WELCOME BACK.
MY NEXT GUEST IS A COMEDIAN WHO HAS ELEVATED ANGER TO AN ART
FORM.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," LEWIS BLACK!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: OH, LEWIS...
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT'S IT BEEN?
SEVEN OR EIGHT MONTHS SINCE YOU AND I WERE TOGETHER?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I HAVE KNOWN YOU SINCE YOU WERE AN ANGRY YOUNG
MAN.
( LAUGHTER ) AND HOW ARE YOU COPING THESE
DAYS?
HOW ARE YOU HOLDING IT TOGETHER?
>> I HAVE A SUGGESTION.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
THIS IS THE WAY I THINK THAT ALL AMERICANS SHOULD APPROACH
THESE TIMES.
EVERYONE, NO MATTER WHAT SIDE YOU'RE ON AT THIS POINT --
>> Stephen: SURE.
NOBODY'S HAPPY.
>> EVERYBODY'S MISERABLE.
SEE, WHAT YOU DO -- EVERYBODY TURNS ON THE TV WHEN THEY WAKE
UP.
DON'T!
OKAY?
BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENS IS IMMEDIATELY YOU GO, OH, MY GOD!
WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
SO WHAT YOU DOIN' STEAD IS YOU GO TO THE STOVE, TURN ON A
BURNER, PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN AND LIGHT YOUR HAIR ON FIRE, AND
THEN YOU SPEND THE DAY PUTTING THAT FIRE OUT.
AND PEOPLE CALL AND SAY, WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY?
YOU SAY, MY HAIR WAS OBSERVE FIRE -- ON FIRE AND I PUT IT
OUT.
AND AT LEAST YOU ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING THAT DAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: BECAUSE OTHERWISE,
YOUR HAIR'S ON FIRE AND YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING.
I HESITATE TO ASK, BUT DID YOU CATCH ANY OF YESTERDAY'S
EXCITEMENT, THE SUMMIT IN HELSINKI, THE SECRET TWO HOURS
WE DIDN'T GET TO SEE AND THE POST-SUMMIT PRESS CONFERENCE
WITH VLADIMIR PUTIN AND DONALD TRUMP?
>> YES, BECAUSE I WAS COMING ON YOUR SHOW, SO I HAD TO WATCH IT!
>> Stephen: WE HAVE CAMERAS AND EVERYTHING HERE.
>> OH, NO!
SEE, THIS IS THE THING, THERE SHOULD BE A CONSTITUTIONAL
AMENDMENT THAT, DURING THE SUMMER, UNLESS IT'S REALLY
IMPORTANT, THE PRESIDENT HAS TO SHUT UP!
( LAUGHTER ) DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING TO US,
UNLESS THERE'S SOMETHING REALLY MAJOR.
WHY?
BECAUSE IT'S SUMMER.
OKAY?
THAT'S OUR TIME!
NOT HIS TIME!
THAT'S OUR TIME!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS IS THE TIME FOR US TO
BARBECUE, EAT LOTS OF FATTY FOODS.
HE EATS FATTY FOODS EVERY DAY!
THIS IS OUR TIME TO JUST RELAX AND HAVE A GOOD TIME, OKAY?
I DON'T NEED TO HAVE HIM TELLING ME THAT WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM WITH
N.A.T.O., ALL RIGHT?
WHY?
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH N.A.T.O.
I DON'T NEED HIM TELLING ME RUSSIA IS OUR BEST FRIEND.
WHY?
BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT OUR BEST FRIEND!
SO I DON'T KNOW NEED THIS -- >> Stephen: CBS, NOW.
I WAS GOOD, DIDN'T I?
I STOPPED!
MOMMY, I STOPPED!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU HAVE A T-SHIRT
ON THERE, NATIONAL COMEDY CENTER.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THE NATIONAL COMEDY CENTER AND ARE
YOU CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED TO WEAR THEIR T-SHIRT ON
TELEVISION?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THAT?
IT IS A CENTER FOR COMEDY THAT HAS BEEN BUILT --
>> Stephen: NATIONALLY.
-- NATIONALLY.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S IN, OF ALL PLACES,
JAMESTOWN, NEW YORK.
>> Stephen: OKAY, SURE, KNOWN FOR --
>> IT'S THE ANCESTRAL HOME OF LUCILLE BALL.
>> Stephen: ANCESTRAL MEANING SHE WAS BORN THERE?
>> SHE WAS BORN THERE.
( APPLAUSE ) THEY, FOR A LONG TIME, HAD A
FESTIVAL FOR HER, ABOUT HER.
YOU KNOW, IT WAS THE LUCILLE BALL COMEDY FESTIVAL, I
PARTICIPATED IN THAT, NUMBERS OF COMICS DID, AND OUT OF THAT
AROSE THE IDEA OF CREATING A NATIONAL COMEDY CENTER, AND THAT
OPENS AUGUST 1.
I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH IT.
