-Tonight, I want to talk about something
that everyone does but nobody talks about.
I know what you're thinking.
No, not using the FaceApp to see what you look like
as a guy and then be like, "Oh, he hot!
He hot."
Don't act like you haven't done it.
Whose made themselves a guy and been like, "I'm hot"?
Yeah, everyone. But I'm not talking about that.
I'm talking about watching porn.
Yep, that's right.
About 40 million Americans regularly watch porn.
And the other 300 millions Americans
were too busy watching porn to respond to the survey.
Porn is a huge industry.
It's a business, which think about it.
That means, right now, there's a C.E.O. somewhere
meeting with their content team just like, "Okay.
According to market research, munching booty is trending.
So that means we need like
15 new "Backdoor Buffet" videos this month.
And let's try to cast some diversity this time, okay?
Brown people go trunk diving, too.
Get on it. Get on it."
And now that porn is so big,
the websites are actually really well-designed.
They're basically YouTube with boobs.
They even have an area for comments
where everyone types with one hand.
"Mommy, why?"
By the way, think about it.
I love that porn has a comments section.
It proves that even under a video of
a man and a woman having sex,
Internet morons will still write, "Gay!
Gay!"
The websites also have so many categories.
Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about, okay?
I see some people over here like, "I never have been."
You know what I'm talking about.
Websites have so many categories, it's overwhelming.
It's like a Cheesecake Factory menu,
but I don't think they're talking about
the same kind of cream pies.
Well, I think -- Here's my take.
I think as long as porn is consensual,
then it's whatever floats your boat.
You know?
Or it's whatever gongs your dong.
Or whatever wakes your snake. Okay, I'm done.
I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done.
Whatever jams your clam. Okay, that was the last one.
That was the last one. I'm done. I'm done.
[ Laughs ]
Now, when it comes to sex, I'm gonna be real, I'm a beginner.
Level one. Level one.
So when it comes to porn, I'm looking for the videos
that are like guy is super-gentle
and says "I love you" 500 times to his girlfriend.
I still haven't been able to find that category
on Pornhub, though.
And don't even get me started on lesbian porn, okay?
All the lesbian stuff is clearly made for men.
The women are screaming,
going over the top with everything.
It's not made for women.
They never even have one conversation
about Kristen Stewart's hair.
That's not real. That's not real.
Come on.
That's the problem with porn -- most of it is way too fake.
I want it to feel real.
Like, I'd love it if, halfway through,
the couple just realized they weren't feeling it
and Postmated some Chinese food.
I'm like, "That's real. I want that.
That's what I want."
And for so many young people, their first time seeing
any depiction of nudity is hardcore pornography.
Now, call me old-fashioned, but I just think
the first time you see someone naked onscreen,
it should be while your parents fast-forward
through that part in "Titanic" where Jack draws Rose
like one of his French girls.
You know what I'm saying? That's how I learned.
That's how I saw it.
Strategically, I always had to go
to the washroom during that part.
Porn is a bad way to learn about hooking up.
And I bet it's been it's causing a lot of
awkward interactions between stepmoms and stepsons.
Just saying. Just saying.
If your expectations of sex come from porn,
let me just tell y'all,
every guy doesn't have a huge dong.
Where's the lie?
Not every woman is gonna be screaming
in pleasure when you do it, okay?
And you know how porn videos are like 30 minutes long?
Yeah, subtract 29 minutes and 30 seconds, okay?
Let's be real. Let's be real.
But in real life, people are like, "Oh, baby, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah."
You done?"
That's real-life sex. That's real-life sex.
But the most unrealistic thing in porn is the performances.
At first, everything is sweet and sensual,
and then someone rips open someone else's shirt
and they get it on.
That's not how sex works. This is how sex works.
First, you spend 15 minutes in the washroom like,
"Lilly, you can do this."
Then you have to turn off the lights immediately
so you can fumble around in the dark
and play a game I like to call, "Is that it?"
Wait, no. Is that it? No. That hurts, that hurts."
That's definitely not it.
Wait, okay, that's -- that's --
Never mind, never mind, never mind!
It's a lot of fun.
And I understand that a lot of porn stars
have complicated relationships with their families,
and I can totally relate.
I remember when I told my parents
I was starting a YouTube channel, and they said,
"Are you sure you don't want to just do porn instead?"