OF COURSE, IT'S ONLY 15 MONTHS UNTIL THE NEXT ELECTION.
WHO WILL BE THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE TO BE ACCUSED OF MURDER
BY DONALD TRUMP?
( LAUGHTER ) LET'S GET AFTER IT IN TONIGHT'S
"DOIN' IT DONKEY STYLE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DOUBLE DONKS!
ONCE EVERY FOUR YEARS, CANDIDATES DESCEND ON THE IOWA
STATE FAIR TO NARROW THE FIELD BY CLOGGING THEIR ARTERIES.
AND THIS WEEKEND THEY OPENED WIDE -- KAMALA HARRIS TORE INTO
A PORK CHOP, BERNIE REDISTRIBUTED A CORNDOG TO HIS
FACE, ANDREW YANG PROMISED THIS TURKEY LEG A THOUSAND DOLLARS IF
IT VOTED FOR HIM.
EVEN VEGAN COREY BOOKER ATE A DEEP-FRIED PEANUT BUTTER AND
JELLY SANDWICH ON A STICK.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) AS A VEGAN, I ASSUME BOOKER ALSO
ATE THE STICK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
OF COURSE, SOME DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES ARE TRYING TO
DIFFERENTIATE THEMSELVES FROM THE PACK BY RELEASING PLANS.
AND MY FAVORITE SO FAR IS THIS ONE: "BERNIE SANDERS SAYS THAT,
IF HE'S ELECTED, HE'LL REVEAL WHETHER ALIENS ARE REAL."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
(AS BERNIE) "ALIENS EXIST, AND IT'S TIME FOR
HIGHER TAXES ON THOSE WHO LIVE LONG AND PROSPER!
EVERYONE DESERVES UNIVERSAL PROBE COVERAGE!
E.T. PHONE YOUR CONGRESSMAN BECAUSE, FOR TOO LONG, 1% OF THE
ALFS HAVE EATEN 90% OF THE CATS!
THE REPUBLICAN HEALTHCARE PLAN IS A COOK BOOK.
IT'S A COOK... BOOK."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
ONE CANDIDATE HAD A PARTICULARLY BAD WEEKEND IN IOWA, FORMER VICE
PRESIDENT AND GUY ABOUT TO EAT A DEEP-FRIED MICROPHONE, JOE
BIDEN.
( LAUGHTER ) IT ALL STARTED WHEN BIDEN SPOKE
AT A TOWN HALL IN DES MOINES AND SAID A WHOOPSIE.
>> WE HAVE THIS NOTION THAT SOMEHOW IF YOU'RE POOR YOU
CANNOT DO IT.
POOR KIDS ARE JUST AS BRIGHT AND JUST AS TALENTED AS WHITE KIDS--
WEALTHY KIDS, BLACK KIDS, ASIAN KIDS.
NO, I REALLY MEAN IT.
LEAVE IT TO JOE -- >> WE CHOOSE TRUTH OVER FACTS.
>> STEPHEN: (AS BIDEN) "WE CHOOSE TRUTH OVER FACTS!
HOPE OVER OPTIMISM!
FAITH OVER BELIEF!
AND ALWAYS, SYNONYMS OVER WORDS THAT MEAN THE SAME THING."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
NEWS OF BIDEN'S GAFFE GOT BACK TO THE PRESIDENT, WHO TWEETED
"JOE BIDEN JUST SAID, "WE BELIEVE IN FACTS, NOT TRUTH."
DOES ANYBODY REALLY BELIEVE HE IS MENTALLY FIT TO BE
PRESIDENT?" NICE TRY, MR. PRESIDENT, BUT
BIDEN DIDN'T SAY "FACTS NOT TRUTH."
HE SAID "TRUTH OVER FACTS."
YOU GOT BEING WRONG WRONG!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) I BELIEVE THIS IS A CASE OF THE
POT CALLING THE KETTLE MENTALLY UNFIT.
>> TAKE A LOOK AT THE ORANGES-- THE ORANGES OF THE UHH
INVESTIGATION.
THE DIVERSARY LOTTERY.
DIVERSARY AND DIVERSITY.
BY-- AN ENOMINOUS REALLY AN ANNONYMUSH.
THE COMBAT INFANTROOPEN.
ADVISING LARMARKERS.
WE APPRECIATE IT VERY MUCH, TIM- APPLE.
NAMBIA.
TANZAYNIA.
VENE-WELLAS.
GOD BLESS THE UNITED STATESHH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: SEE, MR. PRESIDENT
( PIANO RIFF ) MR. PRESIDENT, YOU'RE NOT ONE TO
TALK.
SERIOUSLY, PLEASE STOP TALKING.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
CATE BLANCHETT IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, TRUMP'S GOT A NEW FRIEND, SAME AS THE OLD
FRIEND.
STICK AROUND.