So, how does parenting style influence child development and behavior? I'm Nicholeen
Peck. I'm a parenting expert and that's what we're talking about in this video.
In this video, I'm going to share a story with you that might surprise you
and then we're going to talk about the 3 different styles of parenting and how they influence child
development and the behavior of our children. Years ago, there was a child playing at my house
and his mother came over to pick him up because it was time for him to go. And so, she said, "Hey,
can you go get my son?" I said sure. I went to the other room. I said, "Hey, your mom's here.
It's time to go." He comes out and mom takes one look at him. And her demeanor changes. In fact,
I don't know what she had to eat that day but it was not a good day for her. She turned into more
of a monster type mom and she said, "Shorts!? You're wearing shorts!? Why are you wearing
shorts!?" And she started yelling at this child. I saw the child immediately see that he needed
to retreat. And he took some step back. And he's like, "Well, dad said I could." And she said, "No,
he didn't. Dad isn't even home." Then I see the child think of another lie. "Well, I called him."
-"No, you didn't." And so, then she goes on and on and tells him all these negative consequences
that he earned just because he was going to wear shorts on a day that she did not want him to
wear shorts. This parent is what I would call a bully fear-based parent. And the child was doing
something very natural that children do when they have a bully fear-based parent. And that is lie.
They have to protect themselves. So, they come up with stories quick and hope that they'll work
to diffuse the bully that they have to deal with. There are 3 different styles of parenting.
There's a bully fear-based parenting. There's modern progressive or permissive parenting.
And then there is traditional strict parenting. I'm going to go through each of these three
different styles of parenting and explain to you the effects that these types of parenting
have on the development and the behaviors of our children. But before I do, I want to make
it very clear that the traditional strict type of parenting is the preferred type of parenting
in my mind. Because this type of parent is calm, they're secure, they are loving but they are firm
all at the same time. The child bonds with the parent better.
This type of parenting requires self-assessment. So, I teach everything about self-government. My
website is called teachingselfgovernment.com. I train parents how to teach themselves and their
children self-government or self-mastery. In order to do this, a person has to learn certain skills.
They have to pre-plan their behaviors so that they will follow through with what they intended. A
person who is not pre-planned will either become a bully fear-based parent or a modern progressive
permissive type parent. I have other videos on this channel that talk about different styles
of parenting and go into great detail about the styles. In this particular video, what I want
to share with you is how these styles impact the behaviors and the development of our children. So,
I'm going to put my focus there. But if you want more information about what differentiates these
3 different styles of parenting then be sure to look for those videos on the channel.
So, let's talk first about the bully fear-based style of parenting and what impact that has on
our children. Now, we already mentioned the lying. That one's super common. That doesn't mean every
lie is stemmed from that because children also just naturally experiment with lying.
But many lies can be traced back to having a bully fear-based type of parenting style in the
home. So, manipulations too, okay? Because manipulations are lies. Those are the same
sorts of things. Another behavior that comes from a bully fear-based parenting style is insecurity.
Many children who are raised with bullies feel like they don't know if they can trust their
own decisions. In fact, usually, consequently, they're very poor at problem-solving and they're
always looking to somebody else to tell them what to do. Because a bully in their tyrannical way
tries to control every decision that the child makes. So, they don't ever learn the skill.
Another thing that can happen to a child being raised in a bully fear-based home is they can
become aggressive. They want to step up and become the next bully. So, they'll start being aggressive
to friends, aggressive to siblings and even sometimes try to be aggressive to other parents.
Maybe the one parent that's not a bully will get some aggressiveness from the child
that has been bullied by the bully fear-based parent. Also, you can see passiveness. So,
both ends of the spectrum there. But when you are raised by a bully,
you have to learn how to survive. So, with the bully, you learn to be passive. With other people,
you practice being aggressive. So, some parents get fooled by their children. They might think
their children is never mean to another person because they're never mean to them. But actually,
they're usually practicing their bullying skills on friends and siblings. Speaking of friends,
children raised by bullies often have a hard time making friends. They just don't connect with
people well because bullies don't connect well either. They're always thinking about themselves
and how they feel and they're projecting that on everybody else. And so, they don't get to
have real connections with parents the types of things that help them understand other people. So,
usually, other children feel like something's not quite right about that child. So, they struggle
with their friends. When you're controlled by a bully, then lots of times you don't feel like
you can make decisions on your own. Which means you end up becoming not motivated. So,
that's another one of the negative consequences of being raised by a bully. You just don't get the
drive to make anything of yourself. A child raised by a bully also is a bad communicator. Usually,
they oftentimes keep to themselves because any time they try to assert with the bully,
it's not respected. So, they just learn not to. Oftentimes children from bully fear-based homes
are very codependent, they can't make their own decisions very well and they oftentimes
feel very distant from other people. They have a hard time attaching. And so, relationship-wise,
throughout their entire lives, they struggle being truly authentic and bonded. What other
types of negative effects from bully fear-based parenting have you seen? Leave a comment below.