MY FRIEND KELLY CARLIN, GEORGE CARLIN'S DAUGHTER, SHE REALLY
KIND OF KICKED OFF THE -- REALLY GOT IT MOVING IN THE RIGHT
DIRECTION.
SHE GAVE ALL OF GEORGE CARLIN'S STUFF TO THE COMEDY CENTER, SO
IT'S ALL THERE NOW.
>> Stephen: I LOVE COMEDY, I'M A STUDENT OF COMEDY, WHAT CAN I
SEE THERE AND GET THERE THAT I DON'T GET.
>> LET ME GIVE YOU THIS SO YOU CAN GO.
>> Stephen: OKAY, NATIONAL COMEDY CENTER.
>> YOU WEAR THAT WRIST BAND AND BECAUSE YOU'RE MY FRIEND, I'M
ONLY GOING TO CHARGE YOU FIVE BUCKS.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THAT?
THERE'S LIKE A CHIP INSIDE THERE.
>> THERE'S, LIKE, A COMPUTER CHIP.
>> Stephen: THIS IS HOW YOU'RE TRACKING ME?
>> THAT'S THE NEWEST.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THAT FOR?
WHEN YOU ENTER THE NATIONAL COMEDY CENTER, YOU COME TO A
SCREEN, THEY TAKE -- A PICTURE IS TAKEN OF YOU AND YOU PUT THAT
NEXT TO THIS -- WHATEVER IT IS, I DON'T KNOW.
YOU'RE TALKING TO SOMEBODY -- THE TWO OF US, IF THERE WAS A
TECH MOMENT -- IF THERE WAS A TECH SHOW, DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG
THAT SHOW WOULD BE ON WITH THE TWO OF US?
EIGHT SECONDS!
>> Stephen: IT'S SOMEHOW READ AND SCANNED --
>> AND UP COMES A WHOLE BUNCH OF COMICS' NAMES, LIKE 100 OF THEM,
YOU PICK THE ONES YOU LIKE, YOU PICK THE COMEDY MOVIES YOU LIKE,
THE COMIC TV SHOWS YOU LIKE, THEN YOU ENTER THE CENTER.
THEN YOU GO FROM PLACE TO PLACE, AND WHEN YOU ARRIVE --
>> Stephen: IT KNOWS YOU'RE THERE AND DIRECTS YOU TO THE
RIGHT PLACE?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: IF I SAY I LIKE COSBY, DOES IT TAKE ME STRAIGHT
TO JAIL?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> NO, BUT I'M GONNA SUGGEST THAT.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY.
RE-THINK THIS CHOICE.
>> YES.
SO IT TAKES YOU AROUND AND IT REALLY DOES -- I MEAN, YOU WALK
INTO ONE AREA IS ALL OF GEORGE'S -- ALL THESE LITTLE
PAPERS HE DID WITH JUST ONE LINE ON THEM.
>> Stephen: HIS NOTES.
HIS NOTES.
>> Stephen: HOW HE WOULD CREATE HIS ROUTINE.
>> RIGHT, YOU PRESS A BUTTON AND ALL THE NOTES SHOW UP.
>> Stephen: DID YOU EVER TALK TO GEORGE?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: HE WAS ONE OF MY HEROS.
I NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO MEET HIM.
>> I GOT A CHANCE TO TALK TO HIM ON A COUPLE OF OCCASIONS, AND HE
WAS EXTRAORDINARY.
WHAT'S REALLY AMAZING THERE IS YOU REALLY GET A SENSE THERE OF
JUST HOW MUCH HE PUT IN THE CREATION OF A SET.
IT WAS LIKE A COMPOSER AND A PLAYWRIGHT AND TRULY AN ARTIST,
WHICH IS WHY I THINK THE COMEDY CENTER IS IMPORTANT, BECAUSE
KIND OF LIKE WHAT WE DO AS A CRAFT.
WHO KNEW, YOU KNOW?
>> Stephen: OH, YOU GUYS JUST GO TO WORK AND LAUGH ALL DAY.
>> YEAH -- ( LAUGHTER )
AND THEY HAVE A WHOLE SECTION -- THERE'S A PLACE TO GO SEE ALL
THE KIND OF LATE NIGHT SHOWS THAT HAVE BEEN DONE FROM THE
BEGINNING ON.
>> Stephen: IS THIS SHOW IN THERE?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
NO ONE ASKED ME.
>> THEY DON'T HAVE TO.
THEY JUST COME AND GRAB YOUR STUFF AND THROW IT UP THERE.
THAT'S THE WAY IT IS BECAUSE CBS SAID, HEY, HA HA!
SCREW HIM!
PUT HIM OUT THERE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: AND I'M HONORED.
AND I'M HONORED.
THE NATIONAL COMEDY CENTER OPENS AUGUST 1 AND YOU CAN CATCH LEWIS
ON TOUR IN NEW ORLEANS ON SEPTEMBER 15.
LEWIS BLACK, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.