In this video, you will learn 5 steps that ensure you will win at any dating mind games.
That’s right… I’m going to tell you exactly what to do so you can come out a winner
every time someone tries to manipulate or play head games with you.
hi everyone.. I’m dr Antonio Borrello, Welcome to my channel. I’m a psychologist and relationship
coach and I make weekly dating and relationship advice videos. If you want to build great
relationships so you can grow happy with the people you love, start now by clicking the
subscribe button and the bell notification so you aren’t missing anything. OK… on
to the 4 tips to win at any mind games.. oh.. and I’m saving the best one for last, because
without doing this last tip, the others won’t really work very well. So make sure you watch
until the end.
Mind games or head games are calculated and deliberate behaviors that one or both partners
use to manipulate, to intimidate, to influence, or to undermine another person’s behaviors.
They are used by people who have learned how to push other people’s buttons and pick
up on subtle emotional signals in order to manipulate them. These games involve twisting
the facts and creating doubt to destabilize another person.
Usually Mind games are rewarding to one person and harmful to the other, but either way,
mind games create exhausting and messy dynamics in every kind of friendship or dating relationship.
Remember, mind games are calculated and deliberate because the people who use them expect to
get something out of them.. And when you understand what that is, what they hope to achieve by
engaging in mind games, then you can expose the game and the player, and win.. every time.
are they using mind games because they want to feel more secure in the relationship, or
gain some self esteem or self-justification. Or, are they controlling and abusive by nature,
and trying to use mind games to break down, destabilize and control you. If their mind
game can elicit a particular response from you, or move you to do what they want, then
they gain the powerful feeling they are looking for and feel in control of you and the situation.
So, how do you find out the intent behind the games?
Well, when you feel like something isn’t right.. when you feel like someone is trying
to manipulate you…when you feel it in your gut… that’s your intuition telling you
that something is wrong… that’s intuition telling you there is something about the way
this person is behaving that just isn’t right.. So.. you listen to your intuition
and Call their bluff.
#1 Call their Bluff. It’s very important that the person who’s
playing mind games knows that you know the game is being played. That’s why you need
to confront them directly and ask what exactly motivated the behavior that bothered you.
So, being as direct as possible, share your thoughts and let your partner know exactly
what troubles you about a given behavior of his. And… this isn’t something you’ll
want to do when you’re angry or upset… it’s a heart to heart conversation where
you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable and sharing your concerns.
#2 Understanding the Motivation. the most important part of this conversation
has to do with his reaction or response to your concerns… and he may respond in one
of three different ways… 1… He will respond by Completely denying what you know has happened,
2 he may become defensive and try to turn it around on you… like it’s somehow your
fault… or 3 he will respond with concern, explanation and attempt to deepen the relationship
through understanding. Oh.. and yeah… the first 2 are bad.. but I want to talk about
the third response first.. .because you can work with this one.
As I’ve mentioned before, Sometimes games are used by insecure partners who want to
test your feelings or test your reactions because they want to feel better about the
relationship. Again these are manipulative behaviors, (and they are deliberate) but the
perpetrators might not even realize that they are engaging in psychological manipulation.
Here’s an example, imagine Someone you are dating encouraging you to do one thing and
then getting angry when you take them up on the offer. Like they suggest you go hang
out with your friends... and when you do, they become upset because you chose to hang
out with friends instead of them. Why did they suggest you go? Because they wanted
you to demonstrate you’d rather be with them. So here, the Mind game was motivated
by insecurity, right?
In this case, having a heart to heart with your partner may help him to fully understand
the behavior and why it’s happening. . It takes so much courage to be vulnerable enough
to share our deepest needs of wanting to love and be loved. What if you tell someone you
really care for them and you are rejected in some way. Remember…They want to feel
better about some aspect of the relationship. They want to know how much you care. So
encourage them to share.. and make them feel safe in doing so.. honestly, this could be
an opportunity for the two of you to get closer as you both acknowledge the problem and seek
understanding.