So, let's talk about the modern progressive or permissive type family. One of the common effects
in a modern progressive permissive family is that we also have children who are not motivated. The
parents don't do as much instructing. They leave the child a little bit wild so the child doesn't
actually pick to push themselves forward in a lot of ways. Another thing that they do is follow the
crowd. This is super common. Instead of doing what the parents would like them to, they do what their
friends would like them to. Well, in the modern progressive, more permissive family, social
and friends is all the focus. So, it shouldn't surprise those parents that the children end up
following what the friends do instead of what the family would like to do. Here's some other words
that describe the effects of modern progressive parenting style. These children are often spoiled,
selfish, entitled. These are problems we are seeing in large numbers in our society around us.
And it means that there are a lot of permissive parents out there. Parents who are not choosing
to tell their children no. They're not stopping them from making bad decisions. They're worried
more about being their friend than being their parent. A child raised in a modern progressive
permissive home also has a hard time making and keeping friends. The reason why is because that
child feels entitled to treat people any way they want to. If they get whatever they want at home,
then they feel like they can do or say anything to their friends. Soon their friends don't want
to put up with it anymore. And they move on to more happy, kind, serving friends. Children
raised in modern progressive families are also codependent just like their counterparts raised
in bully fear-based families. But the difference is they're codependent not because someone
controlled everything. They're codependent because no one ever gave them boundaries.
They were able to do nearly whatever they wanted to do. So, they don't know if they're making the
right choice. In fact, one of the hallmarks of a modern progressive family is that they
let the child decide what's right or wrong, good or bad, true or false. Whatever the child wants
to do is good, right? And so, the child thinks that every one of their decisions has to be right
yet they know somehow inside that they're not all right. Children raised in a permissive way
are often very insecure because they haven't had a lot of training. These children often lack moral
judgment as well because they haven't had the moral training where parents said, "Nope. That's
wrong. That's a no answer. You absolutely can't do that." And when I mean moral, I mean going back to
principles of what's right and wrong, good and bad, true and false. And not just what's legally
right or legally wrong. Because those things are changing all the time. Modern progressive
families are oftentimes more aggressive. This is interesting. Because of the entitlement problem,
they start to force other people to do things their way. So, aggressiveness or dominance is also
a sign that the child has been overly indulged. Another common thing for children who have
been raised in a permissive way is they isolate themselves. They don't open up to other people.
Because oftentimes they've truly been abandoned or left alone to make all their own decisions and to
run things in their own lives their way. They also have a tendency to attract bad friends. And this
is because the parents don't often take an active role in who their friends should be. They usually
just tell them to be inclusive of everyone and not worry about what a person's life decisions
are. But then the child ends up becoming friends with someone who leads them down paths that lead
to unhappiness, usually. Now, we're ready for my favorite style of parenting and there are so
many videos on this channel about the traditional strict what I call self-government parent that you
could learn and learn about this forever. So, I'm going to list for you now what the effects of this
type of self-governed and very traditional strict type of parenting is. First, I do need to tell
you strict in my mind doesn't mean honoring. I go back to the definition of strict which means that
a person governs themselves by a certain set of principles. They make a plan, they follow through.
That's what it means to be strict. When a person is raised with a traditional strict type of
parenting, these are the positive effects that you can expect to see. Usually, they're more honest.
Usually, they're more goal-oriented and motivated, they make plans for themselves, they step out and
lead. They help other people solve problems. They don't have any problem accepting responsibility
for their own mistakes. They're usually more optimistic and connected with other people. They
bond with their family members. In fact, usually, they make friends with people of all ages because
they don't think just about what they want. But instead about the other people around them. In
a traditional strict home, it's all about family unity not just about the self. I know that doesn't
seem like it fits because self-government sounds like it's pointing at the self. But what everybody
does is they master themselves so that they can have the greatest amount of family bonding and
family unity. They serve each other. They don't just worry about serving themselves. They usually
have good communication skills. And another thing is they're oftentimes more soft-hearted. That
doesn't mean they're more emotional. It just means they're more understanding and caring of other
people. They also are more willing to change their bad behaviors. That is what it really means to
be soft-hearted, to be humble and teachable. They control themselves better, they're more
understanding of other people. And they're more calm. That's a huge one. They know how to be calm,
how to communicate with someone in a way where they don't have to manipulate or get into a power
struggle because their parents have shown them that. When parents live by principle and they have
their parenting practices match the principles they live by, then they are traditional strict
and they will be able to be calm in all of their teaching. With all 3 of these parenting styles,
the children look at authority differently. That's the key reason why there's so many
different results. So, in the bully fear-based home, the child yields to authority. In the
modern progressive home, the child doesn't respect authority. And in the traditional strict home,
the child honors authority. So, when the child honors the parental authority and the parents
take that parental authority, then everyone is happier, more functional and more united.
It leads to that calmness that we want so much. Speaking of calm, I have a free gift for you.
Since you have listened to this video, I want to give you a free Calm Parenting Toolkit.
This is a course on my website. There's a link to it below this video in the description.
Go to the Calm Parenting Toolkit and get that free course to help you get on track
to becoming more traditional strict to improve your calmness, improve your self-government,
and start learning the skills you need to become a more self-governed parent.