-Welcome, everybody.
Thank you very much.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show."
[ Cheering and applause ] Ah!
Well, guys, the first week of 2021
was quite a year.
[ Laughter ]
You know, when I got into comedy as a teenager,
I never imagined I would spend three days
discussing an American coup.
[ Laughter ]
Honestly, if I knew what this week was going to be like,
everyone would've spent New Year's Eve poppin' bottles
of Pepto-Bismol.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, it's been a hell of a week.
If the country were a rental car, Trump's returning it
with an empty tank and a huge dent.
[ As Trump ] She's all yours.
[ Laughter ]
But Trump is in some serious trouble.
It's sounding like, next week,
he really could be impeached again.
[ Cheering and applause ] Yeah, Trump could be
the first U.S. president in history
to get impeached twice.
[ Laughter ]
And, if Rudy Giuliani gets involved,
he could probably squeeze in a third.
[ Laughter ] I mean --
[ Applause ]
No one gets impeached twice.
Do you know how hard it is to do?
It's basically O.J. getting away with it,
then getting nine years for stealing sports memorabilia.
[ Laughter ] It can't happen.
It can't.
Seriously, you know you messed up
when you're fired and, on the way out,
you somehow get fired again.
It's like, "Wait. What?"
[ Laughter ]
Trump's life is really historic.
He's on track to be the only president to get elected once,
impeached twice,
and divorced three times.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, after a 12-hour ban,
Trump's Twitter account was restored
and today he tweeted...
[ Laughter ]
In related news,
the New York Jets announced they won't be
at this year's Super Bowl.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Drumbeat ]
[ Cymbals crash ] [ Playing funk ]
♪♪
[ Laughter ] -What are you swinging?
Is that a pocket watch? -It's a chain.
Yeah, a pocket watch, yeah. [ Laughter ]
-Like the '40s? -Yeah.
♪♪
There you go. There you go.
[ Laughter ]
Well, last night, Trump posted a video on Twitter
where he tried to bring down the temperature of the country.
Listen to what he said.
-Now, Congress has certified the results.
A new administration will be inaugurated on January 20th.
My focus now turns to ensuring a smooth, orderly,
and seamless transition of power.
This moment calls for healing and reconciliation.
-Last time I heard someone that nervous
reading something out loud,
it was at a bar mitzvah.
[ Laughter ]
After Trump finished his speech, he was like --
[ As Trump ] Okay, now, can I have dessert?
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, the riots at the Capitol are still being examined
and anyone who might've played a role
is being investigated. Listen to this.
-Federal prosecutors are saying they are looking
at all actors involved in the riot
at the Capitol on Wednesday, including the role
that President Trump played in inciting the crowd.
-If Trump ever goes to prison, he's going to be really lonely,
since he pardoned all of his friends.
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of, Trump has suggested to aides
that he wants to pardon himself
in the final days of his presidency.
Some people are wondering
if Trump can even pardon himself, but don't worry.
Rudy Giuliani already has a bunch
of soaking wet documents to prove he can.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, a lot of experts are questioning
if this is legal, but Trump is like --
[ As Trump ] In that case, I'll just pardon myself
for pardoning myself.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, in light of this week's events,
Trump's Cabinet members are still stepping down.
Last night, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos
submitted her resignation.
Man, even Betsy DeVos is smart enough to get the hell out.
[ Laughter ]
Betsy told Trump, "Mr. President,
it was the best...
four years in my life."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Really wise.
Meanwhile, not all of Trump's Cabinet members
have abandoned him This afternoon,
Ben Carson was like,
[ Yawning ] "What'd I miss this week?"
[ Laughter ]
Say what?
There's so much going on in the news right now,
but it seems like not every network
is worried about the same thing. Watch this.
-CNN just learned that Betsy DeVos,
the Education secretary is resigning.
-Head of the Capitol Police is resigning,
as is the sergeant of arms of the House
and the sergeant of arms in the Senate.
