-Michael, what are you doing for spring break?
-Oh, well, I might go to Puerto Rico --
-Oh, I'm bringing democracy to Syria.
Via Instagram. Oh, look.
It's Corinna. Corinna!
♪♪
-It was reported today that Boko Haram has
joined forces with the terrorist group ISIS.
Here with her thoughts on the subject is the
Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With at a Party.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hello, Michael.
Thank me for having you back.
-Thank -- Alright. Sure. Whatever.
So, what do you think about this Boko Haram situation?
-What do I think about it?
I think it's inexcusative, okay?
It's a Kardastrophe.
It's unremaginable.
Just look at the sadistics, Michael.
-[ Chuckles ] -For every 10 people,
there are 20 people.
And what?
We're just supposed to give them all the death penalty?
No. Like, America needs to grow up.
But also, like, it needs to look, like, 15 years younger.
I just friended you. Accept me.
-I'm sorry. Is this still about Boko Haram?
-Open your eyes, Michael!
Measles, ebola, charter schools!
Sometimes I'm like, "Salami Hussein was right."
And then healthcare -- everyone's talking about HMOs.
Um, how about just calling them gay people?
-Okay, I don't think anyone is following what the hell
you're saying right now. -Michael!
How would you feel if I went into your neighborhood
and burned your house down?
-I'd feel bad?
-Exactly.
And that's exactly how they feel.
-Who? -Fires!
And it's like --
If you took all the homeless women in the world
and stacked them on top of each other...
Jenga, Michael.
Jenga.
So, can I draw a cartoon of Muhammad real quick?
-No! -Alright, fine.
But I need to give you this thing
my friend Rodney printed out.
It's, like, these MapQuest directions,
but, like, nobody knows where it leads.
-It says it on here. It's directions to a Forever 21.
-By the way, Michael, what are you doing for spring break?
-Oh, well, I might go to Puerto Rico --
-Oh, I'm bringing democracy to Syria.
Via Instagram.
Oh, look. It's Corinna. Corinna!
Are you dancing? Oh, she's having a tiny seizure.
-[ Laughs ] Okay.
I think you just need to go.
-Yeah, actually, I do need to go, Michael.
'Cause some of us are actually solving progress.
'Cause if we don't, in 800 years,
our children won't even be alive.
So can I draw a cartoon Muhammad real quick?
-No! -Alright, fine.
Close your eyes.
Open them.
Close them.
Open just the left.
Wink at me.
Congratulations.
That's assault.
-The Girl you Wish You Hadn't Started
a Conversation With At a Party, everyone.
The San Francisco Police Department
is reviewing thousands of cases
to see if the arrests were racially biased.
Here to comment on this delicate subject are
Two Girls You Wish You Hadn't
Started a Conversation With at a Party.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Namaste, Michael.
This is McKenzie. She's my best friend.
-And fingers crossed, her stepmom.
[ Laughter ]
-And what do you guys think of this police review?
-What do we think about it?
It's irrashable.
-It's reprehendable.
-We're Nepaled. And what?
We're gonna put body cameras on cops now?
Oh, like we don't watch enough TV already.
-And it's, like, Bruce Jenner's allowed
to be a transformer,
but our climate's not allowed to change?
That's hippopotamus.
-Michael, fact -- one in five homeless people
are actually millionaires, and they don't even know it.
-So if you C-section, say something.
[ Cellphone vibrating ]
-Oh, your phone is buzzing.
-Oh.
Oh, yeah, it's Tiger Woods.
-Okay!
Can we please focus here?
-Oh, fine. Oh, Amber!
-Both: Amber! -Amber, over here!
-Who are you talking to? -Our other friend, Amber.
-Yeah, we couldn't find her earlier,
so we put out an Amber Alert.
-[ Chuckles ] Okay. That is not what that's for.
-Quick, Michael --
who are you voting for in the 2016 election?
-Well, it's pretty early, but --
-I'm voting for the Sudan.
Oh, but I'm sure Hillary Clinton is starving kids, too.
[ Laughter ]
-Okay, look.
-Shh! Shh! Wait.
We want to show you a new game, Michael.
-Okay.
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
-Who won?
-Well, rock beats scissors, so...
-Wrong.
Justice...
-Ties with peace.
-So the only loser here...
-Is the children.
-And the future.
-And you, Michael.
-Oh, wait!
Tiger's downstairs, girl. We got to go.
-All right. Two girls at a party, everyone!
-Amber! -Amber!
-Amber, don't die! [ Cheers and applause ]
-The primaries have been especially divisive this year.
Here with her take is the
Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With at a Party.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hi, Michael.
Just so you know, if it were up to me,
every year would be Black History Month.
[ Laughter ] -Thanks?
So, what do you think about the primaries so far?
-What do I think about them?
They disgust me.
The candidates are truly "appallsive."
