- Hello, hi, hi, hi. Welcome to "Bronx Beat."
I'm Betty. - I'm Jodi. You know that.
- Yes, hello, hello.
- Okay, welcome to our Christmas episode.
Cheers to Christmas. - Cheers to Christmas.
Here you go, cheers, friend.
Wait a minute.
Did you put alcohol in this eggnog?
- Of course, what do you think?
- I'm not having any, you know, what 'cause I gotta drive.
- We all gotta drive. What? Everyone's driving.
Y'all gonna drive. Okay. - Relax.
- So it's Christmas, but not that you would know it
'cause every time you turn on your TV,
what do you see? Bad news. - Bad news.
Gloom and doom. I'm sick of it.
So stupid. It's Christmas. Give me a break.
- You know what I want for Christmas?
- Huh? - No more bad news.
- Thank you. Yeah, it's Christmas.
You think you got Santa coming down the chimney?
It's ISIS.
- Aye-yi-yisis, okay?
ISIS, enough.
Take a day off. - Enough.
- Take a nap.
Go for a walk. - Yeah.
- Do something nice. - Yeah.
Go see a movie. - Yeah, go see "Star Wars."
- Oh my, enough, no, enough with Star Wars.
- Enough with Star Wars.
- I don't want anymore Star Wars, okay?
- May the force give me a break already.
- Ugh.
- I'm saturated. - Saturated.
- Everywhere you look, it's Star Wars
and yogurts and soups and buses
and backpacks and candy bars and crackers and soups.
- You know what? Not for me.
Too many lasers and corridors and bleep bloops.
It's exhausting. Grow up.
- There's a giant talking dog in that movie.
So dumb.
- Yeah, that's right, they call it a Wookie.
- A Wookie.
And his name is Chewie.
You know what, I'm throughie with Chewie.
- Yeah.
- 'Cause he's a Wookie. - A Wookie.
- What the hell's a Wookie?
- A dog-man that flies a plane.
Pass!
- You know how to say, "I'm sick of Star Wars," in Wookie?
[gargling noises]
- The only thing about space I'm more interested in
is more counter space. - Thank you.
- Because my dumb husband takes it up
with all this NutriBullet.
- Ugh, it's so dumb. - Makes his shakes.
- Ugh, shakes are dumb.
My dumb husband made meatballs
with too much garlic in them the other night
and we're laying in bed
and he's farting in his sleep,
and I'm blaming it on the dog.
Dog looks at me and says, "Uh-uh. It's that guy."
- Husbands are so dumb.
- But I love him.
Farts and all!
He farts like a dog,
but he makes love to me so tenderly.
Gave me my four children!
- All right, God, Jodi, really, relax.
- I'm fine. I'm fine.
Anyway, who cares?
- All right. - All right.
- Let's bring out the first guest. Who is it?
- All right, well, no one was available
'cause of the holidays
so I got my cousin Karen from Philly.
- Oh, right, cousin Karen. I like her. She's cute.
- Yeah, she's cute, right?
She's bringing some homemade Christmas ornaments.
She's going to show it to us.
She sells them on Etsy or whatever.
- Great.
Come on in. - Come on, Karen.
Hurry up now.
All right, good to see you, Karen.
- Hi, Karen. - How are things in Philly?
- Yeah, okay, I just got done clearing
dead fall out of my yard
and I made a gang of stuffed peppers
to take down the shore.
My son, Dave, just started Roxy.
How are youse?
- Oh my god, Karen.
I forgot what a beautiful accent you have.
You sound fancy.
- So classy. - So classy.
- Get out. Don't be stupid.
- Oh, I have always, always been jealous of that accent.
- Yeah, I wish I had an accent.
- Me too.
I talk so boring. - Yeah.
- Okay, say things in Philly. Say "water."
- Wooder.
- What did she say?
- Say "water."
- Wooder.
- What did she say? - Water.
- Wooder. - What's she saying?
- Say "water."
- Wooder, yeah, wooder.
- What'd she say? Water? - Oh, so beautiful.
- It's like "Downtown Abbey."
- Yeah.
- It's like when you go home
you have a maid that has a pinafore.
You talk like a beautiful fairy.
- Yeah. So what's new in Philly?
- Well, you know my brother Dave
and his friend Dave and their other friend Dave
saw a guy beat a Salvation Army Santa
with an old car battery in the Wawa parking lot.
Now, Philly's a warzone.
- Okay, Karen, we don't want any more bad news.
- We are sick of bad news, Karen.
- Okay, well, this is kind of good news.
The other day, a serial killer killed
another serial killer in front of the Liberty Bell.
So you know, that's two less serial killers.
In Philly we call that a Christmas miracle.
- You know what? The world has gone cuckoo.
- Cuckoo.
- I don't even drink coffee in the morning anymore.
I go straight to wine. - Yeah, I mean, come on.
Seriously people, it's Christmas and it's crazy.
The traffic...
you can't get anywhere.
- She's crying about the traffic.
- You got to pay the taxi driver fare and a half
just to go half a block.
See that stupid tree.
- Jodi, why are you crying over traffic?
Are you okay?
You're having crazy mood swings.
- I'm fine.
- Do you want some water?
- What? Warder?
- Hang on, hang on.
I'm like Columbo over here.
Look, you're not drinking - I'm fine.
- Your moods are all over the place.
- I'm fine.
- Oh, my God.
My gut is telling me something.
Please tell me I'm wrong.
Please tell me I'm wrong. - You're not wrong.
I'm pregnant!
- [groaning loudly]
- I have an 18-year-old going to the University of Maryland
and I have to go shop for a crib after this show.
- Oh, Jodi, what terrible news.
- Terrible. - Terrible, terrible news,
but babies are a blessing.
- Babies are a blessing.
I know.
I love babies and I love you guys.
Merry Christmas. - I'm so happy for you.
- Me too.
- But, let me tell you something,
if I was pregnant, I'd kill myself.
- Yeah, I know.
- All right, we're almost out of time
and I just realized we never looked
at your ornaments, Karen.
- Oh, okay. Yeah, here's one.
I gotta be honest with you. They're not great.
- Nope.
- No, they are not. - Don't quit your day job.
- Yeah, just put it back in the box.
- Put it back in the box. It's offending me.
All right, so Merry Christmas - Merry Christmas, everybody.
- We have a lot of shopping to do so we gotta go.
- I gotta go. I gotta go get a crib.