-Let me just give a plug for Olive Garden.
[ Laughter ] I like Olive Garden.
-The mood inside the White House,
according to aides, they say staffers are appalled,
disgusted, and shocked.
-I like their their salad, unlimited,
[ Laughter ] unlimited garlic breadsticks
that are phenomenal.
-The whole incident raises a lot of questions
about police preparedness for the event.
-They got these hot, doughnut-like things
[ Laughter ] that you put like chocolate sauce with caramel on.
Great!
[ Laughter and applause ] -Yeah.
What?!
He loves it.
Let's switch gears.
I saw that Elon Musk just passed Jeff Bezos
as the richest person in the world.
Anyway, if you can, hit up Jeff's GoFundMe page
and let's help him get back to number 1.
[ Laughter ]
Even if you can spare one billion.
Any bit helps.
Some sports news.
The NFL playoffs begin this weekend,
with 14 teams chasing at a chance at the Super Bowl.
Seriously, after this week of news,
the NFL playoffs are going to feel like
watching "Antiques Roadshow."
[ Laughter ] And, finally, I saw that a cat
was recently rescued after it survived 11 days
in the ceiling of LaGuardia Airport.
[ Laughter ]
The cat was like, "Don't take me.
It's all-you-can-eat rats up here."
[ Laughter ]
It was quite a scene at LaGuardia.
Apparently, the cat was rescued, watched some of the news,
then ran right back up into the ceiling.
So the other night I was looking for something to watch
on, you know.
After the show, I went home
and so Tariq texted me, "You should check out" --
I go, "What should I watch?"
He goes, "James told me about this show,
'Gangs of London.'" -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] -Yeah. So I put it on.
That's the most violent show I've ever --
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah! -seen in my entire life. -It's crazy.
Yeah. -You can't watch that at nighttime.
[ Laughter ] -Yeah, sure you can, man.
-The first 30 seconds, the dude is throwing a guy
off the side of a building, then lights him on fire.
[ Laughter ] -Yeah.
For good measure. -Yeah, no, "for good measure."
No, I can't handle them.
My brain can't handle that at nighttime.
-What you do is you watch it, you watch a couple episodes,
and then you watch like "Bridgerton" or something,
like as a little palate cleanser
on your way before you go to sleep."
[ Laughter ] -That's what I did.
I, in fact, stopped the episode.
[ Laughter ] I watched "Bridgerton."
[ Laughter ] -Yeah. It's like
if "Boardwalk Empire" and "The Matrix" had a baby.
[ Laughter ] -It's insane!
-Yeah. It's crazy. -I made sure the kids were
in the room to watch it.
[ Laughter ]
"Look at this."
No, you know what? What I really did,
I watched "The Office" is on Peacock.
-Oh, yeah. -It left Netflix.
It's on Peacock. And I'm telling you,
that Peacock thing is good.
-Yeah. -I like it.
It's free. But they did a good job making that thing.
But I watched -- I've seen all the episodes, I think,
but I forget all of them, so I watched a couple of those.
And then I watched -- I saved it for the morning.
[ Laughter ]
-What episode -Dude, at one point --
-did you make it up to? -Oh, I only finished
the first episode. It's a lot for me. Oh, man,
it's just getting started.
-Dude, I was crying. I was afraid.
[ Laughter ] I called 911.
[ Laughter ] At one point, I was going to call you and go,
"What's wrong with you?"
I'm not kidding. He goes into a bar,
takes a dude's leg,
and breaks it sideways over the bar,
shoves a glass in his mouth
and takes his head and slams the dude's head into the bar.
[ Laughter ] -It's crazy!
-I go, "Okay, kids, get in here!
You're going to love this."
[ Laughter ]
I need my "Office" after that.
I need "Bridgerton." I need...
-Something, right?
-Oh, my gosh. Well, anyways, guys,
we have comedy and fun for you tonight.