3. Exposing the Player If your partner responds to your conversation
with denial or becomes extremely defensive, you may be dealing with a controlling or abusive
person. In other words, they are going to attempt to turn this thing around and make
you question what you are feeling… this is part of the game playing… it’s part
of the manipulation and attempt to destabilize you.
Look, your partner should never minimize or deny your right to what you’re feeling.
If you are hurt, it’s probably because someone has disappointed you. And, it's not up to
them to decide how you should feel. A friend doesn't minimize or ridicule something that
hurt you, or try to convince you that you're over reacting. If you feel hurt, your partner
should acknowledge your pain and seek to understand you.
when you confront and ask your partner about a particular behavior or situation that is
troubling you, you are putting them on notice … and When they become defensive and deny
what you know is true, it’s time for you to stop the conversation and walk away.. If
you’re dealing with a controlling player, This will either challenge them to stop the
games with you and move on to someone else, or they’ll quit not only messing with your
head, but also with your heart.
4. Make a decision and stay strong.
When you realize that you are dealing with a manipulative player, it may be difficult
to pick up and walk away for a number of reasons. Sometimes people know what they should do,
but choose to do the opposite. I know.. I’ve done it. When we have high hopes for a relationship…
when we think some has great potential… when we are really attracted to someone, we
often minimize and justify their bad behaviors because we don’t want to walk away and feel
like we’ve failed. That’s when you have to forget about what you feel, and remember
what you deserve.
ASK yourself… if this person is really relationship worthy? Ask yourself.. how much of my desire
to be in a committed relationship is influenced by the fact that he isn’t treating you the
way you should be treated and you want to change that..
Is this person even capable of a relationship with emotional intimacy.. is he someone who
values of love, loyalty, mutual respect and the possibility of a future. Without these,
the relationship is nothing more than a casual thing that becomes disposable. Again,..
is this person really that good? Are you really that compatible… do you share mutual
respect? , can you see your left making long term goals
with this person. If no, you’ve got to get yourself to act and stick to the decision.
So, the last one, the most important one… #5 is overcome your fear of being rejected…
overcome your fear of the relationship ending.. What’s the worst thing that could happen…
What is going to happen if you get rejected? Is the world coming to an end? Are you going
to die? Nope! It is simple that the friendship is over and you are no longer dating, right?
And, YOU WILL SURVIVE..
How many years have you lived without this person in your life? How long have you been
dating? 3 months, 6 months… a year… what was your life like before your met mr
wonderful? Has he been the reason you’ve made it thus
far in life? I know I’m being ridiculous, but really… rejection is a disappointment…
it’s a feeling and it hurts. And, you’ll probably miss that person too.. you’ll miss
the things you did together. OK… that’s true…
But you must adopt the belief that if It’s meant to happen, it will… if you’re
not compatible, its not going to work out in the long run anyway.
Rejection doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you- ever. It only means that whatever
we are asking for is not meant to happen at this time.
It does not mean we stop living or bury ourselves in a hole. And please… please, please
don’t ruminate about why he doesn’t treat you well… or obsess over whether he will
treat the next person well… he won’t… if he is a manipulative player.. he will do
the same thing because he needs to be in control.
The last thing I want to say is this… if a relationship is meant to be… if he
is the person for you, if you are really that compatible, then confronting a person about
his bad behavior will certainly wake him up. That’s for sure… But if it’s not
right… if he’s not the right one for you, if there are too many differences, or if he’s
a controlling and abusive person.. … nothing you can do will change that outcome… it
just wont work… and that’s ok.
Oh, yeah.. and there are a few unintended consequences of taking back your power and
walking away from anyone who attempts to manipulate you by using mind games. Walking away will
bring you to a healthier place.. and ready for the right relationship. You become stronger
and are able to overcome the peaks and valleys better with each lesson learned. You become
aware of what you want and don’t want in a relationship and are able to make decisions
based on what is best for you. It is very liberating and empowering to know that if
you walk away from an abusive person…, that person was not really right and that someone
better is coming along.