LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- JOHN MULANEY.
♪♪♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
I'M JOHN MULANEY. IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME EVER
TUNING IN, I HOST EVERY WEEK. [ LAUGHTER ]
I'M FULLY KIDDING. THIS IS ONLY THE SECOND TIME
I'VE HOSTED. I ACTUALLY HOSTED THE SHOW LAST
APRIL. I BELIEVE WE HAVE A PHOTO OF
THAT. RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ] YEAH.
IT WAS APRIL. IT'S GREAT TO BE IN
NEW YORK CITY, BECAUSE I LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY.
AND IT'S ALWAYS CONVENIENT TO BE WHERE YOU LIVE.
[ LAUGHTER ] I WAS WALKING DOWN WEST
13th STREET THE OTHER DAY. I WAS COMING DOWN WEST 13th AND
THIS COUPLE WAS WALKING TOWARDS ME.
AND AS I WALKED PASSED THEM, THE BOYFRIEND SAID TO ME, "HEY, COOL
GUY." AND THEN HIS GIRLFRIEND GOES,
"THAT'S MEAN." AND I EXPERIENCED A COMPLIMENT
AND THE INSULT IN REAL TIME. HE WAS LIKE, "HEY COOL GUY."
I WAS LIKE, "HEY." SHE WAS LIKE, "THAT'S MEAN."
I WAS LIKE, "RIGHT." [ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS A COOL PERSON AT ONE TIME. I USED TO DO COCAINE.
THAT'S TRUE. THE PERSON YOU'RE LOOKING AT.
I USED TO SMELL IT INTO MY NOSE. I GET A HIGH FROM IT.
HEY, QUICK TIP FROM MY EXPERIENCE, DOING COCAINE WILL
NOT MAKE YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND GET BACK TOGETHER WITH YOU, BUT IT
WILL MAKE HER WORRY ABOUT YOU. AND IN THE END, WHAT'S THE
DIFFERENCE? [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
I'M MARRIED NOW. I'M VERY HAPPILY MARRIED.
MY WIFE IS JEWISH. I WAS RAISED CATHOLIC WHICH YOU
ALL KNEW FROM THE MOMENT I WALKED OUT.
[ LAUGHTER ] THAT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
A JEWISH PERSON MARRYING A CATHOLIC CHILDREN.
ONLY, LIKE, TWO PEOPLE ASKED ABOUT IT.
AND THOSE PEOPLE WERE MY PARENTS.
BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED, MY MOM ASKED ME IF MY WIFE WAS GOING TO
CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM. [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU'RE RIGHT TO LAUGH. IT'S A STUPID QUESTION.
OH, I DON'T KNOW, MOM. LET ME GO ASK A 29-YEAR-OLD
JEWISH WOMAN WHO DOESN'T LIKE ANY OF MY SUGGESTIONS IF SHE
WOULD CONVERT TO, WHAT WAS IT AGAIN?
ROMAN CATHOLICISM? [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
HOW WOULD I EVEN HAVE THAT CONVERSATION?
WHAT DO I COME HOME WITH A BROCHURE?
AND I'M LIKE, "HEY HONEY, ALLOW ME TO TELL YOU ABOUT AN EXCITING
NOT NEW ORGANIZATION. [ LAUGHTER ]
DON'T GOOGLE US." YOU KNOW THAT STRANGE LOOK OF
SHAME AND UNHAPPINESS I HAVE IN MY EYES AT ALL TIMES ESPECIALLY
AFTER SEX AND IT WAS ALL FORCED ON ME AT BIRTH?
WHAT IF YOU VOLUNTARILY SIGNED UP FOR IT?
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MY WIFE AND I HAVE A FRENCH BULLDOG.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] HER NAME IS PETUNIA.
SHE'S GREAT. SHE'S GREAT.
SHE CANNOT BREATHE BY DESIGN. [ LAUGHTER ]
SO WE PUSH HER IN A STROLLER. THAT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE.
MY WIFE WAS PUSHING HER DOWN 7th AVENUE SOUTH.
THIS IS AN ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY.
SHE WAS PUSHING THE BULLDOG DOWN 7th AVENUE SOUTH.
SHE GETS TO 7th AVENUE SOUTH AND LEROY STREET.
AT 7th AVENUE SOUTH AND LEROY STREET, A CAR PULLS UP.
