THANK YOU, BRET.
♪
>> Jesse: THE PRESIDENT IS
SUPPOSED TO BE A MAN OF THE
PEOPLE.
SO EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE THE
LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD OR A
CANDIDATE FOR THE OFFICE, DROPS
BY A LATE NIGHT TV SHOW JUST TO
REMIND US HEY, I’M A REGULAR
GUY.
THEY SCHMOOZE IT UP WITH A
COMEDIAN, CRACK A FEW JOKES,
ENJOY A GOOD ROAST AND EVEN LET
THEIR HAIR DOWN A LITTLE.
>> CAN I MESS YOUR HAIR UP?
>> GO AHEAD. [LAUGHTER]
[DRUM ROLL]
>> Jesse: FOR YEARS, THE LATE
NIGHT STOPOVER HAS BEEN A
PRESIDENTIAL STAPLE.
REPUBLICAN, DEMOCRAT, DOESN’T
MATTER.
BECAUSE COMEDY IS BIPARTISAN
WHERE IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE: YOU
CAN JIMMY FALLON PLAY A ROUND
WITH TRUMP ON ONE SHOW AND SLOW
JAMMING THE NEWS WITH BARACK
OBAMA ON THE OTHER.
>> THERE WILL BE NO THIRD TERM.
I CAN’T STAY FOREVER.
BESIDES, DADDY HAS GOT A
HAWAIIAN VACATION BOOKED IN
ABOUT 232 DAYS.
BUT WHO IS COUNTING?
>> IF COMEDY ISN’T YOUR THING,
DON’T WORRY.
WE HAVE A COUPLE OF PRESIDENTS
WHO KNOW HOW TO DROP A WICKED
BASELINE. ♪
♪
>> IT WASN’T JUST THE SMOOTH
STYLINGS OF SLICK WILLIE OR
RICHARD NIXON THAT MADE THESE
PRESIDENTIAL CAMEOS PART OF TV
HISTORY.
IT WAS THE FACT THAT THEY MADE
THEMSELVES THE BUTT OF THE JOKE.
>> OH NO, I DON’T THINK WE COULD
GET DICK NIXON TO STAND STILL
FOR A SOCK IT TO ME.
>> SOCK IT TO ME?
>> Jesse: NIXON ISN’T THE ONLY
ONE WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR.
GEORGE BUSH HAD A GOOD LAUGH
WHEN GIVING US THE TOP TEN
THINGS HE WANTED TO DO AS
COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF.
>> FILIBUSTER 7, MAKE SURE THE
WHITE HOUSE LIBRARY HAS LOTS OF
BOOKS WITH BIG PRINT AND
PICTURES.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
NUMBER 6, JUST FOR FUN, ISSUE
EXECUTIVE ORDER COMMANDING MY
BROTHER JEB TO WASH MY CAR.
>> Jesse: PRESIDENTS COME ALIVE
ON LATE NIGHT OR AT LEAST THEY
USED TO.
WHAT WAS ONCE AN EXCITING AND
DYNAMIC EVENT JUST HIT THE
SNOOZE BUTTON LAST NIGHT.
OUR NAPPER AND CHIEF, JOE BIDEN,
SAT DOWN WITH JIMMY KIMMEL
YESTERDAY AND LET’S JUST SAY IT
WAS NOT MUST-SEE TV.
EVEN THOUGH THE SHOW WAS TAPED
AT 3:00 IN THE AFTERNOON, IT
LOOKED LIKE PRESIDENT BIDEN WAS
UP WAY PAST HIS BEDTIME.
JOE WASN’T WITTY OR ARTICULATE
LIKE HIS PREDECESSORS.
HE WAS BORING, BLAND, AND
COULDN’T EVEN GET A SENTENCE
OUT.
>> THERE IS A LOT OF MAJOR
THINGS WE’VE DONE, BUT WHAT WE
HAVEN’T DONE IS WE HAVEN’T BEEN
ABLE TO COMMUNICATE IT IN A WAY
THAT IS, UM, -- LET ME SAY IT
ANOTHER WAY.
>> SEE, THAT’S KIND OF PERFECT.
BEING ABLE TO COMMUNICATE.
>> Jesse: LOOK AT THE IRONY
THERE.
HE CAN’T EVEN COMMUNICATE HOW
THE ADMINISTRATION IS FAILING AT
COMMUNICATING.
AND IF BIDEN REALLY CARED ABOUT
GETTING HIS MESSAGE OUT, MAYBE
HE WOULD TAKE A MORE CHALLENGING
ARENA FOR HIS FIRST SIT DOWN
INTERVIEW IN FOUR MONTHS.
INSTEAD OF TAKING SOFTBALLS FROM
A COMEDIAN.
BUT THAT’S JUST COMMON SENSE.
AND WE KNOW JOE DOESN’T HAVE
ANY.
INSTEAD, HE JUST KEEPS INSISTING
EVERYTHING IS GOING GREAT.
EVEN THOUGH THAT’S A TOTAL LIE.
>> WE HAVE THE FASTEST GROWING
ECONOMY IN THE WORLD, THE WORLD.
THE WORLD.
WE ARE THE STRONGEST ECONOMY AND
THAT’S ALLOWED US AT LEAST TO
STAY ON TOP OF AND A LITTLE BIT
AHEAD OF WHAT IS HAPPENING
AROUND THE WORLD.
>> Jesse: I HATE TO BREAK IT TO
YOU, JOE, THE ECONOMY ISN’T
GROWING.
IT ACTUALLY SHANK LAST QUARTER
AND WE ARE IN A BEAR MARKET.
THAT WASN’T THE ONLY TIME JOE
HAD TROUBLE KEEPING HIS FACTS
STRAIGHT.
