-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for watching our show.
Let's get to some news.
Well, guys, earlier today President Biden was in Brussels
to meet with NATO leaders for an emergency summit on Russia.
When they voted on a resolution to condemn Putin,
30 leaders voted "yea," and one office plant voted "nyet."
[ Laughter ]
Anyone see that plant walk? -Yeah.
-Yeah, it was an emergency summit, but don't worry.
NATO leaders still had time for a family photo.
Here it is.
Yeah. [ Laughter ]
Looks like the sales team at a Honda dealership, doesn't it?
[ Laughter ]
I'm expecting them to all say together,
"We're ready to serve you."
[ Laughter ]
Can we see it again?
Yeah.
It's a very diverse group.
There are suits of every color.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, that's either a NATO summit or a conference for
"men who don't know what to do with their arms" photo.
[ Laughter ]
Can we see the photo just one more time?
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
There we go. [ Laughter ]
Kind of doing his own thing. -Yeah.
-Well, changing gears, this morning the "Today" show
investigated the dangers of the metaverse.
And they even sent one of their reporters in
to see what kind of activity goes on in there.
Let's see how that went.
-We wanted to see the concerns for ourselves,
so I put on a headset and entered the metaverse.
That blue robot is me.
There we entered a virtual strip club,
created and uploaded by another user.
-I am a reporter, yes, trying to understand the metaverse.
-[ High-pitched voice ] Oh, you should not have come in here.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, boy.
[ Laughter ]
-Amazing!
Billions spent on technology so a cartoon weasel
can kick you out of a fake strip club.
[ Laughter ]
[ High-pitched voice ] You should not have come in here.
Oh, no.
Put your hands together for Cinnamon, everybody.
[ Normal voice ] Some business news -- due to a shortage of
ingredients, General Mills is struggling to supply
grocery stores with Totino's Pizza Rolls
and Pillsbury Cookie Dough.
[ Audience ohs ] -Oh.
-It's serious. As soon as he heard, Biden
called NATO back for another emergency summit.
[ Laughter ]
Honestly, when I heard there was a T.P. shortage,
I wasn't thinking Totino's Pizza.
[ Laughter ]
Right now General Mills is like,
"Hey, but we still have plenty of Fiber One bars.
Hello? Anyone?
Anyone want to gnaw on a Fiber One bar?"
[ Laughter ]
One vote said, "Nyet." One office plant said, "Nyet."
-It was a spy. It was a Russian spy, is what you're saying.
-What's that? -It was a Russian spy
in that plant. -Oh, is that correct?
-Yeah, that's what it was. That's why it said, "Nyet."
-Oh, so you're saying it's "30 world leaders said yes."
And then one office plant said --
-"Nyet," which is "no" in Russian.
-Yeah, and it was -- But a plant --
-So you're implying that it was a spy in that plant.
That's what makes it so humorous.
That's what I love about it.
[ Laughter ]
Topical.
-Yep, it is.
Hey, this is big though, guys.
Yesterday CEOs of every major U.S. airline called on
President Biden to drop the federal mask mandate.
-Ooh. [ Applause ]
-Each airline actually released its own statement about it.
Take a look. American Airlines said,
"We've complied with the mask mandate long enough."
United said, "It's time for a return to normalcy."
Spirit Airlines said, "Wait, there was a mask mandate?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
And Delta said, "We believe vaccine numbers are high enough
to drop the mask policy."
Then Spirit said, "Does duct tape count as a mask?
'Cause if so, we've been masking tons of people."
[ Laughter ]
JetBlue said, "We look forward to seeing our passengers'
smiling faces again."
And finally, Spirit said, "Passengers can smile?
Oh, now I've heard everything."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Pretty out of the loop, I don't know.
Hey, get this, I saw that Uber has reached a deal
to list all New York City taxis on its app.
And this makes sense -- they hashed out the deal
by screaming at each other through open car windows.
"You want to sign the deal? You sign it!"
You can't park there! Sign the deal! You" --
[ Laughter ]
Hey, here's some good news. I read that as kids
return to the classroom, their test scores are going up.
It's a really nice way of saying we all failed at homeschooling.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, first graders are already coming home like,
[English accent] "Mother, father, your homeschooling
efforts were rather deficient."
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] I heard a new report about
where people like to eat food in their house.
And the results might surprise you. Check it out.
-According to a new survey in the U.K.,
more than one in five people say they snack in the bathroom.
18% confessed they enjoy their treats on the toilet.
-No! -What?!
-You know what?
Just take me back to the metaverse.
I think I like that.
[ High-pitched voice ] "Welcome back, Mr. Fallon.
Here's 70 Jimmy bucks for you to make it rain."
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] Finally, researchers say that they're
getting closer to producing the first ever
birth control pill for men. -Ooh.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
-That's better than the original form of male birth control --
dress socks with sandals.