WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE ARE JUST DAYS AWAY FROM
DONALD TRUMP'S SUMMIT WITH KIM JONG UN.
IT'S TRULY HISTORIC.
THE STAKES ARE ALMOST AS HIGH AS TRUMP'S AND KIM'S CHOLESTEROL.
THEY'RE CALLING IT "THE LIPITOR IN SINGAPORE."
QUICK REMINDER: THE FALLOUT OF THIS MEETING COULD BE ACTUAL
FALLOUT.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT DON'T WORRY, AS TRUMP
EXPLAINED DURING A JOINT PRESS CONFERENCE WITH JAPANESE PRIME
MINISTER SHINZO ABE, HE IS PRIMED AND READY.
>> I THINK I'M VERY WELL PREPARED.
I DON'T THINK I HAVE TO PREPARE VERY MUCH.
IT'S ABOUT ATTITUDE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YES.
YES.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO PREPARE.
COMPLEX DIPLOMACY WITH AN INTERNATIONAL ADVERSARY HAS
ALWAYS BEEN ABOUT 'TUDE.
WHO CAN FORGET REAGAN'S FAMOUS WORDS:
>> MR. GORBACHEV, HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW!
TALK TO THE HAND, BITCH.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THAT'S GOING TO BE
FINE, OBVIOUSLY.
GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE, MELANIA TRUMP WAS SEEN IN PUBLIC
YESTERDAY.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YEAH, WE LOVE HER.
SHE ALSO SAW HER SHADOW.
THAT MEANS SIX MORE -- ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THAT MEANS AT LEAST SIX MORE
WEEKS OF MARRIAGE.
( LAUGHTER ) YESTERDAY SHE AND THE PRESIDENT
MET WITH FEMA OFFICIALS TO DISCUSS HURRICANE PREPAREDNESS,
WHICH IS APPROPRIATE BECAUSE SHE DISAPPEARED AFTER A STORMY.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( PIANO RIFF )
AND THE PRESIDENT STARTED THE MEETING BY WELCOMING HER BACK.
>> WE HAVE TO START WITH OUR GREAT FIRST LADY, MELANIA.
THANK YOU, MELANIA.
SHE'S DOING GREAT.
(APPLAUSE) >> STEPHEN: WOW.
MUST BE NICE TO GET APPLAUSE JUST FOR SHOWING UP FOR WORK.
AM I RIGHT?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
IT WAS A VERY SHORT MEETING ABOUT HURRICANES, AND IT WAS NOT
ABOUT HURRICANES.
HE STARTED OFF BY BRAGGING: >> WE SAVED $1.6 BILLION ON AIR
FORCE ONE... CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
I GOT INVOLVED IN THE NEGOTIATIONS.
THE PRESS REFUSES TO REPORT THAT, BUT THAT'S OKAY.
PEOPLE WERE REALLY SURPRISED.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: YOU KNOW WHO WAS
SUPER-SURPRISED?
THE PEOPLE AT THE PENTAGON, WHO HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO EXPLAIN
WHERE TRUMP GOT SUCH A FIGURE.
( LAUGHTER ) WHERE WOULD HE HAVE GOTTEN THAT
FIGURE?
HUH...
HAS ANYONE CHECKED HIS BUTT?
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Jon: OH!
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: JUST TAKING A CORE
SAMPLE.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP ALSO BRAGGED ABOUT HIS
CABINET, SAYING, "I UNDERSTAND A BIG STORY IS BEING DONE IN A
MAJOR NEWSPAPER TALKING ABOUT WHAT A GREAT CABINET THIS IS."
BUT HE DIDN'T SPECIFY THE OUTLET.
OUR CRACK RESEARCH TEAM FOUND THE
PUBLICATION PRAISING THE CABINET.
IT'S THE IKEA CATALOG.
( LAUGHTER ) SO GOOD.
SO GOOD.
( PIANO RIFF ) ABSOLUTELY.
WITH EVERYTHING GOING ON IN OUR BUSY LIVES, EVERY ONCE IN A
WHILE IT'S GOOD TO TAKE A MOMENT TO STOP AND REMEMBER
HEY, OUR PRESIDENT HAD SEX WITH A PORN STAR.
( LAUGHTER ) WHICH BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S
"STORMY WATCH."
♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE ALL KNOW THAT STORMY IS REPRESENTED BY LAWYER AND CABLE
NEWS-BASED LIFE FORM, MICHAEL AVENATTI, BUT BEFORE SHE HAD
-- OH, GUESS WHAT?
YOU PROBABLY DON'T KNOW THIS.
NEXT WEEK AVENATTI IS GOING TO BE ON HERE WITH THE MOOCH.
THEY'RE GOING TO BE ON TOGETHER.
THEY WANT THEIR OWN SHOW.
THEY WANT TO HAVE, LIKE, AN AVENATTI-MOOCH SHOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHO'S GOING TO DO THAT SHOW.
I DON'T KNOW.
SO IT'S GOING TO BE US NEXT WEEK, AND WE'RE GOING TO SOLVE
SOME PROBLEMS.
WE'RE GOING TO TOY WITH THE PROBLEMS OF THE UNIVERSE WITH
AVENATTI AND MOOCH.
SET YOUR DIAL.
( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU STILL HAVE A DIAL, GET A
NEW TV.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
BUT BEFORE STORMY DANIELS HAD AVENATTI, SHE HAD A DIFFERENT
LAWYER NAMED KEITH DAVIDSON WHO NEGOTIATED HER $130,000 HUSH
PAYMENT.
