That say that no news is good news, but it turns out that weird news is even better news.
Sure, if you pick up the newspaper or watch the nightly news, it seems to be an endless
litany of terrible things.
But it turns out there's also a bunch of strange, wacky, and downright odd things going on too.
Here's a look at the weirdest news stories of 2017.
It has a reputation for being one of the most
relaxing sports around - or boring, depending on your point of view - but a fishing trip
nearly turned deadly for a 28-year-old man in England.
After catching a 6-inch fish, the man posed for a photo where he pretended to kiss it,
which is when the fish got frisky.
"It shot out of my hand, into my mouth, and basically swam straight down my throat."
Paramedics arrived just two minutes later, but the man had already stopped breathing
and gone into cardiac arrest.
Amazingly, they were able to get the fish out and revive the victim, who later made
a full recovery.
Craziest of all?
In 2016, another man actually perished when a fish jumped down his throat as well.
Yikes.
It was apparently an epic year for fishing,
because down in Florida, an unnamed man got the surprise of his life when he reeled in
a cursing drunk woman.
Identified as 22-year-old Alexandria Turner, the woman apparently swam up to the man's
lure and began shouting obscenities at him before biting his line and swimming off with
it.
Attempts to reel Turner in failed, and police arrived to coax her, still swearing and shouting,
up onto the pier, where she was hauled off to face charges of disorderly intoxication
and resisting arrest.
Good thing he didn't try to kiss her!
U.S. authorities spent years building a case
against Gal Vallerius, who allegedly lived a secret double life as "OxyMonster," an administrator
for a Dark Web narcotics emporium.
But since he lived in France, they couldn't arrest him unless he set foot on American
soil - which he foolishly did in an attempt to win the World Beard and Moustache Championships.
While the other competitors were shocked, they still had to give credit where credit
was due, with one saying "I don't know anything about what other stuff
he did, but as far as his beard goes, it's really awesome."
Travelers to the U.S. must typically fill
out what's called an ESTA form, which asks such seemingly ridiculous questions as
"Do you seek to engage in or have you ever engaged in terrorist activities, espionage,
sabotage, or genocide?"
Nobody would ever actually say yes to that.
Right?
Well, someone did - and that someone was a three month old baby.
Sixty-three-year-old Englishman Paul Kenyon was traveling with his 3-month-old grandson
Harvey when he accidentally checked the wrong box on Harvey's form.
Authorities hauled the baby in for questioning, leading to what had to be one of the most
amazing interrogations of all time.
Kenyon told The Guardian that the American officials "didn't appear to have a sense of
humor over it at all," adding, "if you were a terrorist, I suspect you'd not be ticking
yes on the ESTA form anyway."
We never did trust those babies.
In the German town of Neustadt, a group of
thieves somehow completely emptied a refrigerated truck full of Nutella, making off with almost
20 tons of the chocolate hazelnut spread.
According to CBS Chicago, authorities strongly suspect the theft of a trailer in a neighboring
town may be related to the deliciously sweet heist, while Neustadt police gravely warned
the public about accepting "...large quantities of chocolate via unconventional channels."
We know who our top suspect is.
Tennis players often grunt loudly while serving.
But during a match at the Sarasota Open between Frances Tiafoe and Mitchell Krueger, fans
and players alike were surprised to hear the loudest grunting coming from somewhere off
court.
While commentators originally thought the noises were coming from someone in the crowd
watching prn on their phones, it turned out a couple in an apartment all the way on the
other side of a nearby lake were engaged in their own loud baseline rally, which apparently
ended in a score of love-love.
If... you know what we mean.
"It's still going.
What is going on?"
"It can't be that good!"
[Laughter]
"An Orange County man is suing Heineken, because
he says he found a little something extra in his beer."
George Toubbeh had kicked back with a few brews he'd purchased from a local Ralph's
Supermarket when he began to notice a "foul taste," presumably different from the foul
taste that comes with simply drinking a typical Heineken.
Toubbeh pressed on, drinking enough of the strange brew to make him start puking — and
that's when his daughter took a closer look at the can he'd been drinking from and found
a couple of dead lizards inside.
In August, 2017, he filed a lawsuit claiming "emotional distress and anxiety," but at least
it was just geckos and not something… worse.
"Bud-weis-er.
Bud-weis-er."
The 1984 film Footloose is mostly remembered
for Kevin Bacon's incredible dance skills, which he puts on display in a Midwestern town
where it's so uptight, it's against the law to dance there.
That's something so crazy only Hollywood could imagine it, right?
Wrong!
Welcome to Henryetta, Oklahoma, which according to ABC News, has an honest-to-Pete morality
ordinance which forbids dancing within 500 feet of a church.
When a store owner planned a Valentine's Day dance, though, things went sideways.
Even though the local sheriff had no intention of enforcing the ridiculous law, the dance
was cancelled anyway due to an unusual source of pressure.
"The owner cancelled the dance, mostly because her husband is the city attorney."
"And he said, you know, that his oath was to uphold the law."
There's one bright side, though: now the entire town is just one degree from Kevin Bacon.
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