What do humans, elephants and chickens all have in common?
Sex. And... And eyes.
So, to tell us all about sex TOYS and where to put them,
it's historian Donald Greenacres!
Hello. Oh... RATTLING THEN BUBBLING
So, Donald, speaking as a historian,
what's the oldest thing anyone's ever put up themselves?
The oldest item believed to be for that purpose is 28,000 years old.
So...dinosaur times?
No. The Tudors?
Closer to caveman times.
SPOKEN IN GRUNTS:
MOUSE SQUEAKS
Ooh!
SCRAPING
FLAME BURSTS
SHE GASPS
Ooh!
Whoa, yes! Yes! Yes!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ah! Ah! Ah!
HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL
So, hang on...
Dildos have existed for longer than shoes?
Yes. Longer than a lot of things. Cheese...
Ugh!
Why would you mention cheese in a hot tub,
like...some sort of Scandinavian perv?
Um...
Female sex toys have existed for thousands of years.
In fact there are unconfirmed accounts of Cleopatra making
the first vibrator by filling a gourd full of angry bees.
Gross.
Who wouldn't be angry if an ancient queen tried to put
you and all your mates up her, like, ladyflute?
To get a similar effect,
ancient Greeks put the tail of a live snake inside themselves.
I will never take Ann Summers for granted again.
HOT TUB RATTLES What is wrong with this thing?
Donald, did the Nazis invent sex dolls?
Well...
THUNDER RUMBLES
GERMAN ACCENT: Welcome, Reichsfuhrer Himmler.
Come. Come quickly.
I have invented the ultimate weapon.
A device that will tip the scales of war,
and bring the Allies crawling on their knees for mercy.
Mein Reichsfuhrer, I give you... Project Borghild.
AIR SQUEAKS
Um...
What the hell is that?
Project Borghild. I thought I was pretty clear.
Yeah, sure.
But, um...
Does it explode or something?
No, no, you have sex with it.
OK...
And THEN does it explode?
Uh, no.
It stops our soldiers getting sexually transmitted diseases.
Instead of sleeping with prostitutes, they sleep with...
Borghild, OK, I see.
You don't like it, do you?
No, no, it's great and everything, I'm...
just not sure our Stormtroopers
are going to want to carry her around with them.
They may get laughed at, you know.
"Hey, look, there go the Nazis - and their inflatable girlfriends!"
Oh.
Ja.
But YOU want a go on her? Oh, ja, I totally want a go on her.
INFLATION AND SQUEAK
So that's a yes, then? No.
Blow-up dolls existed long before the Second World War. And um...
RATTLING Oh! Just ignore it.
..this tale of blow-up sex dolls
is actually believed to have been a hoax, to make the Nazis look bad.
To make the Nazis look...bad(?)
OK, I see the problem.
Yeah.
SCREWDRIVER TIGHTENS
There you go.
Thank you, Mr Repairman.
Sorry - what are we doing?
Mr Repairman, your questions on sex toys... Eh? ..start now.
What IS this? No, the answer is A.
Sewn cloth or old rags.
Is this how you two get your kicks or something?
No, they were made of bread.
I want to go home.
No. It was a penis-shaped plant.
I don't like it!
Sit down, silly, we're almost done.
And for your final question...
In the time remaining, how many of the sex toys on Donald's tray...?
RATTLING Oh!
WATER BUBBLES
Ha! Looks a bit like we're in a bowl of butt plug soup, doesn't it?