WELCOME! WELCOME TO, "THE LATE SHOW," I'M
STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERING )
WE'RE ALMOST TWO WEEKS INTO RUSSIA'S INVASION OF UKRAINE,
AND THE DEEPER YOU DIG INTO WHAT RUSSIA IS DOING OVER THERE, THE
WORSE IT GETS. IT'S LIKE A NESTING DOLL OF BAD.
SO FAR, MORE THAN 1.5 MILLION UKRAINIAN REFUGEES HAVE FLED THE
COUNTRY. IT WOULD BE MORE, BUT RUSSIA
REFUSES TO ABIDE BY THEIR OWN ANNOUNCED CEASE-FIRES AND SAFE
CORRIDORS TO ALLOW CIVILIANS TO ESCAPE.
REPEATEDLY OVER THE WEEKEND, RUSSIAN TROOPS CONTINUED TO
PUMMEL CITIES WITH ROCKETS EVEN AFTER THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF
CORRIDORS. IT'S LIKE PUTIN'S COMPETING IN
THE EVIL OLYMPICS AGAINST HIMSELF.
AND 'CUZ HE'S RUSSIAN, YOU KNOW HE'S JUICING.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, PUTIN SAYS HE'S OFFERING
HUMANITARIAN CORRIDORS, FOR REAL THIS TIME, BUT ONLY FOR
UKRAINIANS TO FLEE, TO RUSSIA. WELL, THAT'S NOT HELPFUL.
IT'S LIKE HAVING A SAFETY SIGN THAT SAYS:
"IN CASE OF FIRE JUMP INTO A PIT OF SNAKES."
TURNS OUT THAT UKRAINIAN RESISTANCE HAS BEEN FIERCER THAN
PUTIN EVER DREAMED. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ABSOLUTELY. SO, INSTEAD OF TRYING TO ACHIEVE
A MILITARY VICTORY, THE RUSSIANS ARE ATTACKING CIVILIAN
INFRASTRUCTURE IN AN ATTEMPT TO MAKE UKRAINIANS SURVIVE WITHOUT
ELECTRICITY, WATER, FOOD, MEDICAL HELP, AND MEANS OF
SUBSISTENCE. IN WHAT MANY ARE CALLING AN
EFFORT TO BREAK UKRAINIAN MORALE.
BREAK THEIR MORALE? HASN'T PUTIN SEEN HOW TOUGH
THESE UKRAINIANS ARE? THIS WEEKEND, A MAN AND A WOMAN
WHO ARE SERVING TOGETHER IN THE RESISTANCE TOOK A BREAK FROM
FIGHTING TO GET MARRIED ON THE FRONT LINES.
IT'S LIKE A WEDDING IN TEXAS, BUT WITH SLIGHTLY FEWER GUNS.
( LAUGHTER ) ALTHOUGH, I MUST SAY,
HUGE FAUX PAS. EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE NOT
SUPPOSED TO WEAR THE SAME COLOR CAMO AS THE BRIDE.
WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS SHE?
( LAUGHTER ) TELL YOU WHAT, I WILL NEVER
COMPLAIN ABOUT A DESTINATION WEDDING AGAIN.
RUSSIA HAS BEEN HIT WITH A SERIES OF CRIPPLING SANCTIONS,
AND IT LOOKS LIKE THERE'S MORE TO COME.
BECAUSE THE U.S. AND ITS EUROPEAN ALLIES ARE NOW
DISCUSSING BANNING IMPORTS OF RUSSIAN OIL.
TAKE THAT, PUTIN. WE'RE NOT GONNA BUY OUR GAS FROM
A WAR CRIMINAL. WE'RE GOING TO BUY IT FROM THE
GOOD GUYS: SAUDI ARABIA. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT IT'S GONNA COST. SINCE THE INVASION, OIL PRICES
HAVE SKYROCKETED. TODAY, THE AVERAGE GAS PRICE IN
AMERICA HIT AN ALL-TIME RECORD HIGH OF OVER FOUR DOLLARS PER
GALLON. OKAY, THAT STINGS, BUT A CLEAN
CONSCIENCE IS WORTH A BUCK OR TWO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S IMPORTANT.
IT'S IMPORTANT. I'M WILLING TO PAY $4 A GALLON.
HELL, I'LL PAY $15 A GALLON. 'CUZ I DRIVE A TESLA.
( LAUGHTER ) RIGHT NOW, PEOPLE ALL OVER THE
WORLD ARE TRYING TO FIND INVENTIVE
WAYS TO HELP ORDINARY UKRAINIANS.
FOR INSTANCE, ETSY BUYERS ARE URGING PEOPLE TO HELP UKRAINIANS
BY BUYING DIGITAL ITEMS, SUCH AS FONTS, PATTERNS, DOWNLOADABLE
PHOTOGRAPHS AND ARTWORK. SO, YOU CAN NOW ORDER A LOVELY
MOTIVATIONAL NEEDLEPOINT PATTERN THAT READS LIVE, LAUGH
RUSSIAN WARSHIP GO ( BLEEP ) YOURSELF.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GETS YOU RIGHT THERE.
