-(laughter) -But let's get straight into it.
If this morning you finally woke up from a coma,
well, you might want to go back.
NEWSMAN:
Donald Trump will be
the next president of the United States.
(laughter)
You know what, no matter how many times
I hear that...
it still doesn't seem real.
-WOMAN: Yeah. -It still doesn't feel real.
I mean, look at... This is the newspaper today.
-Look at that. Look at that. -(jeering)
It looks... it... He can't hear you.
It's a newspaper. It doesn't matter.
Like, it looks like a joke from April Fools, you know?
And even then, people would be like,
"That's not a funny joke, man."
This-this entire result is... it's sort of like Trump's hair--
I know it's real, but my mind can't accept it.
-(laughter) -It just...
You know? Because it looks like he's wearing his hair backward.
Like, everything... everything is backward.
I mean, I don't understand half of this.
Hillary Clinton lost by getting
No, seriously. She lost by getting more votes.
Trump got 200,000 fewer votes,
but he won the presidency
because he had 279 electoral votes.
Because that's how it works in America.
You don't need the
you just need the electoral college.
So once again, Donald Trump benefits
from a bull (bleep) college.
-(laughter) -And... and by the way...
and by the way, I'm not saying it's bull (bleep)
because I'm sour or anything.
I'm just quoting the president--
sorry, the president
Yeah. There you have it. Donald Trump calling it corrupt.
And we did it, we just went through his tweets.
And I'm sorry, Donald, that's what happens
when you get a new job-- people dig through your tweets.
NOAH: I genuinely cannot believe this has happened.
Even the Trumps can't believe that this happened.
This was them last night watching the results.
Look at those faces!
Look at his face!
Look at that man.
That is the face of a man whose bluff has been called
and he's only holding a two.
And now that face will be the face
that represents America to the world.
That is the face that will address the nation
after a tragedy.
That is the face that will command
the most powerful military in the world.
Washington, Lincoln,
Roosevelt, Kennedy,
Reagan, Obama...
and now... Trump.
(laughter, jeering)
One of these things is not like the other.
(laughter)
And if you're thinking it's Obama because he's black,
you probably voted for Trump.
Donald Trump, however, did give a victory speech last night,
and, like most terrible things in your life,
it happened at 3:00 a.m. on the streets of New York.
I've just received a call
from Secretary Clinton.
And I congratulated her and her family
on a very, very hard-fought campaign.
Hillary has worked...
very long and very hard
over a long period of time,
and we owe her a major debt of gratitude for her service
to our country.
-(cheering, whistling, applause) -I mean that very sincerely.
Aw. Say what you want about Trump--
his reading has really improved.
(laughter)
Yeah, a lot more presidential.
And I'm gonna be honest right now.
I was genuinely surprised by the tone of this entire speech.
Trump was gracious, he was humble,
he was compassionate.
I'll tell you now, if
he also would have lost to Donald Trump.
With how vitriolic this election has been,
and with how much trash Trump has talked,
I was genuinely expecting his speech to sound more like this.
(in Cartman's voice):
Nah nah nah nah nah nah.
How would you like to suck my balls?
That's what I was waiting for.
That is what I was waiting for.
But I-I was, I was honestly surprised.
Donald Trump came out and he was really great.
And I think what we need to do now,
is try and look on the bright side, you know.
Since Trump won the election,
no one can deny that he has been
a phenomenal president-elect, right?
It's been a great 19 hours.
In fact, I say we use this opportunity
to start over with Trump.
We should try.
Let's wipe the slate clean and start with zero days
that President Trump has gone without an incident.
And now one day without an incident.
Huh? Huh? One day.
-Yay. -(cheering and applause)
One day, people.
Now it's only 1,459 days to go.
But look, um, even though so much of yesterday
felt like bad news,
it wasn't a total buzz kill.
TV REPORTER:
Massachusetts approved measures to legalize recreational pot.
Four states did pass laws
that let adults smoke marijuana for fun.
Oh, my God, people are smoking marijuana for fun.
For fun, as opposed to people who smoke it for work.
Oh, for fun.
You know, real quick, can I just say right now,
America is the most gangsta country in the world.
Do you know how weird it is to me
that while you're voting for president,
there's also a question on the ballot about weed?
This is like someone's in there, like,
"Yes, I'm voting for Donald Trump, and also,
"yeah, I'd like some weed, mm-hmm, I would like some weed.
Yes, I do, yes, I do."
I will say, though, it's a great way
to get young people to the polls.
They should do that all the time.
Add a party question to every vote.
Yes. "How do you feel about Brexit,
and also, shots?"
And if there's one guy in America
who could use a hit right now,
it's soon to be former president, Barack Obama.
Because you know what they say,
when they go low, we get high.
I had a chance to talk
to President-Elect Trump last night,
about 3:30 in the morning, I think it was,
to congratulate him on winning the election.
And I had a chance to invite him
to come to the White House tomorrow,
to talk about making sure that there is a successful transition
between our presidencies.
That's when I knew it was real.
That is the moment when I was like oh, this is real.
I also think that'll be the first time
Donald Trump knows it's real.