-Welcome each and every one of you
to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. You made it. Thank you for watching.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, everyone's talking about this today.
The January 6th Committee held another hearing,
and people are calling it the most shocking piece of testimony
ever given before Congress.
Yep, committee's big witness
was former Trump aide Cassidy Hutchinson.
And she dropped some major bombshells.
Here she is talking about how Trump reacted
when his driver told him that he couldn't go to the Capitol.
-The President said something to the effect of,
"I'm the effing president. Take me up to the Capitol now."
The President reached up towards the front of the vehicle
to grab at the steering wheel.
Mr. Trump then used his free hand
to lunge towards Bobby Engel.
And when Mr. Ornato had recounted this story to me,
he had motioned towards his clavicles.
-Immediately the agents were like,
"Who the hell let him out of his car seat?
I mean, how did he reach the steering wheel?"
[ Laughter ]
Always good when you need another Secret Service
to protect the Secret Service. You know what I'm saying?
A little later, Hutchinson recalled
how Trump reacted after Attorney General Bill Barr
said that there was no evidence of election fraud.
Watch this. -I left the office
and went down to the dining room.
I first noticed there was ketchup dripping down the wall
and there was a shattered porcelain plate on the floor.
The President was extremely angry
at the attorney general's "A.P." interview
and had thrown his lunch against the wall.
[ Laughter ]
-Knowing Trump, he probably finished his Big Mac first
then threw the plate.
[ Laughter ]
"Hold up. I'm furious!"
That's right. Two of Trump's favorite things coming together,
ketchup and walls.
Yeah, it's just amazing.
Well, it turns out Melania's Christmas tree is --
Yeah, you just got it now. Okay. Sorry.
It's right. It's good. Oh, wow.
Everyone's slowly getting it. Good.
It turns out Melania's Christmas trees weren't red.
They were just covered in Heinz. Interesting.
But it didn't stop there.
Hutchinson also testified that Trump
not only knew that his protesters were armed
but actually didn't want them to go through "mags,"
which are devices that screen for weapons.
Check this out.
-At that point, Fox News was like,
"We'll be back right after this quick
two-hour commercial break."
[ Laughter ]
Well, guys, switching gears.
I saw that the top accounting firm Ernst & Young
has been fined $100 million
for allowing its employees to cheat on CPA exams.
Yeah, but we got a copy of one of the exams.
I got to tell you -- their answers are way off.
I'll give you a few examples.
For instance, when asked, "What is an analyst?",
one accountant wrote...
[ Laughter ]
No, no, that's...
Next up, when asked, "Define a 'grantee,'"
another accountant wrote...
[ Laughter ]
Up next is when asked, "Define the following: CPA and W-2,"
one accountant put...
[ Laughter ]
Next up, when asked, "What is a Red Herring,"
one accountant wrote, "Prince Harry's hairstyle."
[ Laughter ]
When asked, "What's a recession?",
the same accountant wrote, "Prince William's hairstyle."
They shouldn't cheat.
They shouldn't cheat on those things. I don't --
Some business news, guys.
Lowe's announced that they're expanding into the metaverse
to help people visualize their improvement projects.
It's a cool idea, but I think
they might be going a little far.
Check out this ad I just saw.
-At Lowe's, we know you live in the 21st century.
That's why we're introducing Lowe's Metaverse.
So you can see how that paint looks before you buy it.
In the metaverse, you can design a little avatar
that looks just like you then teach it how to eat,
pay bills, find a job, exercise, and start a family.
Maybe one day your avatar sits down at a computer
to check out the Lowe's Metaverse, too!
[Voice deepens] And that's where the singularity begins.
-Yeah, interesting. Wow.
[ Applause ]
Hey, guys, listen to this. According to a new report,
the world's stress is at a record level right now.
Everyone's at record levels right now.
That means it's time for a "Tonight Show" Stress Test.
I will go first. I will check my own pulse.
[ Heart beat thumping ]
It's pretty normal. Tariq, your turn.
[ Heart beating rapidly ]
Wow. That sounds a little faster.
-I had a stressful weekend.
-Hm. Alright. Questlove, let's hear your pulse.
-Sure.
[ Heart beating rhythmically ]
[ Instruments join ]
[ Rapid percussion hits ]
♪ I can feel it ♪
-♪ Coming in the air tonight ♪
-You might want to get that checked out, but...
Some entertainment news. This is very exciting.
We're just a few days away from the premiere
of "Stranger Things," season 4, volume 2.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And they just released another teaser.
Take a look at this.
-On July 1st, the wait is over.
[ Giggles ]
-Wow.
[ Applause ]
-Hey guys, I heard about a Southwest Airlines passenger
who was caught AirDropping an explicit photo of himself
to everyone on his flight.
[ Laughter ]
But on Southwest, that's just known
as the in-flight entertainment, yeah.
Even worse, he was in the upright and locked position.
I don't even know what that -- What does that mean?
[ Laughs ] What does that mean? Exactly.