WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IN TONIGHT'S SHOW, FOR TONIGHT'S
SHOW, JUST FAIR WARNING, CARDS ON THE TABLE, YOU MIGHT NOTICE
I'M GOING TO BE MOVING A LITTLE GINGERLY THIS EVENING.
THIS WEEKEND I THREW MY BACK OUT EXERCISING.
I'M AGAINST IT.
HAPPY DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN, EVERYBODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: IT WAS A NICE
HALLOWEEN.
>> Stephen: SOMETIMES KNOWN AS THE DAY TO HAVE THE DEAD, ALL
SAINTS DAY, ALSO KNOWN AS WHERE AM I GOING TO STORE A 12-FOOT
SKELETON DAY.
NOW, I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW, BY THE WAY, THE DOG IN THE COLD
OPEN, HE'S FINE.
HE'S GONE TO FIGHT FIRES AT A FARM UPSTATE.
HE'S ABSOLUTELY GOING TO BE FINE.
NOW, DESPITE MY BACK, I HAD A GREAT HALLOWEEN AFTER LAST
YEAR'S HALLOWEEN LOCKDOWN.
IT WAS REALLY NICE TO HAVE REGULAR TRICK OR TREATERS COME
TO THE DOOR THIS YEAR.
ISN'T THAT LOVELY?
>> LITTLE KIDDOS CAME BY.
>> Stephen: YOU HAD SOME COME BY?
I LOVED SEEING THE GHOSTS, GHOULIES, PRINCESSES AND
PRINCES, FIVE-YEAR-OLD SPIDER-MAN WITH DISTURBING
MUSCLE DEFINITION.
I LOVED GIVING OUT CANDY BUT THERE ARE PROTOCOL ISSUES LAST
NIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAD THIS EXPERIENCE, I OPENED THE DOOR,
AND THE KIDS WOULD JUST SAY, HI!
WHICH WAS NICE, THEY'RE BEING FRIENDLY.
AND I WOULD SAY, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
AND THEY'D GO -- PLEASE?
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A SIMPLE CONTRACT.
IT'S NOT COMPLICATED.
KIDS, IT'S A SIMPLE CONTRACT, AND YOU WIN EVERY NEGOTIATION,
YOU'VE JUST GOT TO SAY TRICK OR TREAT AND YOU GET CANDY,
HALLOWEEN.
YOU SAY TRICK-OR-TREAT, I DON'T GIVE YOU CANDY, LEGALLY YOU
GET TO BURN MY HOUSE DOWN.
IT'S IN THE FINE PRINT ON THE BACK OF A MILKY WAY BAR.
APPARENTLY, NOT EVERYONE WAS IN THE OOKY-SPOOKY HOLIDAY SPIRIT.
TAKE BILLIONAIRE AND "SQUID GAME" SEASON TICKET HOLDER, JEFF
BEZOS.
( LAUGHTER ) LAST NIGHT IN D.C., A GROUP OF
TRICK-OR-TREATERS DECIDED TO HIT UP BEZOS' MANSION, "ONLY TO BE
TOLD BY A MAN ON AN INTERCOM THAT THEY WERE "NOT
PARTICIPATING IN HALLOWEEN."
( BOOING ) WOW!
NOT PARTICIPATING IN HALLOWEEN?
THEN WHY DID HE SPEND ALL YEAR COSTUMED AS PANIC PETE THE
SQUEEZE TOY?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MAYBE THE BEZOS HOUSE WASN'T DOING HALLOWEEN BECAUSE JEFF
WASN'T HOME.
HE'S OVERSEAS, CELEBRATING BILL GATES' 66TH BIRTHDAY PARTY IN
A SECLUDED TURKISH COVE.
BEZOS DIDN'T GET GATES A GIFT, BUT HE DID GIVE HIM THIS CARD:
"YOU'RE TURNING 66!
NOT PARTICIPATING IN YOUR BIRTHDAY."
( LAUGHTER ) GATES HAS GOTTEN A LOT OF
CRITICISM FOR THIS PARTY, BECAUSE WHILE HE'S BEEN A BIG
PROPONENT OF ENVIRONMENTAL ACTION, HE STILL TRANSPORTED HIS
50 GUESTS BY HELICOPTER FROM HIS $2 MILLION-A-WEEK RENTAL YACHT
"LANA."
