- Why INFJs are bad listeners.
I'm wondering how many comments I will get
of people who didn't even watch the video
who were just like, "no way I'm a great listener".
So what I'm talking about in this video
is going to be what INFJs are like
in conversation what's going on in their mind?
What are they paying attention to?
What is driving them through the conversation
and ultimately why these things end up putting an INFJ
in such a position
where they might not be the best listeners.
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Let's get to the video.
All right, so let's start
with the extroverted feeling,
which INFJs have all the FJ types prefer extroverted feeling
or Fe to make judgments,
to make decisions types who prefer Fe tend
to be very concerned with social harmony
and things like proper etiquette,
'cause they wanna make sure we all get along.
So in one on one conversations an INFJ is gonna feel
the responsibility to make sure
that you walk away
from it feeling all right,
or at least feeling a certain way.
They might, they usually will want you
to feel good.
They want you to feel listened to,
but maybe they don't.
Maybe they want you to feel bad
when you walk away.
But the point is they feel a responsibility for you
to walk away feeling a certain way.
This is also interesting because the Fe allows INFJs
to be good at small talk and chit chat and whatever,
even though a lot
of INFJ say, "oh, I hate small talk".
Here's the thing.
No one really loves small talk, but,
an INFJ can feel,
like that's where I should go.
Small talk, it's all right, I can do it.
It's important to point out
that when we're talking
about the types,
we're talking about cognitive functions,
we're talking about preferences.
We're not talking about skill.
I might trip up and say,
"oh, INFJs are good at this",
but that's not really what I mean,
INFJs could be terrible at small talk
and making people feel listened to blah, blah, blah.
But the point is
that they feel the responsibility for it.
They feel like that's what they should be doing
for an INFJ,
the subject matter of a conversation may not actually
be the most important thing in the conversation,
but rather the most important thing is the vibe
that is being created.
How does the other person feel?
Maybe how do I feel?
But more importantly,
how does this other person or group of people feel
about what we're talking about?
And in group situations,
the INFJ is gonna be very aware
and paying attention to the dynamics
of the group,
which could manifest itself.
In for instance,
the INFJ figuring out who's the quietest person
and is kinda getting left out,
their opinion isn't being heard.
The INFJ might butt into the conversation to focus
on that person and say, "hey, Jimmy,
"what do you think about this?
"What do you like"?
Because ultimately social harmony that's what matters.
INFJs are especially attuned
to what do people place value on?
Because when we're talking
about extroverted feeling,
feeling is not just emotions,
emotions are only part of it.
What feeling really is, is the value
that people place on things.
Do they think it's good or bad?
Do they like it or not like it?
And of course the emotion plays into that,
but it's not the whole story.
So when an INFJ is in a conversation
about golf shoes,
they wanna see what everyone thinks about it.
what's the best brand?
What do people like about it or not like about it?
Why did I pick golf shoes
I've never set foot in a golf course.
Extroverted feeling is also like,
what are people paying attention to?
What is their attention fixed on?
Because if you think about it,
what people pay attention to
is what they value.
INFJs, furthermore, have their own opinions
as everyone does.
But the primary objective for them is not so much
to get their opinions out there.
And then may be especially reluctant
to say what they think it,
especially if they don't know
what everyone else's reaction might be to it.
They don't wanna upset the balance.
And when an INFJ expresses an opinion,
they might feel the need to couch it in language
in a certain way
to get a desired response.
Usually that response would be positive.
They don't wanna upset anybody.
Maybe they do.
Maybe you have an evil INFJ,
who wants to just make everyone upset.
But the INFJ is gonna feel like I need to phrase this
in a way to get a reaction.
I need to get an emotional response
because the Fe types,
the basically all the J types who have high Fe
or Te they want responses from people.
They say stuff in a way,
whether it's a direct question or otherwise
to get reactions.
And when you have extroverted feeling,
you want a feeling reaction,
you want an emotional reaction.
You want someone to say,
"oh, I like that.
"oh, I don't like that".
They need that feedback.
So that was all talking
about the extroverted feeling for an INFJ.
And just to remind you,
I talked about how they will
wanna make sure people feel listened to
that they feel good, that they walk away
from the conversation feeling good,
but maybe they didn't actually listen
to the other person.
They may be able to fake
that they listened to them
and say stuff,
all the right stuff like, "oh yeah,
"I hear you, oh that, wow, I relate to you.
"I'm feeling what you're putting down"
and maybe not actually listen much at all.
Next, we're gonna talk about introverted intuition,
which is the more major preference that an INFJ has
because it's the INFJ dominant function,
introverted intuition, or Ni,
in a nutshell to boil it down
is looking at the abstract world.
It's a perceiving function.
And I mean,
it's trying to boil everything down
in a nutshell,
introverted intuition is sort of like just trying
to take all of the physical concrete world
and be able to make sense of it.
And like as pithy of a way as possible,
part of this is also recognizing patterns,
seeing stuff happening in the real world and saying,
"oh, this is part of a pattern I've seen.
