Mark: Three ways to cross language and cultural
barriers in a relationship. This is not a topic I've ever covered before, because frankly,
I don't have the experience and I wanted to bring in someone amazing who did. This is
Alex Cormont. Great to have you here, Sir. Now, you probably know Alex, if you don't,
he is literally the number one followed dating relationship coach in France. He has almost
a million subscribers and followers between the social media as you've coached more than
30,000 people over 12 years. Crazy! And you've only learned English yourself in the past,
what? Two years?
Alex: Yeah, exactly.
Mark: Uh, and your girlfriend, fiance doesn't speak
French at all. So no one better to talk about this. Alex is going to share three tips of
how to cross this language barrier. The first is really about culture. Isn't it? It's all about culture.
Alex: Yeah. it's really important to understand
that it's difficult to change someone. And you know, I remember when I first came in
the US, and I have to learn English and I met my fiance. And one day I was really mad
at her, so I want to create an argument. You know, I was like ready to create this argument
because she did something that touched me. And when she just came into the apartment,
I want to, I was mad, I want to yell at her. But the problem was I was not able to talk,
express, express my feeling. My English was not that good. So what happened here? I understood
that everything is about culture because what was really important for me was not for her.
So the first question I want you to ask yourself is, "What is really important for you?" That
is not for him or for her, because then you will understand that there is a culture between
you two guys. So if you want to cross the barriers, you need to understand what is really
important for him or for her. When you have the answer to this question, you will make
sure that your relationship will be stronger.
Mark: Yeah. And so what, it's really about personal values, isn't it? That, that come in with your culture?
Alex: Yeah, exactly. So personal values is something
that we don't talk. When you go to the traditional education. When you go to high school, we
don't ask you, "What are you values?" So what is important for you? So just quick exercise,
take a paper and a pen. And every night before you sleep, just write what was really important
for you in your day. Maybe it was people to compliment you. Work is really important for
you. Respect is really important for you, and you can start to visualize what is really
important for you. For example, French people, when we have a communication, we keep it low.
So we don't want to have argument. We don't want to use a lot of voice that we be too
hard on someone. We are really picky with that, which is not really the case in the
US because people express more emotions. So that's something that I've learned with
my girlfriend, and that's something really important.
Mark: Fantastic! And so what's where do you go after
that? Once you understand the culture, what's the next step? I'm sure there's a lot of,
okay. I understand it, but how do we reconcile this?
Alex: Yeah. You know, I have heard that mixed couple
or mixed relationship are difficult to maintain and you ask on YouTube, what do you want us
to talk to your community? People said, yes, cross barriers...
Mark: Cross barriers, cross cultures, cross language.
Alex: How to understand it and how to manage it.
So first you need to understand something. For me, it's just amazing. The way I have
grown by learning from my fiance. It was just amazing!
Mark: So different.
Alex: Yeah. It's just different. And It's really
important because we are experiencing new things. So if you want to cross barriers,
if you want to learn from your partner, even if it's a different culture, it's just about
first, what did you learn from each other? Which is what experience did you have? What
did you learn in communication, in love? And why are you so happy with that person? That's
important to focus on the positive. And the second question is "What can you bring to
the table?" That's something we forget when you're in a relationship, you're giving a
lot to that person. What is it? If you can understand your value, then your relationship
will be different because you will make sure that it will be stronger. It's not just love.
It's something where we share in common, which is really important.
Mark: And there's so many differences isn't there
that it forces you to really grow, to have a successful relationship, cross culture.
There's, there's even more differences between the two of you, so if you're going to do it
right, you've got to take on the gratitude for what can I learn?
Alex: Yeah and you would give attention to the real
important thing. Like I said, in the example, when I was really mad at my girlfriend, and
just realized that it was not that bad. So I can just tone down my emotions and wait
for tomorrow to express what was really important for me but in a different way. So when there
is the cross barrier, language, or when you are just too different with your partner,
you will learn how to not let your emotions take the lead and be more rational. So communicate better.
Mark: Control your impulses as well and force you
to be rational. Yeah, I like it. What's the third step?
Alex: So it's about communication as I said. You
know, communication is really the key. And to my experience, as a relationship expert,
I found a book that's amazing. It's the Five Love Languages from Gary Chapman because I
was thinking always love and communication is about words, but the problem is no one
can express everything with the words. Sometimes we need to touch someone, or we always like
to give gifts and so.
Mark: Even tones and things. Like the way you talk, different things and acts.
Alex: Exactly. That was really important for me
to understand that. So if you want to make sure that you're crossing the barrier, language
and all the difference, it's to understand how your partner is expressing love and how
do you express love. So for example, people can share some words, so that they would like
to receive words, but some other people like me, I'm a giving person and we give some gifts
or if my girlfriend needs me, I will always be there for her. And that's the way I express
my love. When you can understand the difference when we express love, the relationship, even
when we cannot really talk to each other, the relationship is just strong because we
talk differently. Not just with the words. I hope it makes sense.
Mark: I love this. I love this. And so Alex, to
finish out, if you're in a position, if someone watching this is in a position where they're
just, they're at a crossroads, they're just not getting each other. Maybe they're in the
midst of an argument and just having a disagreement, what's something really quick that they can
do to just reset and kind of get around this language barrier or cultural barrier that causes this?
Alex: I will use an image. You know, it's like an iceberg.
When you see the iceberg, you have the face that you're seeing, but there is
something under the water. So when you have an argument, it's just for the consequence,
something that is disturbing you, or make you feel sad or mad, but you need to understand
what is the real source? What was the root of your problem? If you can understand this,
you will work on the solution, and you will be able to just save your relationship even
if you don't speak the same language, something that I really learned with my girlfriend,
we were always mad at few things that were not important. So when we start working on
the root, then we never had any argument and you can do it.
Mark: Right. So is that kind of saying, well, like
what's triggered me here or what standard have I, am I feeling that has gone unmet?
Is it essentially looking at, well, what is this activated within me?
Alex: Yeah, exactly. It's not like emotion. It's
more on the rational part. So for example, it's like, what makes this problem real for
me and for him? So when you understand these two questions I asked you before, you will
make sure that the communication will become better and better. But if you're in the middle
of an argument, the real solution is to wait for tomorrow because your emotion will go
down, you will not have words that you will regret after. And then you will start realizing
why is it difficult for your partner to change? And most of the time, it's because of culture.
It's just hard to change who you are, but if you can just communicate on what you're
waiting for, because when we communicate and there is the mixed and cross barrier, language,
we are not looking for solution. We are just looking for arguments,
Mark: Prove our point. Yeah,
Alex: Exactly! Exactly., so today you have to focus
on solution and then your communication will become better.
Mark: So really looking at what's underneath the
iceberg and maybe taking 24 hours to just reset and examine that with your partner.
Alex: And think about solution like this. This communication
would just be proactive and will help your relationship to grow and to become better and better.
Mark: How's this guy's only been speaking English, how long?
Alex: It's difficult, but I changed myself.
Mark: 18 months? 2 years? Incredible! Alex, thank
you so much for coming on board. Your tips are incredible. I love this topic. It's really,
really important. How can people find more about you?
Alex: So come on my website. I have a French website,
alexandrecormont.com. I have a US website, frenchrelationshipexpert.com. Or just leave
a comment. I will be here.
Mark: Leave a comment?
Alex: Yeah! I will be here to answer this, your question just write below this video, I'm here.
Mark: Make sure you are subscribed to this guy's
channel. It's phenomenal. It's it's really, really good. He is the number one person in
France at this for a very good reason and a really genuine lovely guy. If I say, if
I must say so as well. So Alex, Sir, thank you for coming in. It's been an absolute pleasure.
Leave your thoughts, comments, questions as I say in the space below. Hit the thumbs up
and the big red subscribe button with the little bell, so you don't miss any future
videos, and we'll see you in the next video very soon.
Alex: Bye bye!