they need to do is a sequel just for
Tails, where it's an FPS, and all he's
doing is hunting Sonic.
[LAUGHING]
FELICIA DAY: Here I come, bitch.
Here I am.
Sonic, got through Act.
Don't mention, Tails.
RYON DAY: There's something wrong Mom!
FELICIA DAY: Don't mention Tails.
[BLEEP]
He has three names.
Because they're like, OK, you'll have self-worth.
You have three names.
[LAUGHING]
FELICIA DAY: It's not about Sonic.
Tails!
RYON DAY: When Tails turns 18, then we can be rid of him.
Until then--
FELICIA DAY: Where the [BLEEP]?
Can you just wait for me?
Can you [BLEEP]
wait for me once?
Just once!
RYON DAY: Never looking back.
Never looking back.
Tails' mom gets 50 rings per month.
FELICIA DAY: God, would you [BLEEP]
wait for me!
Oh, my god, I'm enraged.
Oh, Tails is going to do something with this [BLEEP].
RYON DAY: This is the state come to take Tails away.
FELICIA DAY: Take him, please.
RYON DAY: I don't love him, but you can't take him.
Oh, I lost all my money, just like
dealing with child support.
Oh, look the state's coming to screw me.
Here we go again.
FELICIA DAY: Oh, my god, this is the worst.
Oh!
Can you adopt me?
Can you--
does your screen stay with me?
Sonic got through Act 2.
The secret biography of Tails.
Tails, started meth when he was like four.
I mean look at him, he's on meth right now.
RYON DAY: Two tails, no teeth.
[LAUGHING]
FELICIA DAY: Get back here!
Get back here for me!
RYON DAY: I won't.
I won't.
FELICIA DAY: Get back here!
Mom!
Oh, here I am.
I'm going to [BLEEP]
the helicopter in-- in your dreams.
You think you're rid of me?
I can't even control copter Tails.
hey, can I play with you guys?
Can I play?
Can I play, Sonic?
Can I play?
RYON DAY: No, get away!
FELICIA DAY: Can you feed me?
OK, really this is awful.
I cannot do anything.
Where am I?
Where's Tales?
[LAUGHING]
RYON DAY: Where'd you go, Tails?
FELICIA DAY: What is the point of Tails?
RYON DAY: I get the idea here.
FELICIA DAY: I don't really need to play with you.
So let me look up the history of Tails.
[LAUGHING]
FELICIA DAY: Tails, Miles Tails Prower.
Oh, it's not even Prowler--
not even a real word.
It's Prower.
RYON DAY: This game is the big heaping [BLEEP].
FELICIA DAY: Oh, the name Miles Prower is a pun
on miles per hour.
He's an eight-year-old fox with two
tails, hence the nickname.
He's known to be Sonic's sidekick and best friend.
And he's a mechanical genius, not that we're going to show
any skills that he has.
He did have a spin-off.
So basically his agent got in there--
RYON DAY: Get it?
A spin-off?
Did you get it?
FELICIA DAY: I [BLEEP]
hate you right now.
He was meant to hold a deep admiration for
Sonic, like aka stalker.
He loves mint candy and flying mechas.
He has a fear of thunder.
RYON DAY: Wow, that's really, that's too much character
background.
FELICIA DAY: Too much background.
You know what?
All right, can I just at least move along with you?
Every time I go off-screen it's as if everything
disappears for me.
And then I just serve you.
Tails is just--
RYON DAY: It's really philosophical, if
you think about it.
FELICIA DAY: I mean, it is.
It's all about childhood.
It's about childhood un-empowerment right now.
It's like our childhood--
trapped.
[LAUGHING]
FELICIA DAY: I guess if two players cared about each other
and had any consideration for each other, maybe they'd wait
for Tails to be a part of the narrative.
Oh, [BLEEP].
RYON DAY: No!
No!
FELICIA DAY: Well, Tails will survive.
Get out of there.
RYON DAY: Dink!
FELICIA DAY: Powerade's coming for you.
RYON DAY: Grape!
FELICIA DAY: Grape!
Grape flavor.
RYON DAY: So the water didn't actually do anything.
Oh, and this makes the game even slower paced.
That's good.
All right, I'm just going to drown myself.
FELICIA DAY: There is absolutely no--
oh, there you go.
RYON DAY: That's putrid.
I have no words for this game.
FELICIA DAY: So basically, I don't want to
play this any more.
RYON DAY: Infinite thumbs--
FELICIA DAY: Infinite thumbs down--
RYON DAY: Pointing straight down to the bottom.
FELICIA DAY: Tails down.
RYON DAY: Tails down.
Remember how happy Sonic looked to Sonic one probably?
And then he's saddled with this crotch fruit, and--
FELICIA DAY: Crotch fruit.
It's like the ultimately bad sidekick.
I mean, honest to god.
RYON DAY: So, Tails is never encouraged to become a person
unto himself.
He's never given the opportunity to
discover who Tails is.
FELICIA DAY: Basically, reinforcing a child's myopic
vision of their own free will.
RYON DAY: That's right.
FELICIA DAY: You could do a [BLEEP]
Sundance indie film about Tails.
And it's like--
RYON DAY: Forced to shadow Sonic and
bend to Sonic's will.
And Sonic's opinion is the only thing that matters.
Indeed, without Sonic's presence, Tails cannot exist.
FELICIA DAY: It's true.
In fact, he gets reset.
Anything that's going on in Tail's world--
RYON DAY: It's a solopsistic vision of Sonic as the center
of the universe.
FELICIA DAY: Exactly.
It's true.
RYON DAY: That's was a [BLEEP]
game.
-Buy the Sega Genesis that comes with Sonic 1 and get
Sonic 2 free.
FELICIA DAY: Well, thanks a lot for accompanying us on
this horrible journey.
I'm sorry to children in the '90s.
All right, so thumbs up this video if you love Sonic 2.
RYON DAY: Share it.
Share this video.
FELICIA DAY: No wait.
I can't-- thumbs up if you hate this game.
RYON DAY: Arouse childhood trauma in others by sharing
this video and liking it.
FELICIA DAY: Do you guys have stories of your trauma--
RYON DAY: Share your childhood traumas in YouTube comments.
FELICIA DAY: In you're not an alpha child, you know what I'm
talking about.
Tails is for you.
All right, we'll see you later.
Bye.
Oh, subscribe.