"This was part of a concept I have seen over
"and over again,
"so that I can now project out and see where
"this might go in the future".
But because INFJs have introverted intuition,
it can make them struggle
to articulate what they think like the way
they see the world,
their view on stuff.
And that makes them ultimately maybe lag behind a bit
in conversations as they struggle to put things into words.
And it also leaves them maybe to be more observers
than trying to be the heavy hitters in a conversation.
And Ni plus Fe
that's a combo for being really interested
in social interaction,
as well as just like what makes people tick.
And so, because of that,
I think INFJs are just much more
interested in sitting back and observing,
let's contrast this with ENFJ's
who also have Ni, Fe at the top,
but it's the other way around where the Fe
is the dominant function,
INFJs and ENFJs are both looking at the people.
What makes them tick?
What are the patterns of the social interactions?
But for an ENFJ because feeling is first for them,
the people are the point.
Like, that's the ultimate thing.
What are the people feeling?
But for the INFJs,
the people are secondary.
What matters is the patterns?
What matters is the abstract meanings of what's going on?
The, not so much like the people.
INFJs are always looking in a conversation at what is going
on beneath the surface.
I mean, of course they also will listen
to the actual words being said
and what the meetings are literally,
but there is also a lot going
on under the surface,
which INFJs are attuned to.
So let's give an example.
Let's give a concrete example,
which is my nightmare as an INFJ,
but I'm gonna try, okay,
let's say we have a group of people
and there's a conversation about what
are the best restaurants in town.
So the obvious thing to pay attention
to which most people would,
and even many INFJs,
this is what they'll be looking at
is what does everyone say their favorite are?
What are the restaurants in town?
What do I think?
What did they think?
Blah, blah, blah.
But there was a lot more going
on under the surface,
which everyone is aware to certain degrees,
but INFJs feel a certain,
tendency, preference to look at those things first.
For instance, what are people's body language?
Who here seems nervous
when they share their opinion
and who seems confident?
Are people interrupting other people?
And then how do they react
when they've been interrupted?
Are people cracking jokes?
When people are laughing,
who's looking at another person.
Does that mean they like them?
Do these two people,
not like each other,
'cause they don't seem
to acknowledge each other's existence.
Oh, when this person said they liked this restaurant,
these other two people kinda shot them down.
So there's a lot going on beyond the conversation itself.
And certainly the INFJ is paying attention to a degree
to the conversation.
But as you see,
not the greatest listener,
'cause they're looking,
they're preoccupied with other things.
Now I say preoccupied,
but it might not be ultimately what you
in the moment are aware of.
Like, as I said,
at the beginning of the video,
I'm kind of exaggerating this
for the purposes of illustrating,
the processes but it's entirely possible
that while you're listening
to the conversation,
you're just aware of all these other things going
on without even realizing it.
Now look, every human being is going to be aware
of everything going on in that conversation
to a certain degrees.
Sure, some people, you meet those people
where it's like, all this stuff goes over their head.
They don't know what's going on
in group dynamics,
but I'm just tryna say,
it's not like a super power for INFJ
is it just means they have the preference
to be tuned to those things first and foremost.
And then everything else is secondary
because to an INFJ,
what is happening in the moment
is not really objectively what is happening in the moment.
Sure an INFJ will tell you,
"oh, we're having a conversation about restaurants",
but really to an INFJ what's happening are all
these things under the surface and an INFJ
is tryna take what's happening in the moment
and fit it into this understanding they already have
about human interactions,
these patterns that they've already got in place
in their minds about,
how these conversations play out,
what people are like,
maybe these specific people,
what they're like.
So for an INFJ we have known concepts
and as few as possible,
'cause we don't want a lot of them.
If we could,
we would just have one.
We just have one way of,
conceptualizing things and we're dropping every,
sensory experience we have into that,
trying to force it into that pattern
and maybe retool the pattern a little bit if we have to,
but we're just gonna try
to force it through that way
of seeing things anyway,
which is perhaps another reason why INFJ is maybe
aren't the best listeners
because new information gets slotted
into the old filing system of introverted intuition.
The existing way I keep saying,
"oh, which I think maybe has a negative connotation"
into the existing framework.
INFJs aren't looking for new patterns.
They don't want new patterns.
They have existing patterns in their mind and life has
to fit into those.
So ultimately this is why INFJs
aren't the greatest listeners of the MBTI types
because they're not literally listening to the words that
are coming out of your mouth.
I mean, maybe they hear them,
but to them,
what they're really listening to are the meanings
and intuitive types have this thing
where they skip ahead.
They're tryna always guess what's gonna happen next.
They're not always right,
but rather than just being in the moment
in the present moment,
seeing what's actually happening listening,
they're always tryna be a few steps ahead
and be like, "oh, I see where the pattern leads.
"I know what's going on here".
There you have it INFJs are bad listeners,
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til next time stay cool and attractive.