NOW, SHE'S SUING HIM, CLAIMING HE WAS A PUPPET FOR PRESIDENT
TRUMP.
MAKING HIM THE THIRD PUPPET TO WORK FOR TRUMP, AFTER WILBUR
ROSS AND HIS BUDDY WALDORF.
( LAUGHTER ) I LOVE THOSE GUYS.
I LOVE THOSE GUYS.
ACCORDING TO THE LAWSUIT, THE WHOLE TIME THAT DAVIDSON CLAIMED
TO BE REPRESENTING THE INTERESTS OF STORMY DANIELS, HE WAS
SECRETLY WORKING WITH TRUMP ATTORNEY MICHAEL COHEN.
WOW!
TWO-TIMING HER!
WHICH IS ALSO THE NAME OF A PRETTY GOOD STORMY DANIELS
MOVIE.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M BEING TOLD THAT'S RIGHT.
DON'T BOO THE TRUTH.
( LAUGHTER ) THE LAWSUIT ALSO ALLEGES THAT IN
MARCH, DAVIDSON TIPPED OFF COHEN THAT STORMY WAS CHANGING LAWYERS
AND THEY WERE GONNA TRY TO GET OUT OF THE N.D.A.
SO COHEN FLEW DOWN TO MAR-A-LAGO TO QUICKLY MEET WITH MELANIA
TRUMP TO CONVINCE HER THAT STORMY DANIELS WAS A LIAR, AND
NOT TO BE TRUSTED.
THEN, OUT OF HABIT, HE GAVE HER $130-GRAND TO KEEP QUIET ABOUT
IT.
( LAUGHTER ) HURRICANE STORMY HAS ALSO MADE
LANDFALL IN ISRAEL, THANKS TO A VISIT FROM TRUMP LAWYER AND
PHANTOM OF THE FLAT SCREEN, RUDY GIULIANI.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) RUDY APPEARED AT A CONFERENCE,
AND I HAVE TO WARN YOU, THE AUDIO ON THIS CLIP IS NOT GREAT.
AND NEITHER IS THE VIDEO, BECAUSE IT'S OF RUDY GIULIANI
( LAUGHTER ) HE WAS ASKED ABOUT THE STORMY
DANIELS ALLEGATIONS.
>> OH, A VERY, VERY CREDIBLE SOURCE.
STORMY, STORMY, THE PORN STAR.
YOU KNOW EVERY PORN PERSON CAN'T BE A STAR.
I NEVER HEARD OF HER BEFORE.
NOW, I DON'T REALLY LOOK AT PORN.
PLEASE GET THAT DOWN.
( LAUGHTER ) ME THINKS THE MAYOR MIGHT BE
PROTESTING A LITTLE TOO MUCH.
"I DON'T WATCH PORN. I DON'T KNOW WHO STORMY DANIELS IS.
I DON'T KNOW THE WORK OF SASHA GREY OR JENNA JAMESON, AND I
CERTAINLY DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE 2005 EPIC "PIRATES
XXX" STARRING TOMMY GUNN AS CAPTAIN RANDALL THRUST.
PLEASE GET THAT DOWN."
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S T-R---
( PIANO RIFF ) THEN, GIULIANI WAS ASKED HOW THE
ALLEGATIONS AFFECTED THE FIRST LADY.
>> SHE BELIEVES IN HER HUSBAND.
SHE KNOWS IT'S NOT TRUE.
I DON'T EVEN THINK THERE'S A SLIGHT SUSPICION THAT IT'S TRUE
WHEN YOU -- EXCUSE ME -- WHEN YOU LOOK AT STORMY DANIELS.
I KNOW DONALD TRUMP.
LOOK AT HIS THREE WIVES, RIGHT?
BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, CLASSY WOMEN WOMEN OF GREAT SUBSTANCE, STORMY
DANIELS?
PFFT.
>> STEPHEN: WOW.
I KNOW STORMY IS AN ADULT FILM STAR, BUT GIULIANI MIGHT BE THE
BIGGEST (BLEEP) SHE'S EVER SEEN.
UNPLEASANT PERSON.
PLEASE.
UNPLEASANT PERSON.
WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?
THE MODERATOR TRIED TO MODERATE THE FORMER MAYOR, BUT HE WAS
HAVING NO PART OF IT.
>> WE HAVE TO RESPECT ON THIS STAGE OF WOMEN.
I'M SORRY, I DON'T RESPECT A PORN STAR THE WAY I RESPECT A
CAREER WOMAN.
>> STEPHEN: WRONG, RUDY.
STORMY IS A CAREER WOMAN.
SHE'S A DIRECTOR, PRODUCER, AND ACTOR.
PLUS, SHE'S BEEN A NURSE, A SECRETARY, AND A LONELY
STEP-MOM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY?
VERY LONELY.
SAD.
SAD, REALLY.
THEN RUDY WEIGHED IN ON WHY KIM JONG UN CAME BACK TO THE
NEGOTIATION TABLE.
>> WE SAID, "WELL, WE'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE A SUMMIT UNDER
THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES."
WELL, KIM JONG-UN GOT BACK ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES AND BEGGED
FOR IT, WHICH IS EXACTLY THE POSITION YOU WANT TO PUT HIM IN.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: RUDY, ARE YOU SURE
YOU DON'T WATCH PORN?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
RUDY CLEARLY HAD A GREAT TIME IN ISRAEL, AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THIS
FOOTAGE OF HIM IN A RESTAURANT, WAVING A NAPKIN OVER HIS HEAD.
HE'S EITHER DANCING OR SIGNALING ROBERT MUELLER THAT THEY'RE
READY TO SURRENDER.