Oh shit.
AH FUCK!
oh god... Oh, fuck!
What up?
It's ya boiii...
SKINNY PENIS
*Bloop* Hello, everybody! My name is Markiplier and
welcome back to an old classic,
"Turbo Dismount."
I don't know what compelled me to play this game today
I saw it in my list, way way way down, and I was like
"Man, I haven't played this in... in ages"
so I was like, "Yeah, oh, fuck it. I'll... I'll play"
Highway Rampage, Insane?
Let's try that one.
Oh yeah!
Oh, I remember you!
Oh, I re- wait where's my freaking face?
There I am!
Alright, what am I supposed to do?
All right, I don't even remember obstacles there are.
Loot box?!
Well fuck yeah, give me some loot box!
I don't even know what that does.
I'm gonna buy a bunch.
H-oh my god
What is that? *Laughing*
What is- oh!
Oh no, that's- oh that- that's a jawbone
That... tha-
That's not right.
Pose.
Okay alright why's my bobblehea-
*Laughing*
Why's my bobblehead all fucky?
Hey how's it going friend?
Alright, no.
*Laughing*
No, all right. Let's go with that one
(Quietly) Here we... here we fucking go, I gue- I guess...
Oh, I can ste-
Where- where am I going? Wait no, come back, please
I- oh
Oh no
I forget how to play I wasn't steering correctly
and then the camera just went away.
Oh, there I am.
Oh, I was fine!
Yeah, I'm fine. Everyone else is just a fucking idiot.
Whatever let's try this again.
Here we go, I gotta use the arrow keys to stee-
That didn't work at all! *giggles*
Wheeee!
Okay?
The fuck's the point- oh no
Why am I playing this game again?
*Laughing*
What was the appeal of this game again?
Just a lot of... death explosions?
That was it, pretty much, for the most part...
Lets try a different level here, hang on
I don't want one that I have to steer
I want to do minimal work possible.
Impossible! Great.
Oh, this is a classic!
Oh, it's beautiful. Oh, perfect.
Go, baby, go
Oh, I thought that was a- ah, shit! *Laughing*
I remember.
I remember the appeal this game. *Laughing*
Mrs. Bumble Bee?
Alright, where's Mr. Bumble Bee?
Alright, a little eager, but that's alri-
Wha- *Laughing*
I remember the appeal of this game, I remember.
Zoom in on dat ass? Oh, *laughing* you're welcome.
Let's go straight down the middle here.
Shoop! Oh, half speed.
Well... Okay, we're already drifting.
I think we're gonna make it.
Mrs. Bumble Bee...
*Laughing*
My head!
NO! *Laughing*
Mr. Reach? Oh, that's not right-
Hey, I'm tall! *laughing* Hey guys, I'm tall!
Guys I'm tall!
Ooh, that's... alright? Okay-
Why? *Laughing*
Present thy ass to thine own destruction. I understand...
I understand the desire, and I understand the appeal.
Aaand, nailed it- *splapoosh* ouhhhuh shit
My head just is so easily detached,
and I feel like that's wrong.
I wanna see what Mister- oof...
Oof, that's scary. *giggles*
That's a good one- wait, no! This one's strategic.
I like it. It's very strategic. I'm like a fucking spider!
Ah, fer- full speed, baby!
Ain't gonna get me- *crashes*
Eh, shit-
Wait- Hey, hey! I'm alive!
Not really, oh wait (same, Mark)
*chuckles* The leg... that's a problem-
*Gigglyplier*
Turbo pad, plus... a ramp, to get us over this...
*burps* Let's do it!
Go!
Whoosh!
Oh shit, sick flip dude.
Hey, I get points for flippi— uh-oh.
OH
alright well... there I go...
Oh *giggles*
shit... huh
New High Score!
[Echoey] NEW HIGH SCORE BABY!!!
Old Creaky! *Mark is choking on laughter*
*barely audible through the laughter* I just, ah-j... I just dunno what I was expecting.
I wasn't expecting Old Creaky
hehehehhehe
Ah... Oh, look, its- it's true to-
*more laughing*
It's my actual size, guys. It's my actual si-
*Laughing*
WheEeEe!
Ooh, I like when it pumps up and down on my butt-
Oh- *Gigglyplier, The Return*
Shit...
Well, that didn't work out.
Look, I'm just gonna say it.
I don't think old creaky...
I don't think we're built... for old creaky
I don't- I- 'cause...
It seems to have a...
an absolute phobia of getting IN a cart,
so there's no protection offered...
I-It doesn't work.
Mr. Dis-? Mm, that's...
It's a little better very caj
Ah, so let's try this one le- so we can actually be in it...
to win it.
Oh, come on, Old Creaky.
Let's go...