BUT KEEP IN MIND, ON THE HELICOPTER THEY USED PAPER
STRAWS, SO...
( LAUGHTER ) ALL WASHES OUT IN THE END.
BEZOS STAYED ON HIS OWN YACHT, WHICH HE FLEW BACK AND FORTH TO
IN HIS PRIVATE HELICOPTER.
WE ACTUALLY HAVE A PICTURE OF BEZOS' HELICOPTER.
THERE YOU GO.
( APPLAUSE ) PRESIDENT BIDEN WAS ALSO ABROAD
THIS WEEKEND ON A EUROPEAN TOUR.
HE GOT EXCITED TO GO AFTER HE SAW ONE OF THOSE VIKING RIVER
CRUISE COMMERCIALS.
BIDEN'S FIRST STOP WAS THE VATICAN, WHERE HE MET WITH
SUPREME PONTIFF POPE FRANCIS, SEEN HERE ON HOLD WITH THE HOLY
CABLE PROVIDER.
BIDEN HAS GOTTEN FLACK FROM RIGHT-WING CATHOLIC BISHOPS FOR
BEING PRO-CHOICE, BUT DURING THE MEETING, THE POPE SAID HE SHOULD
KEEP RECEIVING COMMUNION, AND CALLED BIDEN "A GOOD CATHOLIC."
THAT'S LEGIT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S LEGIT.
THAT'S THE STAMP OF APPROVAL RIGHT THERE.
THE POPE TELLING YOU YOU'RE A GOOD CATHOLIC IS LIKE A BEAR
TELLING YOU YOU'RE GOOD AT POOPING IN THE WOODS.
( LAUGHTER ) NICELY DONE.
NICE GROUPING.
MUCH OF BIDEN'S VISIT WAS CONFIDENTIAL, BUT PARTS WERE
BROADCAST ON VATICAN TELEVISION HOME OF HIT SHOWS LIKE "SAY YES
TO THE VESTMENT," "THE PRODIGAL BROTHERS," AND "BOB COVETS
ABISHOLA."
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN IT WAS TIME TO SAY GOODBYE,
THE PRESIDENT HAD A MESSAGE FOR THE HOLY FATHER.
>> GOD LOVE YOU.
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH.
YEAH, HE DOES.
PRETTY SURE THAT'S THE PAPAL JOB DESCRIPTION ON LINKEDIN.
"GOD LOVE YOU.
MUST BE GOOD WITH CROWDS, SOME LATIN REQUIRED.
5-10 YEARS WAVING EXPERIENCE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AFTER BREAKING BREAD WITH HIS
HOLINESS, BIDEN STAYED IN ROME TO MEET WITH LEADERS FROM THE
WORLD'S TOP TWENTY ECONOMIES IN THIS YEAR'S G-20, WHICH WAS
THEIR FIRST IN-PERSON SUMMIT SINCE THE PANDEMIC.
THE FIRST TIME YOU SEE PEOPLE IN PERSON POST-PANDEMIC IS ALWAYS
AWKWARD.
IT EXPLAINS THE G-20 ITINERARY: SEE ANOTHER WORLD LEADER
APPROACHING, WONDER IF THEY'RE GOING FOR A HANDSHAKE, NOTICE
THAT THEY'RE ACTUALLY COMING IN FOR A HUG, HUG THEM, ONLY TO
REALIZE THAT MAYBE THEY WEREN'T, AND YOU JUST MADE IT
AWKWARD, CALL OUT THE FACT THAT YOU MADE IT AWKWARD AND JOKE
ABOUT HOW YOU'VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO INTERACT WITH OTHER HUMANS
SOLVE CLIMATE CHANGE?
( APPLAUSE ) YOU DON'T KNOW.
YOU DON'T KNOW.
CLIMATE CHANGE WAS ONE OF THE MAIN THINGS ON THE AGENDA, AND
THE G-20 LEADERS TOOK A BOLD STAND, PLEDGING TO ACHIEVE
GLOBAL NET ZERO GREENHOUSE GAS EMISSIONS BY OR AROUND
MID-CENTURY.
THAT DOESN'T SOUND VERY URGENT.
IT'S LIKE CALLING 9-1-1 AND HAVING THE OPERATOR TELL
YOU THE E.M.T.S WILL BE THERE SOMETIME BETWEEN THE HOURS OF
NOON AND THE FUNERAL.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, SAD.