BUT HE WAS IN FRIENDLY TERRITORY
SO KIMMEL WASN’T ABOUT TO CALL
OUT HIS LIES.
SO JOE JUST SAID WHATEVER HE
WANTED WITH IMPUNITY.
>> IT’S GOT TO BE ONE OF THOSE
ISSUES WHERE YOU DECIDE YOUR
POSITION ON THE ISSUE AS SENATOR
OR CANDIDATE FOR HOUSE OR
SENATE, ON WHAT WE’RE GOING TO
DO WITH ASSAULT WEAPONS AND
MAYBE THEY WILL HAVE 300 ROUNDS
IN A MAGAZINE.
>> Jesse: 300 ROUNDS IN A
MAGAZINE?
NO SUCH MAGAZINE EXISTS.
EVEN TOMMY GUNS AND THEIR LITTLE
DRUM IMAGINES COULDN’T HOLD A
THIRD OF THAT.
I GUESS HE IS JUST MAKING THINGS
UP.
, WHICH UNFORTUNATELY, WASN’T
THE CASE FOR HIS COMMENTS ON ROE
V. WADE POTENTIALLY BEING
OVERTURNED.
LISTEN.
>> IT’S CLEAR THAT IF, IN FACT,
THE DECISION COMES DOWN THE WAY
IT DOES AND THESE HE STATES
IMPOSE THE LIMITATIONS THEY ARE
TALKING ABOUT, IT’S GOING TO
CAUSE A MINI REVOLUTION.
>> Jesse: IT’S SAD TO SAY BUT,
JOE, YOUR LITTLE MINI REVOLUTION
HAS ALREADY STARTED.
SO MUCH FOR DIALING IT BACK.
PROTESTERS HAVE DESCENDED ON THE
PRIVATE HOMES OF SUPREME COURT
JUSTICES.
AND BRETT KAVANAUGH’S LIFE HAS
ALREADY BEEN THREATENED.
MORE ON THAT LATER.
IT LOOKS LIKE BIDEN’S HARD LINE
LANGUAGE IS HAVING AN IMMEDIATE
EFFECT ON HIS SUPPORTERS.
JUST DON’T ASK HIM TO DO
ANYTHING ABOUT IT OR CONDEMN
THEIR ACTIONS.
BECAUSE HE IS TOO BUSY TARGETING
REPUBLICANS.
>> I ALSO GET ASKED LOOK,
REPUBLICANS DON’T PLAY IT
SQUARE, WHY DO YOU PLAY IT
SQUARE.
>> YEAH.
>> WELL, GUESS WHAT, IF WE DO
THE SAME THING THEY DO OUR
DEMOCRACY WILL LITERALLY BE IN
JEOPARDY.
>> LIKE YOU ARE PLAYING MONOPOLY
WITH SOMEBODY WHO, YOU KNOW,
WON’T PASS GO OR WON’T FOLLOW
ANY OF THE RULES AND HOW DO YOU
EVER MAKE ANY PROGRESS IF THEY
ARE NOT FOLLOWING THE RULES.
>> GOT TO SEND THEM TO JAIL, YOU
KNOW.
THERE IS THAT LITTLE BOX.
>> DIRECTLY TO JAIL?
>> Jesse: IT DIDN’T TAKE LONG
FOR BIDEN’S MESSAGE TO REACH THE
FBI.
THIS MORNING, THE FEDS ARRESTED
RYAN KELLY, THE LEADING
REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE IN THE
MICHIGAN GOVERNOR’S RACE.
KELLY WAS TARGETED BY THE FBI
FOR BEING OUTSIDE THE CAPITOL ON
JANUARY 6TH.
BUT THE TIMING IS SUSPICIOUS
DEMOCRATS ARE GEARING UP FOR
PRIME TIME SPECIAL TONIGHT.
I KNOW BIDEN WAS PROBABLY
JOKING.
CAN YOU IMAGINE IF TRUMP HAD
TALKED ABOUT SENDING HIS
OPPONENTS TO JAIL LIKE THAT?
ALL HELL WOULD HAVE BROKEN
LOOSE.
THE MEDIA WOULD HAVE TURNED IT
INTO A FULL-BLOWN CRISIS.
INSTEAD THE LEFT IS TURNING A
BLIND EYE AS REPUBLICANS GET
THROWN IN PRISON.
WHILE THE FBI SETS UP FAKE
KIDNAPPING STINGS AGAINST
GRETCHEN WHITMER.
SO THAT’S WHY IT WAS NO SURPRISE
THAT BIDEN’S CAMEO LAST NIGHT
WAS A TOTAL FLOP.
HE SAT DOWN WITH A DEMOCRAT
ACTIVIST.
TOOK SOME SOFTBALL QUESTIONS,
AND CALLED IT A VICTORY.
BUT NOT BEFORE GETTING A PAT ON
THE BACK FOR HOW TOUGH OF A JOB
HE HAS IT.
>> WHAT A TERRIBLE JOB YOU HAVE.
[LAUGHTER]
I MEAN, I’M GLAD YOU ARE DOING
IT BUT, BOY OH BOY DOES THIS
SEEM LIKE A BAD GIG.
>> NO.
>> Jesse: THAT WASN’T AN
INTERVIEW.
IT WAS A PITY PARTY.
THERE WERE NO REAL QUESTIONS OR
ACTUAL ANSWERS.
IT WAS JUST TWO DEMOCRATS
SITTING AROUND REFUSING TO
ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR
PARTY’S MASSIVE FAILURES.
MAYBE NEXT TIME JOE SITS DOWN
FOR A ONE-ON-ONE HE WILL DO IT
WITH AN ACTUAL JOURNALIST LIKE
ME.
[LAUGHTER]
OR AT LEAST DO IT ON A LATE