[upbeat music]
- That's all you prepped?
- Yeah, I just searched my heart
and then wrote down how I was feeling.
- I'm gonna eat you alive, you dumb son of a bitch.
- Cool. And then we'll have kids together?
- Yeah. It's gonna be great.
Okay, the topic today
is whether or not we should have children.
I will be taking the affirmative.
You will be taking the negative.
Each round will be individually scored
by our judge, Captain Holt.
- Do you need to hear my credentials?
Debate moderator license D as in delta, 8-1-0--
- I believe you. - Y as in Yankee, 4-1.
J as in Juliet, J as in Juliet, 6.
- Great. - I have a variety of timers.
Do you prefer a buzz or a ding? - Don't care.
- Ding. - Okay.
Peralta, you can present the first argument
from your, uh...
[scoffs] Scribbled list of feelings.
- I'll have you know
that I have some data-driven arguments as well.
According to a study I read, people with kids
were less likely to report that they were happy in their lives
than people without kids.
Now, call me crazy, but being happy tends to make me feel,
uh, pretty happy.
- Where did you read this study?
- Well, it wasn't something I read
so much as told about.
- And who told you about it?
- Hitchcock. - Hitchcock?
- Yeah. - That seems like
a pretty intellectual thing for him to mention.
What was the context?
- He had invested in a NuvaRing competitor called Vag-a-Plug
and was practicing his sales pitch on me.
- This is your first argument? Your opening statement?
[bell dings] - Point to Amy.
- All right, fine. Forget the study.
I just don't want to lose what we already have.
- Ask anyone with children and they'll tell you
children bring meaning and love into your life.
Yes, there may be some moments that you lose,
but there will also be new moments.
Take the water park.
I would never go with you, but you know who would?
Your kid. - Point to Amy.
- That's not your call to make, Peralta.
[bell dings] Point to Amy.
- Okay, fine. New subject: work.
We both work way too much.
Why bother having kids
if you never get to spend time with them?
I mean, I love my job, and I know you love yours,
and I don't think it's fair for either of us
to have to sacrifice that.
- Do you know why I want to become lieutenant so badly?
- To prove your worth to your hyper judgmental parents.
- Yes, obviously that.
But also, the higher your rank,
the more control over your hours.
Plenty of people have jobs and kids, Jake,
and they find a way.
- This has become more about your employment status.
As your supervisor, I feel I have a conflict of interest
and should abstain from judging.
- Okay, so do we both get a point?
- No. Kevin has been on the phone all this time.
He's also a licensed debate moderator.
- License number J as in Juliet, 2-5-9...
- This means nothing to me. - H as in hotel.
Z as in Zulu. - Oh, thank God he stopped.
- 3-6-9.
Point to Amy. - Okay, fine.
You want to know why I really don't want to have children?
I had a crappy dad.
I know what happens when you mess up as a parent.
It's not great.
And this may come as a shock to you, but...
I kind of have some dad issues with certain people.
- Holt. - Me.
- Raymond. - Yeah, but not just him.
It's every male authority figure from my entire life.
- Hey, Jake, can you move "Legends of the Fall"
from new releases into drama?
- You got it, Dad.
Craig was only six weeks older than me.
- Since this has become about me,
I'm gonna have to abstain from this round as well,
but Kevin is still standing by.
- Actually, I feel as though your personal relationship
with Peralta affects me too.
Luckily, I had Gail standing by as well.
- [gasps] Oh, my God, you guys know Gail?
- Who's Gail?
- Vice president of the Debaters Club.
- This is a very big deal.
- Do you need to hear my credentials?
License number U as in uniform, 7--
- No! No more credentials, please.
I don't want to have a structured debate.
It's an idiotic way to decide something.
- What? - How dare you?
- Is he insane?
- Raymond, Kevin, I'll be reporting this.
- Okay, look.
Amy, I'm scared, okay?
I'm scared that we're gonna have a child
and I won't be able to handle it,
I'm scared that I'm not gonna be a good father,
and I'm scared that I'll make a mistake I can't take back.
- Jake, I get it. I'm scared too.
- Every other big decision I've made in my life
I was sure about:
becoming a cop, asking you to marry me,
buying those Jordan 1s for $500.
- Wait, you spent $500 on sneakers?
- Yeah, they were so cool, and if I had never worn them,
they would have kept their value.
- So they lost their value? - Yes, all of it.
I stepped in a puddle as soon as I left the store.
But this isn't about the Jordans.
This is about the fact
that I don't want to bring a human being into this world
unless I'm 100% sure that I'm ready to take care of it.
Okay?
- Too emotional. Point to Amy.
- Okay, Gail is clearly biased.
I think we need a new moderator.
- Bob Templeman here.
- What? How many people are on this phone call?