Let's fucking go!
Fuck
Ow *giggles*
Old Creaky- Nyeh, Old Creaky ain't doing so good.
I fucking love old creaky, but...
I want to go loco- uh, Mr. Reach...
You've just got bad choices.
Just, your choices are... wrong. (Ya don't think Mark?)
Ah, I don't want to call you an idiot,
but you're fucking it-
ahw...
my god *laughing*
Eh, gotta go through this one.
Whee!
Oh boy, we're go- going-
*Markimoo noises*
Bw- ohhh 'kay, well-
abdibwjh
Oh, hohohoho-ho-hohoho
*dies of silent laughter*
*gathers his breath*
Eh, heheh
I gotta see that one in *still laughing* slow motion.
Alright, wai-wai-wait...
Wait- hang on, let's see...
Alright
TOOO- *too busy laughing to finish saying "toot"*
I didn' know it tooted-
*more silent laughter*
I didn't know the train tooted.
Ohhhh *stuttering, trying to recover from laughter*
Oh, nailed it. Alright, I'm tjh-fine...
Buh- I'm *giggles* fine, apparently.
What hit me then?
Oh, that one-
*laughs*
Wait, come back! Baby, come back!
You can blame it all... on... meeee
Oh, into the tunnel.
*giggling* You've got places to be.
Markiplier's got places to be.
He's off... he's off to the races there.
All right, well... whatever.
I didn't know it tooted.
That's so good.
*train toots*
WOOOO!
*what a beautiful laugh!(Sounds like bacon sizziling)*
Oh, shi- *still laughing*
Oh, no...
Oh, n- Well, let's toot-toot into this thing...
Toot toot, motherfucker, here we go.
Let's giddy audieu girl. [Let's go?]
TOOOOOOT
*crunch*
Where did I go?
Okay, we're fine.
They missed me, missed me, missed me...
Missed me- *cronch*
Owww
Well, that's boring.
Be exciting- *trails off into laughter*
Hey! Po- I gotta poke it with a stick.
Hey, do something funny.
Hey, come on, do something funny.
Hey, you. Come on, do something funny
What are you gonna do? Don't stare at me like-
TOOOT
*many giggles*
Eh, I love the toot!
*laughing all the way* Owww, my head! Come back!
Eh, this looks like a fucking toddler, *giggles* just like...
*Markimoo noises*
Where are we going today, boss?
TOOOOOT
*crunch*
Where did I go?
What happened to me?
Ohhh boy, I'm gonna get stuck again-
*cronch*
Oww *giggles*
Fuck you *more giggles*
*suddenly explodes*
OWWW, FUCK YOUUU!!!
Ummm, Turbine Ride.
That's probably fine.
Alright, let's do this.
Toot toot, motherfucker.
No, no, ah-I got a steer.
I didn't know *giggles*
*AMPLIFIED SQUEAK TOY*
Why do I have to steer? Oh?
Oh, boy, here we go.
Come on- toot toot, motherfucker!
Eh (GG Mark)
*giggling*
*still giggling* Where did I go?
I think it's 'cause I didn't hit the ramp square on.
I gotta... gotta hit the ramp square.
That was my first mistake-
Okay, well-
Oh, this is my second mistake
H-oh *laughs*
N'evermind this steering is hard.
You guys are like, "Oh, Mark, you're a fugg'n idiot."
Steering's hard.
Steerings hard-
Yeahhh-!
Ohhh- *dissolves into laughter*
Ow, I just got the SmackDown™.
What, the fuck, is that- no...
How the- what?
*confused giggles*
All right, you know what?
I'm okay with this.
Let's toot it up, baby.
*high pitched toots* (x5)
Toot toot, motherfucker.
Here we go.
Alright, that was... bad launch, but... it's alright.
AwOoOo-WoOoOo
*Train rapidly toots*
Yeah-!
Uh oh...
*'splodes*
H-Ohh!
*giggles* Fuck
I don't think I'm escaping... buuut okay.
If we're gonna- wait, I got try this with a different vehicle
because this seems like actually
something that I could do
Ahhh
Jugger? *giggles*
I don't like that name-
*uncontrollable laughter*
Alright, fine.
Can I get in the tank?
Can I get in it?
Can I get in the Jugger?
*barely audible over the laughter* Kh- god, it's- just doesn't feel right.
Nah, I guess not. All right, let's go for it.
Come on, baby.
Oh, we're a little off- okay... *Police Sirens*
Why are you firing? Why are you firing your gun? *Police Sirens multiply and get louder*
Why are you fire- Oh, no...
Oh no... *Explosions x3*
Oh, it's going!
Holy shit!
Oh my god.
It was- it was...
Oh, it w...
*'splode*
Oh, well- oops.
