Unfortunately abuse happens and sometimes that's emotional abuse within
a marriage. I've got 5 ways that you can heal a marriage after emotional
abuse. Stay tuned.
Unfortunately, the abuse happens. We hurt each other. I love the way Desmond Tutu
put this. He said, we are all broken and from that brokenness, we hurt each other.
It's going to happen, right? Even in a marriage, this is a place where you
should experience love and acceptance and joy and bliss and all that great
stuff that you got married for in the first place.
But because we're human, we tend to hurt each other and emotional abuse can
happen. Now, I'm not justifying or saying that it's okay to emotionally abuse
someone. But the topic of this video is how are we going to recover from that.
Here's 5 quick strategies for how to recover. Number one is to focus on
self-care. This is where you have to start because regardless of what other
people are going to do in your life, you can take immediate steps toward taking
care of this. Getting number one back on track. Now, there are several things that
you can do that are very practical. Number one, get enough sleep. 2, eat a
balanced diet. 3, regular exercise. We're talking good aerobic exercise to
get your heart pumping. At least 3 times a week.
Number 4, prayer and meditation. Having some time to just quiet the noise. You
know. All that noise that's going on in your mind, you can quiet it down.
Meditation, yoga exercise. Those kinds of things are really going to help. Take care
of yourself. This is really important in order to recover from the emotional
abuse. The second of our 5 strategies is to practice forgiveness. There's a lot
of misconceptions out there about forgiveness. Forgiveness is not saying
that it was okay because sometimes it's not, right? Being abused is not okay. That's
not what we're saying with forgiveness. Forgiveness is not letting someone off
the hook for their misdeeds or their crimes or their sins. You don't have that
kind of authority. Forgiveness? I like the way one of my colleagues put this.
Forgiveness is giving up our demand for a better past.
Ooh! That's juicy. Write that down somewhere and think about how you've
been hanging on to some of the past offenses. Practicing forgiveness means
that you're going to let go of those in order to open up your hands to do the
other kind of work that you're going to need to do as you move forward with
recovery. Forgiveness is also one of the 9 powerful principles that help us to
save a marriage. I did another video, how to save a marriage on the brink of
divorce. you can link to it right up there in the card. Cue that up to watch
right after you finish this video and you'll get some other great ideas. Now,
the top 2 requests that come into my office when couples are wanting to heal
their marriage --trust and communication. Those 2 things are so important. And I
think if we have effective communication, we can build the trust. So, number 3
on our list today of strategies for recovery is to improve your
communication skills. This is something you can do together as a couple. But even
if your spouse isn't on board yet, here's something that you can start with
immediately. Listen to understand. Let's talk about those 2 words real quick.
Listen. Incidentally in the English language,
that word has the same letters as the word silent. Which i think is a
coincidence. But it's kind of helpful because you're going to just quiet the
noise in your mind for a minute. And listen to understand. That's our goal.
Understanding and agreeing are not the same thing. And a lot of times when you
start hearing something from your spouse that you don't agree with, you stop
listening. Well, turn it back on. Keep listening with the goal of
understanding. You want to make sure that what you get from them is exactly what
they intended to send you. And communication is fraught with
difficulties. We've done some other videos about that as well. You can find
those in the positive relationships resources here on the channel. Got a
whole playlist for that. That brings us to strategy number 4.
Choose love. I did a whole book on this. It's called The Love Choice. Here's the
crux of it. Every interaction that we have with our spouse is going to fall on
one side or the other. I don't think there's a neutral option. I think every
interaction will either be a love choice or what's the opposite? A hate choice.
Abuse is a hate choice and it could be a little or a lot. But I think it's going
to fall on one end of the spectrum or the other. When we see it as a choice, it
actually empowers us to make that choice. Because until we see it as a choice ,it's
not. Did you follow that? Until we see it as a choice, it's not. Have you been
showing up with your spouse? Now, if someone abuses me, I'm more likely to
react in a hateful way toward that person. Resist that inclination because
you still have a choice. And even if someone comes at you with hate, you can
respond with love whatever that looks like. You ask yourself "What is the most
loving thing that I could do?" And you're going to be in a good place if you'll
choose love. Strategy number 5. I saved this one to the last. It's probably one
of the hardest ones to implement because of pride or taboos or culture or
whatever it is. Get some help, some therapy, some counselling. Some coaching.
Someone who can assist you to get outside of your own head. Maybe help the
two of you communicate better. Give you a forum where you can
actually start solving problems. And please use discretion.
Unfortunately the research shows that some people who go into a therapeutic
setting actually get worse. Some get better, some stay about the same. The
research is really interesting in the outcome studies that have been done here.
I think what you're looking for is a coach or a counselor who resonates with
your values. Who understand your purpose as a couple as a family and who will
support you in applying the right kinds of principles to get there. A couple of
years ago, there's a popular channel on YouTube called Kids Snippets through the
boardshorts channel. And they actually filmed an episode about marriage
counseling in my office. I wasn't in the film but you'll see my office. Go take a
look at it, I think you're gonna enjoy that one. I hope you found that helpful.
There are so many other resources available. The next video up is how to
save a marriage on the brink of divorce. You'll get some of the same ideas but
we're going to dig a little deeper into it. So, I hope you enjoy that video as well.