As I sit at my desk, I can feel him looking at me,
his eyes gazing at me,
dreaming of what could be…
I look up to make eye contact,
but as fast as I look up, he looks down,
and his face reddens with embarrassment,
knowing I had just caught him staring…
That was Alex.
He’d been a classmate and friend of mine for 2 years,
but just recently,
I was sure he had a crush on me.
The longer it continued, if I’m honest,
I began to like the attention,
this wasn’t like other guys,
he wasn’t forward and pushy,
and he hadn’t used a single cheesy chat up line on me.
You see,
I knew Alex hadn’t been in a relationship before,
and I could see how hard it was for him to approach me.
Then, one day,
I look up from the bench in the canteen
and Alex was standing above me,
he looked terrified
and was silent as he searched for his words…
Then, he says it…
"Would you like to go to the movies with me?"
I couldn’t keep him waiting,
so I quickly replied…
"Yes, of course!"
There was a look of relief on his face
that soon turned into a joyous grin.
Later that night,
we met in the foyer of the cinema.
Alex’s first words weren’t “Hello”, or “Nice to see you”
they were, “I’m really nervous.”
I was fine with this as I understood,
and we continued our evening.
As the weeks passed,
our relationship progressed,
I guided Alex through different milestones like,
his first date,
his first hand-holding,
his first kiss.
And, every day I was reassuring him,
telling him not to worry.
I really felt as if I had been there for him,
we were becoming very close
and I knew his worries were just because he loved me!
Then, it started to happen...
As the days became weeks,
Alex became more and more affectionate
and wanted more physical contact.
I would refuse and explain that
I just wasn’t ready.
I was happy how we were together
and I didn’t want to ruin it…
I quickly started feeling like I was underwater,
smothered by affection.
I would ask myself,
“Am I in the wrong?
Should I just say yes?”
As the weeks became months,
I could feel myself changing,
the more pressure Alex put on me,
the more anxious I became,
and not just in my relationship,
in my whole life.
I was different around my friends,
my family,
and couldn’t focus on my studies anymore.
Just 3 months ago,
I was happy,
holding my boyfriend's hand,
and guiding him through his first relationship.
Now,
that boy has gone,
and it feels like he’s forgotten everything we went through together.
I would lay in bed,
my mind racing like I was trapped inside a bad dream,
but I was awake,
wide awake!
I would spend every moment of the day and night,
thinking about our relationship.
This was a feeling I hadn't experienced before,
I felt I had no one to turn too.
The more I kept it inside me,
the more my anxiety would build,
and the more anxious I got,
the harder things became.
I started feeling sick,
unable to eat, sleep,
or concentrate on anything.
This is the only time in my life I had felt alone!
We had been together around 4 months,
and I just couldn’t take it anymore,
Alex’s pressure had turned to anger,
leaving me exhausted and broken.
I sat, crying on my bed…
How could this happen?
It feels like our roles have been reversed,
and I’m now the anxious one and he’s full of confidence,
the only difference being…
He isn’t there for me like I was for him...
I had to make it stop
and to do this,
I knew I had to end our relationship.
I was terrified, as I approached him,
I thought back to the day he asked me to the cinema
and the nerves he must have felt,
but this wasn’t the same as that,
these weren’t just butterflies and nerves,
this was fear!
The noises around me seemed to blur into a deafening hum,
almost like I was under water
and my heart was pounding out of my chest.
Then, I said it…
“Alex,
this isn’t working,
we need to break up!”
The look in his eyes,
was one I had not seen for a long time,
but one I remembered well,
it was how he used to look at me,
anxious, worried,
he was now back in a situation he hadn’t been in before.
His worried look soon turned to anger as he began to shout,
I couldn’t take this again,
so I turned and ran!
I just had to be alone,
away from everything and everyone,
apart from my own thoughts.
I sat and reflected on everything that had just happened over the last 4 months,
of the anxiety-inducing relationship roller coaster we'd both been on,
why couldn’t he understand
and respect my feelings like I had his?
How had the boy I was beginning to fall in love with
turn into someone I ended up feeling like I just didn’t know at all?
2 years have passed since this happened,
and I still know Alex,
in fact, we’re back to being good friends again
and we can actually laugh about what we went through,
both knowing we learnt some valuable lessons.
Alex learnt that he has to respect other people’s feelings like they respect his,
and I learnt,
that it is okay to say no when you are not comfortable doing things.
We have both now moved on
and are in new, happy, understanding relationships.