And now Ben Carson's just pulling out,
and we're supposed to believe
that's the most effective form of birth control?
No! It's, like, no wonder everyone has the Zima virus.
And it's like maybe Leo Caprio's right --
bears.
[ Laughter ]
-Okay, so I take it you're disappointed
with the candidates?
-People need to start
paying "intention," Michael.
When the alarm goes off,
stop hitting the "skooze" button.
'Cause there are women in Africa right now
who have to walk 3 miles
just to see "Zootopia."
And news flash, Michael.
You haven't even asked me if I'm transgendered yet.
-Are you transgendered?
-How dare you ask me that?
-What are you doing?
-I just Snapchatted you,
but your face is a tiger, and I'm normal.
[ Laughter ] -Cool.
So are you voting Democrat --
-Why do we have to "labia" everything, Michael?
Like, why can't there be a black James Bond
or a white Jackie Chan,
or we rape Bill Cosby, 'cause guess what?
If you're not part of the Sudoku,
you're part of the answer.
And it's multiple choice, and you're none of the above.
And P.S., why do we even need superdelegates?
Why can't we just talk to Superman directly?
And I'm asking you, Michael, because, #blackguysmatter.
So, real quick, I'mma sing you Olive Hamliton.
♪ How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore, and a Scotsman ♪
-Stop! Please stop. Please.
-Fine, but you could have learned something
about "himstory."
Yasmine! Yasmine! -Was that your friend?
-No, she's my Uber driver.
I think she's circling the studio.
How many minutes away does that say?
-That's Tetris.
-Okay, fine. You know what?
I want to give you something.
It's this knife I found at O.J. Simpson's house.
Wait, who do you think would play you in a movie?
-I don't know.
Maybe Denzel Washington.
-I would choose a homeless woman
so she could work.
But I'm sure Denzel would be appreciative, too.
Wait, real quick.
Wrap your hands around my neck like you're gonna choke me.
-No! -Alright, fine.
Then just slap me really hard.
It's about Wall Street.
-Just tell us who you're voting for!
-Alright, fine. Here. Hold this.
Oh, look!
This man stole my purse, and he's white!
What?!
Boom.
That's progress.
You're welcome.
And I need that back 'cause there's some Adderall in there.
-Girl at a party, everybody.
-Vaccines are a scam. [ Cheers and applause ]
-With the election only two weeks away,
both candidates are trying to get a final message
out there to their supporters.
Here with her final thoughts on this election is the
Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With at a Party.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Wow.
Hello, Michael Che.
Thanks for finally letting a woman on late-night TV.
-So, I assume you're not happy with the election?
-Here's a thought, Michael.
Maybe try being woke for a change, okay?
'Cause "Kevin Can Wait,"
but Syrian referees can't, okay?
And news flash, Michael.
40% of children are just their legs.
And that's according to doctors, Michael Che.
-Yeah, okay, can you just please tell us
about the candidates?
-Please do not man-terrupt me
when I'm wo-making a point, Michael.
This lection is a misgrace, okay?
This is a colostomy, Michael Che.
And I'm sorry --
if I can play devil's abacus for just a second,
I think we all know the real reason
Jillian Assange is in jail,
and that's 'cause she's a woman.
Do you even know what women have to do when we go vote, Michael?
We have to show our IUD.
I'm sorry.
That's out-righteous.
That's called a bubble standard.
You know what I have to say to that?
-What?
-Baa!
Baa!
-What are you doing?
-That's an impression of you.
-[ Chuckling ] Okay. -'Cause you're a sheep-ole.
-Jesus.
-Quick, who are you going for as Halloween?
-I don't really dress up for Halloween --
-I'm going as Justice.
David Justice.
-The baseball player?
-Wow! So, all black guys are just athletes to you.
-No, he played baseball.
-No, Michael, you just played yourself.
-Oh, my God.
-Sis! Sis!
-What, is your sister here?
-No, I'm calling out cisgender people out there.
I'm serious, Michael.
I need to go to Cuba so bad before white people ruin it.
-Alright. You haven't said anything about the election.
Can you just at least tell me who you're voting for?
-How dare you.
That's called voter insemination,
what you're doing.
I'm sorry.
My friends' blogs were right about you.
-Alright. [ Chuckles ]
-You know what? Fine. You know what?
Maybe I should just tell a joke instead, right?
Since that's what this whole election is anyway!
-Fine. Tell us a joke.
-Knock, knock.
-Who's there? -Interrupting polar bear.
-Interrupting polar bear -- -It's too late!
-[ Chuckles ]
Global warning already killed him.
Now he's stinked.
-He's stinked? -Yeah, that's right.
He's stinked.
So, why don't you just call me Samsung Galassy?
♪ 'Cause I just blew your mind up ♪
-Girl at a party, everyone!
-Free El Cheapo! -It's "El Chapo"!
♪♪