*bone cracks*
I'm fine.
Well, that was amazing actually.
I'm pretty impressed.
It was pretty... pretty good,
but, uh, I don't think that's good for me.
Magnum...
Is this from the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen?
H-oh, hell yeah!
Get- now, we're getting it.
Alright, oop...
Uh oh
No, not me- NOT in the face...
I-I wanted the- I wanted the...
I wanted the vehicle to hit the mine, not my face.
Alright, I'ma...
something drastic that I never thought I'd actually... say.
We're gonna take out some turbo ramps.
I know... I know.
What's... happened to me? I've changed.
I know this.
I know.
But... hear me out.
If we're going normal speed, maybe we'll hit it normally.
We'll just take one.
Just one at the beginning.
Right?
Full speed, baby?
Alright. Now this is fine!
's totally fine.
Now, we got a good speed...
nice ramp...
NO!
Not on my face!
Not my face!
Alright, there we go. Nice, and easy.
Nice, and ea-
Wuh-eh, hey!
Hey! (x4)
Shit-
Ahhh
Fuck
*giggles*
Eh- alright, okay.
*more giggles*
*laughing* It's got- it's got...
*still laughing* It can turbo!
Alright- ay, hey Hey HeY HEY!
I'm tryin' ta- awww
well...
'at's just rude.
*mumbles* fuckin' asshole
You deserve tha- *giggles*
*New High Score guitar riff*
Hey, a new high score-
I don't care.
Let's try the Espionager.
I can't fit my head in *giggles* apparently.
I can't fit my head in the car.
This is gonna... go badly for me *more giggles*
Go, go, go!
Go, baby, go... go... go!
WHEEE
Yes!
*'splode*
Oh, no *laughs*
Where did I go?
*much laughter* Oh, there I am.
Super launch!
Alright, but I want my tooter; I want the loco.
Here we go. Toot me up, baby.
Whoops, never mind.
Oops- toot me up, baby!
Tooot
*single exhale of laughter*
And, a-
*visible disappointment*
That was the most pitifully pathetic thing
I've ever seen in my goddamn life. (ikr Mark?)
Get your fucking shit together-
*ironically timed New High Score guitar riff*
*whispers* God, dammit.
The Squealer?
Have I seen the Squealer?
Let's go for it.
*A squeaky racecar getting increasingly loud*
Oh- whoa, whoa, hey, whoa! WHOA!
Whoa! It's like a twelve-year-old on the Internet!
It's just a squeaker. (slow claps from caption editor)
AHHHH
Alright, hang on.
*NYOOM*
Huh...
Jesus Christ
Shut up, ya banshee.
All right, I don't think there's any way that we can
actually make any significant progress here,
so let's get something a bit more spashy...
Smashy.
Smash Your Ride, perfect.
Exactly what I was looking for.
Oh
no no no no No nO NO
Naww, nawww, *laughing* na-nawww...
*Lots of crashing* (Please have a moment of silence for the death of Turbo Dismount Mark)
But I can't even make any high score!
Wait, I know a skate line...
No, I don't know a skate line.
I don't think I'm supposed to do this one.
I think I'm supposed to...
Yeah, I'm supposed to do the Street Sli- *giggles*
I'm supposed to do the Street Slicer, I'm pretty sure.
Ah- yeah, radical.
*laughing* This is the greatest!
Ha, heh- haaaa, sick!
Aw, hell yeah.
Oh, sweet-!
Awww
Beefed it. I beefed it.
Oh, now- wha-EY! HEY! WHOA!
*AMPLIFIED EXPLOSION*
Rock bottom...
like in Sponge Bob.
*carefree "lee-da-dee" singing*
*notices the road no longer beneath him* oh oh OH...
*Markimoo panic*
Uh oh
*nervous laughter*
Huh...
Well...
I'm sure it'll be fine...
probably
*splat*
*many giggles*
TOOOT
TOOT- Uh oh...
Well, we're going... we're very...
We're very evenly balanced here.
This is- this is honestly incredible...
to be perfectly honest- Oh shit, well-
*AMPLIFIED SPLAT*
*Shocking footage of a train derailing*
Oh nooo
*crunch*
Ahhh *shocked*
Wha- ohhh! My- my head's caught in the tire *laughs*
You guys remember this one?
I forget what it was- hah...
Alright, I think I remember in this one,
I always tried to get the ones that would, like
lean out the most
so that my head was just sticking forward
just as much as it could...
*sounds of encouragement*
*PEW* Oh *laughing* Where did I go- oh?
My ribs are breaking, my bones are breaking,
*Caveplier* But me no hear.
Me not hear.
Me have no idea.
Me- Me not know where me am.
We need a sturdier vehicle.