OUT OF THE CAR AND STEPS WOODY ALLEN AND SOON YI PREVIN.
MY WIFE STARES AT WOODY AND SOON YI.
WOODY AND SOON YI STARE AT A WOMAN PUSHING A BULLDOG IN A
STROLLER. THE FOUR OF THEM STARE AT EACH
OTHER. AND THEN THEY ALL KIND OF NOD AS
IF TO SAY NONE OF THIS IS RIGHT. AND THEN THEY WENT THEIR
SEPARATE WAYS. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
I TAKE THE SUBWAY A LOT IN NEW YORK.
I PREFER THE SUBWAY, BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE MAN AND WOMAN NARRATING
THE SUBWAY RIDE. THE WOMAN THAT TELLS YOU THE
SUBWAY STOPS IN A NICE GENTLE VOICE AND HER WAY TOO LOUD
HUSBAND. YOU KNOW THE ONE WHO IS LIKE,
"THE NEXT STOP IS CHRISTOPHER STREET."
"STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOOR, PLEASE!"
[ LAUGHTER ] STOP SHOUTING.
WHAT ARE YOU, IN THE NEXT ROOM? I ACTUALLY ASKED SOMEONE WHO
WORKS FOR THE CITY, WHY IS IT A MALE AND A FEMALE VOICE?
HE TOLD ME THAT -- THEY THINK THAT PEOPLE WILL TAKE
INFORMATION FROM A FEMALE VOICE, BUT THEY WILL ONLY WARNINGS FROM
A MALE VOICE. NOW THAT'S IT'S OWN AMERICAN
GENDER NIGHTMARE THAT WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO GET INTO.
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT I TRUST THAT WOMAN MORE.
I LIKE THAT SHE SAYS EVERY SUBWAY STOP LIKE IT'S A SECRET.
SHE'S ALWAYS LIKE, "THE NEXT STOP IS --
CHAMBERS STREET." >> ASSAULTING AN MTA WORKER!
I WASN'T GOING DO THAT. THEY WARN YOU ABOUT THAT.
MURDERING A TAXI DRIVER WILL GET YOU 25 YEARS IN PRISON.
OKAY, I GUESS I WON'T DO IT. [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU DON'T SEE THAT IN OTHER BUSINESSES.
RESTAURANTS ARE NEVER LIKE, "HEY, YOUR SERVER WILL BE RIGHT
WITH YOU. OH, BY THE WAY, MURDERING A
WAITER IN THE STATE OF NEW YORK IS A CLASS A FELONY.
I'M GOING TO GET YOU SOME BREAD."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] THERE IS A LOT OF -- I HEAR A
LOT OF SIRENS IN NEW YORK. THERE IS A NEW TYPE OF SIREN.
YOU KNOW THE NEW SIREN THEY'VE HAD FOR THE PAST COUPLE OF YEARS
THAT HAS, LIKE, A FUN AND FUNKY BEAT?
THEY LIKE TO USE IT MORE BECAUSE IT SOUNDS FUN AND FUNKY.
YOU KNOW THE SIREN THAT IS LIKE --
[ SOUNDS ] [ LAUGHTER ]
LIKE THERE'S A D.J. IN THE BACK OF THE PATROL CAR.
IT SOUNDS LIKE TWO SIRENS TALKING TO EACH OTHER.
[ SOUNDS ] IT'S TOO FAST.
SIRENS USED TO BE SO SLOW AND BEAUTIFUL.
I WAS WATCHING THIS OLD MOVIE ON TURNER CLASSIC MOVIES, BECAUSE I
WAS NOT AN ATHLETIC CHILD. AND IT WAS AN ALFRED HITCHCOCK
MOVIE AND THERE'S A GUNSHOT. BANG.
AND THEN YOU HEAR THIS OLD FASHIONED SIREN.
AND IT WAS SLOW AND LOVELY. IT WAS LIKE --
[ SOUNDS ] IT WAS LIKE AN OLD, GAY CAT WAS
DYING. [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT NOT A SAD DEATH. NOT A SAD DEATH.
HE'S LIVED A FULL LIFE AND HE'S SURROUNDED BY LOVED ONES AND
HE'S IN HOSPICE. HE'S IN CAT HOSPICE.
AND HE'S HOLDING HANDS WITH A RABBI AND HE'S JUST KIND OF --
[ MEOWS ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW
THOMAS RHETT IS HERE. STICK AROUND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK