hey there everybody welcome back to part five the final part of the betrayed spouse I am your host
dr. dawn elise Snipes this last part we're going to talk about is the relational or interpersonal
effects of betrayal and the first thing that happens after a betrayal is trust issues you
know go figure it's important to stay in the present when you are engaging with other people
and a lot of times after we've been betrayed not only do we not trust the person who betrayed us
but we start questioning other people's motives as well and it's important to stay in the present and
focus on facts what evidence do I have that this person is not trustworthy and what evidence do I
have that this person is trustworthy stay in the present remember what's going on and don't hold
hostages learn from the past but don't assume that anytime anybody does anything like your
ex did or like the person in the past did that they're betraying there could be potentially
very benign explanations it's important if you feel anxious to address that anxiety to notice
it and do something about it but you don't want to hold hostages and assume that you know that
this person is cheating on you or is getting ready to cheat on you make sure to focus on facts when
it comes to trust issues what do you know about the situation not what do you think what do you
assume the other person's thinking but what do you actually know the next issue is a fear of
intimacy and vulnerability once you have been betrayed by your spouse the person that you are
probably most intimate and most vulnerable with it is terrifying to become that vulnerable again
because it felt like a dagger to the heart when you found out you were being betrayed and you
don't want to feel that again you experienced a trauma let's call it for what it is it's important
in your new relationships to take it slowly you know be aware that it's going to be terrifying
to be vulnerable and you may do just kind of like you do when you're getting into a cold pool you
may dip your toe in and then pull it back out and though you know what not ready to do that again
and then eventually you'll get to the point where you might want to consider it so you go sit on the
edge of the pool and put your feet in you're just gonna test it out a little bit you're not gonna
take the plunge yet at some point once you're you know acclimated to the situation and you feel like
it's not going to be too painful you may actually jump into the pool and see how it feels same thing
with our relationships initially you may just kind of dip your toe in or stay on on the sidelines and
just go and go out with friends because it's too overwhelming to think about getting into
a relationship again and then you might start casually dating you know just dipping that toe
in not intending to not get serious about anything but just start experimenting and exploring again
dip that toe in once that feels comfortable you may start doing it a little bit more and
you know sit on the edge of the pool so to speak and hang your head hang your legs in until you
start feeling more comfortable and feeling like okay it wouldn't be completely overwhelming to
maybe start having feelings for somebody again but take it slowly after a betrayal you have to
have time for your wounds to heal make sure not to confuse sex or superficial small talk with
intimacy sex can be just sex it may not be true intimacy if you are one of those persons who tend
to people who tends to quote catch feelings when you are physically intimate with someone be aware
of that because if you do it too quickly you may feel super vulnerable after having sex with them
terrify yourself and cause yourself more distress and superficial small talk is also something that
sometimes gets confused with intimacy but having somebody text you in the morning just to say hello
and text you in the evening just to see how your day went you know that's pretty superficial that's
not super intimate conversation there and it can get confused with intimacy a lot of times this is
where people need to start is that superficial small talk and that's great but don't assume or
don't go from superficial small talk to plunging into the deep end right away unless you know you
really feel like you're ready for it recognize that there's a big difference between taking
the plunge and communicating by chat twice a day and thirdly you may question the goodness
of others after something like this happens you know you loved your partner you trusted
your partner you wanted to trust other people most of us want to trust other people and your
partner and somebody else both were involved in this emotional assault it may be hard to trust
others or see the goodness in others during this period especially the goodness in people who are
similar to your betrayer and it's important to make a list of good trustworthy people you have
known or currently know including yourself so you don't start saying all people all
men are dogs you know you don't want to say that because all men aren't dogs there are
some really genuine awesome guys out there and you can say you can make generalizations about
women you can make generalizations about married people you can make all kinds of generalizations
about anybody you want but that's using that extreme language so we want to look
for the exceptions who is good trustworthy and you know restores your faith in humanity
all right thank you for being with me for this series I will see you in the next one