Now, I don't know if this is actually gonna go well for me,
but if I hide in the back, I should be safe, right?
I am almost positive.
Ha'boom!
Oh, fuck you! Yeah!
Wait... Oh, that's so smart.
We can shoot 'em before we get there!
We'll survive!
A-boof! A-boom! A-bangy!
A-bangy! We made it!
Oh, fucking- NOOO
Jugger...
You betrayed me, Jugger *laughs*
Uh, why are you swinging?
Don't swing, don't swing, don't swing-
Hey, we made i- heheh- hey, where's mah- *cronch*
Ow, *many laughs* where did that train come from?
We were fine
until the train decided to insert himself inside me... (Don't take it litterally)
Ahhh
Uh- *CRASH*
Aw- What the fuck, another train?
We got double-teamed by two different trains
and then every other car in existence
decided to pay us a visit.
Okay, see? Fine. Totally fine...
Totally fine, then Mr. Train... *laughing* Mr. f-
Mr. Fucking Train, out of nowhere...
like the John Cena of trains,
you can't see him...
What derailed the Train? Number one...
Okay, there it is-
Wait! Wait, wh- what the fuck?
That didn't make any sense at all!
Okay, and then... we wait along...
we wait a la- a little la-dee-fucking-da...
Oh... oh, I see.
Ah-OWW
W-no, I don't see. *giggles*
That's the John Cena of trains.
*laughing* P-wait, what?
Where do you come- what?
That's impo-
That's like a one-in-a-million shot!
That... that launched before we even
started this endeavor.
That one's gone- Okay, those are gone.
That's the one.
I'm not even on the ground yet.
Oh, that's a direct hit. *laughs*
Oh, my god- *more laughs*
I don't remember this.
I d- I do not remember that.
Okay, I w- I wanted to say that I remember these things...
*in-game chicken noises*
Bok bok bok bok...
Bok bok bok bok bok bok-!
*genuine concern*
*smack*
Where'd my head go?
My head was there...
Where'd my head...
It wasn't attached to my body or anything,
but my head was there...
But what else do we have? No Escape...
Eh, probably not gonna be that exciting-
(Insert the "Are You Sure About That" clip here)
Oh boy, alright. Slow and steady. Slow- slow and steady!
Uh oh
Slow and s-uh...
Oh no
*nervous laughter* Oh no...
*Lots of crunching and metal clanking*
That's horrible...
Horrible-! Did we escape I think we escaped...
*various noises of disgust*
'just seems like a bug with way too many legs *laughs*
Alright. We got this... we got this, baby.
We got this, baby. We got this, baby. I got a baby-
*violent explosions*
Awww, fff-
*violent exploding continues*
*very disturbed*
My bones!
Leave my bones alone!
I'm getting so many points...
from my bones...
'kay, Mine Skydive.
That's awful.
*nervous chuckle* That's the worst thing I've ever seen.
Alright, let's- let's go for it.
Le- let's do this.
Here we goooo
Oh- oh, I have to steer?
Alright, steer...
I made it.
*flop* No, no, come on...
No, I p-was...
God, fuck youuUUU
I was right there- Go...
Go, you can do it, you can do it.
Just believe- uh oh...
You could do it believe it, you're se-
ah...
*sadness*
Bap!
yes, yes, yes... yes, Yes! YES!
*'splode*
Ow
Okay, not that... great.
Oh, don't... thread the ga-
Don't- nope nope nope no-
Hit, hit, hi-
*frustration*
Hit- No, don't go up against the wall.
Hit... something. Hit something!
Hit suh- Hit, hit-!
*disappointed sigh*
*AMPLIFIED SPLAT*
Alright, fine then.
Fuck you.
We're gonna end on a big blaster.
Daredevil's Jump? Mmm...
Oh, hell yeah.
Oh, helllll yeah.
Oh, hell yeah.
Gimme my boogie bus.
The fu- *giggles*
Wha-
*Confused Markimoo*
Okay?
Come on, go for it.
*spit takes without water*
Why can't the Boogie Bus fit?
There we go, that's the good stuff.
There we go.
Go for it.
Go, baby, go.
Hellll yeahhh-
Uh oh
*braces himself*
NOOOOO
*crash*
Ohhh
That economical vehicle really clocked me out.
Accurate replica of-
Whoa...
I see.
Well, pffff
Ah, all right.
Here we go.
Wheeee hoooo-
This h- well...
Well, it's been fun.
Thank you, everybody, so much, for watching.
You guys are awesome.
Take care of each other, and as always...
*crash*
I'll see you in the next video.
Buh bye
*giggles for days*
(Hey, you there...)
(Go subscribe to Markiplier for more hilarious content)
(You won't regret it, trust me.)
(K now cya)