Hi, Matt.
Hi.
How's it going?
All right.
Good.
Hello.
Last time--
[LAUGHTER]
Last time we talked about pap--
The segment nobody asked to come back.
But here we are.
I asked to come back.
It's entertaining, cause you have strong opinions.
Yeah.
We talked about paper towels last time.
You have strong opinions.
Yeah.
Bounty sent me paper towels.
Thank you, Bounty.
Yeah.
We need to start talking about Rolexes.
[LAUGHTER]
All right.
Today we're going to cover a number of topics.
One, I understand you have strong opinions
about ringtones on phones.
[SIGHS]
OK.
Tell me what's--
I hate any kind of phone noise, any kind of ringtone.
I don't like a regular ringtone.
I don't want to hear you typing.
I don't live in your house.
I don't want to hear your phone ring.
And inevitably, what happens, someone's phone rings,
and everybody's like, was that my phone?
Is that my phone?
Everybody's checking their phones.
People try to get cute.
They try to make it like, oh, the little closet door, ree,
ree, ree.
Or the foghorn.
Rah, rah.
No.
I don't want to hear any of it.
My mother has a different ringtone
for everything, her phone, her texts, her calendar alerts.
It's like a circus is going off in her pants.
No.
[LAUGHTER]
I hate it.
I don't want to hear it.
Actually, that sounds fun to have a circus in your pants.
Just put it on vibrate.
Vibrate.
Or silent.
Do I miss calls?
Sure.
But I don't want to hear it.
That's what you do?
You keep it on vibrate?
Yes.
Vibrate.
Always.
Is it because you just like the way it feels in your pants?
[LAUGHTER]
It doesn't hurt.
All right.
[APPLAUSE]
Next subject.
Yes.
Pillows.
OK.
Like throw pillows or pillows on your bed?
No.
There are some decorative ones.
But no, to sleep with every night I need at least five.
Six would be preferable.
I'll take five.
Wait.
How do you have room for your husband?
Well, so this is what happens.
[LAUGHTER]
I get one pillow that I sleep on.
Right.
I like two that I can lay on my side and hold.
One between my knees.
Uh-huh.
And I don't want to feel his bony elbows on my back.
So I put one right between us.
[LAUGHTER]
It's a very romantic situation.
Wow.
I like to sleep with--
I understand-- three.
If I'm sleeping by myself, I have one behind my head
and one on each side so I don't have to take one
with me onto the other side.
So three is ideal.
Now, what happens if you're at a hotel and you don't have--
Ugh.
Oh.
First of all, at the hotel, they have two pillows.
That's not going to work.
And then those thin pillows I hate.
So I'll call up, can I have some more pillows?
Well, how many?
I don't know.
Six.
I need more pillows.
OK.
[LAUGHTER]
This is a big one for you.
I know that.
Salad bars.
OK.
I love a salad bar.
I have been making beautiful salads for a very long time.
My salads are a work of art.
People inevitably say, that is a beautiful salad.
I know.
But it used to be a salad, you go.
And there's like a small container, a large container.
You put whatever you want in there.
And it was a price.
And now they're weighing your salad.
Don't weigh my salad.
How much my salad weighs is none of your business.
Because I like the heavy things.
I like big cherry tomatoes.
When they weigh it it's always the bigger things.
Bigger tomatoes, carrots, cucumbers, all these big things
I want on my salad.
By the time you get around to approaching the dressing,
that's a heavy salad.
So then you're walking up to the scale at the dresser
like you're at the doctor's office.
And I'm like, oh, God.
What if I take the lid off, or take my belt off?
I just don't want it to weigh so much.
And it's annoying.
They're like, $20.
I'm like, I could have bought a cheeseburger for that.
And what is jicama?
It's good for you.
It's stupid.
Tastes like nothing.
I know.
But it's got to be good for you.
What does it look like?
What does a jicama look like?
I don't know the outside.
No one's ever seen it.
Cause we've never seen the outside of a jicama.
We've only seen the cut inside.
I didn't grow up with jicama.
I never heard of jicama.
All of a sudden, jicama at salad bars.
I like hearing you say jicama, though.
Jicama.
Salad Bar is a good name for a club in West Hollywood,
isn't it?
Yeah.
Add a couple words, but yeah.
I'm not going to say that.
All right.
OK.
All right.
I love learning new things about you.
Do you have a strong opinion whether we
should move on from this?
Oh, yes.
We should definitely move on.
We should end this?
For everyone's sake.
All right.
Let's watch this dancer of the day then.
Thank you, Matt.
Thank you.