[Chris D'Elia] Cubans love being Cubans.
They're so fucking excited, it's hilarious.
You know what the opposite of Cubans are?
Russians. Straight up.
(Crowd laughing)
They don't give a fuck. They're mad always.
You never (laughs)
You never met a happy Russian ever. Ever.
I can prove it right now.
You never once in your life heard a Russian go like this,
"Oh my God, no way. Fucking awesome."
(Crowd laughs)
That's why you're laughing, you agree with that shit!
You ever seen a Russian outside of Disneyland like,
"Hurry up, is the whole crew here?
"Let's go on rides, go! Go!
"Come on. Let's go, go, go!"
No!
They just stand outside of Disneyland like,
"Fuck this bullshit, I hate this place.
"Fuck you, fuck this place.
"I hate this.
"Mickey and Minnie Mouse, worst couple ever. I don't care.
"Shittiest place on Earth
"I see rollercoaster go by, I follow them.
"Fuck you, I don't care.
"Bye, bye!
"Oh you coming back for more?
"Hey asshole,
I see you doing loops.
"Asshole dizzy bitch fuck head."
Russians are mad dude.
Dude, they never. They just.
I used to live in the valley, I moved.
But that shit was, man.
There was so many Russians where I was, like,
that it was like, Russia.
There were
(crowd laughs)
I go to this coffee shop everyday.
I would go to this coffee shop. Everyday.
And twelve Russians would show up on motorcycles,
every single day
(chuckles)
Uh,
at like, 1:00 pm.
They would all show up, and I would wait for them,
and every time they showed up,
they were all pissed off, always.
Like so mad, for no reason.
And it was like they just drove everyday
from their divorce attorney. Like that's how it was.
They're like, "I had bad meeting.
"I'm going to have to give wife half of my shit.
"Let's go get coffee, twelve of us."
Like that's how it was.
(Laughs)
(Crowd cheers)
"I have to..."
(laughs)
I like that logic.
"I had to
(Chuckles)
I have to give my wife $20,000.
"Let's go get coffee. Twelve of us."
(Laughs)
And they'd be pissed off!
They'd show up on the motorcycles,
and they'd get off the motorcycles,
like they hated motorcycles.
Like that's,
They would just get off and just be like,
"Fuck this bullshit. I hate this,
"asshole way of transportation.
"Fuck you I don't care.
"I wish I had more wheels. Fuck you!
"But my wife took the other two, I don't care."
And then they walk into the coffee shop
like they hate coffee they just walk in like,
"What is this bullshit?
"What is this asshole menu?
"Where is barista, come here barista. This way.
"Fuck you, but come here.
"But fuck you, but come here. But fuck you though.
"Mainly fuck you, but also come here.
"In your asshole, come here.
"What is this bullshit drink?
"Fuck that bullshit drink.
"Fuck you drink. I want one of those.
"And I want to drink it but also fuck you.
I don't care.
(Laughs)
They walk always.
They walk around like this way.
Like, so you know they're mad.
Fucking chin down.
"Chin tucked,
"and down. Chin."
Fuck my own chin, I don't care.
"Chin tucked in and down.
"Chest out, chin down,
"Chest minimum neck exposure. I don't care.
"Neck is for friends and family only.
"Neck is like Mafia, you get in,
"nobody comes out. I don't care.
"Chest out for confidence,
"Chin down for fuck you. I don't care."
(Crowd cheers)
(Upbeat music)