SAD STORY, ISN'T IT?
THE SUMMIT WRAPPED UP WITH A GROUP OF LEADERS SYMBOLICALLY
TOSSING COINS INTO ROME'S TREVI FOUNTAIN.
NOT A GOOD SIGN WHEN GLOBAL COOPERATION HAS REACHED THE
STAGE OF "WISH."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YESTERDAY, THE PRESIDENT HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE TO REFLECT ON
THE WEEKEND, AND HE STARTED IT THE MOST JOE BIDEN WAY POSSIBLE:
>> PLEASE SIT DOWN.
I APOLOGIZE FOR KEEPING YOU WAITING.
WE WERE, UH, PLAYING WITH ELEVATORS.
( LAUGHS ) LONG STORY.
>> STEPHEN: (AS BIDEN) "YEAH, JACK, WE WERE PLAYING THE
ELEVATOR GAME: THE ONE WHERE YOU SEE SOMEONE COMING, SO YOU GO TO
PRESS 'DOOR OPEN' BUT HIT THE DOOR CLOSE, YOU PANIC AND TRY TO
PRESS THE 'DOOR OPEN' AGAIN AD ACCIDENTALLY HIT THE ALARM BELL
AND NOW YOU'RE TALKING WITH THE FIREMAN IN THE TALK BOX.
LEARN ALL THE CURSE WORDS IN ITALIAN.
YOU'VE GOT A BEAUTIFUL LANGUAGE, GIACAMO.
TOLD YOU IT WAS A LONG STORY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) A REPORTER ASKED BIDEN ABOUT HIS
LOW APPROVAL RATING, AND HE SHRUGGED IT OFF:
>> THE POLLS ARE GOING TO GO UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN.
>> STEPHEN: PRETTY ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF HIS POLLS.
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, A PRETTY ACCURATE
DESCRIPTION OF HIS ELEVATOR GAME.
( LAUGHTER ) FROM ITALY, BIDEN FLEW TO
GLASGOW FOR THE U.N. CLIMATE CONFERENCE KNOWN AS COP26.
IN HONOR OF THE 26TH YEAR THEY COP OUT OF DOING ANYTHING ABOUT
CLIMATE CHANGE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE STAKES ARE SUPER HIGH FOR
THE PLANET, SO MUCH SO THAT YOUNG ACTIVISTS ARE CALLING
COP26 THE "LAST CHANCE FOR HUMANITY."
NARROWLY BEATING OUT OTHER CHEERY NAMES LIKE "HOPE YOU CAN
SWIM," "WHY HAVE KIDS?," AND-- (LONG SIGH)
THE CONFERENCE IS BEING HOSTED BY BRITISH PRIME MINISTER AND
"SESAME STREET" MUPPET LEARNING THAT SNACKS ARE EVEN BETTER WHEN
YOU SHARE, BORIS JOHNSON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> FRIENDLY.
VERY FRIENDLY.
>> Stephen: JOHNSON OPENED WITH A CINEMATIC METAPHOR.
>> WELCOME TO GLASGOW.
AND TO SCOTLAND, WHOSE MOST GLOBALLY FAMOUS FICTIONAL SON IS
ALMOST CERTAINLY A MAN CALLED JAMES BOND.
WHO GENERALLY COMES TO THE CLIMAX OF THESE HIGHLY LUCRATIVE
FILMS STRAPPED TO A DOOMSDAY DEVICE, DESPERATELY TRYING TO
WORK OUT WHICH COLORED WIRE TO PULL TO TURN IT OFF, WHILE A RED
DIGITAL CLOCK TICKS DOWN REMORSELESSLY TO A DETONATION
THAT WILL END HUMAN LIFE AS WE KNOW IT, AND WE ARE IN ROUGHLY
THE SAME POSITION, MY FELLOW GLOBAL LEADERS, AS JAMES
BOND.
>> IT'S ONE MINUTE TO MIDNIGHT ON THAT DOOMSDAY CLOCK AND WE
NEED TO ACT NOW.
>> Stephen: WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS AT MIDNIGHT.
THE SPELL WEARS OFF AND I TURN BACK INTO A PILE OF HAY.
( LAUGHTER ) WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS A HUMA ABEDIN AND DAVID BYRNE.
WHEN WE COME BACK, RELATIONSHIPS.