GETS YOU RIGHT THERE. IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR MORE
CONVENTIONAL WAYS TO DONATE TO THE PEOPLE IN UKRAINE, HEAD OVER
TO @COLBERTLATESHOW ON TWITTER. WE'VE PINNED A LIST OF
ORGANIZATIONS WHO ARE HELPING REFUGEES ON THE GROUND.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DESPITE INCREASING GLOBAL
PRESSURE, PUTIN ISN'T BACKING DOWN.
THIS WEEKEND, HE LASHED OUT, DECLARING, THE SANCTIONS IMPOSED
BY WESTERN NATIONS ARE AKIN TO A DECLARATION OF WAR.
(AS PUTIN) PUTIN GAVE THESE COMMENTS WHILE
PUTIN GAVE COMMENTS WHILE SPEAKING TO A
GROUP OF AEROFLOT FLIGHT ATTENDANTS, WHO, BY THE LOOKS OF
IT, WERE THRILLED. TO.
BE THERE. NEVER A GOOD SIGN WHEN THE
FLIGHT ATTENDANTS GIVE YOU THE SAME FACE THEY GIVE THE GUY
CLIPPING HIS TOENAILS IN ECONOMY PLUS.
OF COURSE, RUSSIAN FLIGHT ATTENDANTS KNOW ALL ABOUT NO-FLY
ZONES. THANKS TO SANCTIONS AGAINST
RUSSIAN AIRLINES, AEROFLOT NOW ONLY FLIES TO ONE FOREIGN
AIRPORT: MINSK, THE CAPITAL OF BELARUS.
SO RUSSIAN TRAVEL AGENTS HAVE HAD TO CUT BACK TO A SINGLE
POSTER: (RUSSIAN ACCENT)
"VISIT BELARUS: SKY IS COLOR OF DELICIOUS CIGARETTE."
( APPLAUSE ) SO BELARUS IS HERE TONIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) IT SEEMS LIKE THE ONLY WAY THIS
HUMANITARIAN CRISIS CAN END IS IF PUTIN IS REMOVED FROM OFFICE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHEN IS HE OUT?
'24? HE'S UP FOR RE-ELECTION IN 2024,
BUT HE STILL HASN'T DECIDED HOW MUCH HE'S GOING TO WIN BY.
AND HE'S DOING EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO MAKE SURE THE
RUSSIAN PEOPLE DON'T TURN ON HIM.
FOR INSTANCE, ONE REPORTER IN RUSSIA SAYS, POLICE IN MOSCOW
APPEAR TO BE STOPPING CIVILIANS AND DEMANDING TO SEE THEIR
PHONES IN ORDER TO SCREEN THEIR PHOTOS AND TEXTS.
(AS RUSSIAN) "IT SAYS HERE, 'U UP.' IS SHORT
FOR 'UKRAINE UPRISING.' SEIZE HIM!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
IT WAS A FLIP PHONE, IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING.
IT'S A FLIP PHONE. ( PIANO RIFF )
THANK YOU, JON. >> Jon: THAT WAS GREAT.
>> Stephen: THE REPORTER SAW POLICE OFFICERS
DEMANDING PHONES FROM PEOPLE NEAR DETSKIY MIR, A POPULAR
RUSSIAN TOY STORE. I FEEL SO BAD FOR THOSE PEOPLE.
THEY JUST WANTED TO GO IN AND BUY RUSSIA'S HOTTEST TOY:
MR. ACTUAL POTATO. ( LAUGHTER )
IS POTATO. ( LAUGHTER )
THIS CRACKDOWN COMES IN THE WAKE OF A NEW LAW THAT WOULD PUNISH
ANYONE WHO SHARES FALSE INFORMATION ABOUT THE WAR IN
UKRAINE WITH UP TO 15 YEARS IN PRISON.
OF COURSE, IN THIS CASE, FALSE IS DEFINED AS ANYTHING OTHER
THAN WHAT PUTIN WANTS YOU TO SAY.
FOR INSTANCE, IT IS NOW A CRIME TO SIMPLY CALL THE WAR A WAR.
INSTEAD, THEY WANT YOU TO USE THE KREMLIN'S TERM:
SPECIAL MILITARY OPERATION. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO CALL IT
THAT, THE KREMLIN HAS A FEW OTHER APPROVED OPTIONS:
SPECIAL BANG BANG TIME, AWFUL FAMILIAR RIREUNION.
"NATIONAL LAMPOON'S EASTERN EUROPEAN VACATION," AND
AND BENNIFER. ( APPLAUSE )
EVIDENTLY, THE SPECIAL MILITARY OPERATION AGAINST INFORMATION IS
WOKING BETTER THAN THE REAL ONE.
SOME UKRAINIANS FIND THAT THEIR RELATIVES IN RUSSIA REFUSE TO
BELIEVE IT'S A WAR. THE RUSSIAN PEOPLE ARE SO USED
TO ACCEPTING THE KREMLIN'S LIES THAT THEIR MOST POPULAR
MARGARINE IS: "YOU MUST BELIEVE IT IS BUTTER."
( LAUGHTER ) I'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. ED FROM UKRAINE VIA SITE,
ANDERSON COOPER WILL BE HERE, PLUS BROADWAY STAR OF "THE MUSIC
MAN," SUTTON FOSTER. STICK AROUND.