Have you ever wondered if it seems like the narcissist actually
loves conflict? Did you know that they actually
crave it? By the end of this video, you're going to know why that narcissist craves conflict.
Hi, I'm Rebecca Zung. I've been recognized as one of the top 1% of attorneys in the country and I've
written two best-selling books, Negotiate Like YOU M.A.T.T.E.R. and Breaking Free: A Step-by-Step
Divorce Guide. And I help you. I have helped thousands of people go from lives of dealing with
narcissists and drama and trauma, and chaos, and I've led them and guided them through my resources
and through my work into lives of freedom, possibility, and purpose. And that's what I do
for you here on this channel. So, make sure that you have subscribed and you hit that notification
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of amazing new content just for you. So, let's talk about why that narcissist craves conflict.
It's crazy, who would love that? And it just seems like they're just thriving on it.
And in my work, I've seen people who've been dealing with narcissists for years and years and
years and years. And in litigation, even in cases, sometimes it's years, three years, four years,
five years, six years. I actually did a survey of my Facebook group and found that a huge percentage
of people were dealing with narcissists for a long period of time. It was like 86% is more than 18
months. And 46% of that 86% is longer than three years. Why, why do they keep going on with this
thing? Especially if they say to you, they want it to be over. They act like they want it to be over,
but they don't let it be over. It just keeps going on and on and on, and it feels like you can never
escape them and you can never get away from them. And why is that? So in this video, I'm going to
tell you why. So, it all comes back down to the one thing that they need, which is narcissistic
supply and how do they get it? So they crave conflict in a number of different ways. So,
how do they do this? So, one of the ways that they do this is they create conflict so that they can
be the hero. They can be the good one. They can be the one that's ... Saves everything. They actually
created the conflict, but then they can come along and be the hero and be the savior. Okay. So,
that's one of the reasons they crave conflict. Another one is so that they can play the victim.
I've seen that happen too, with the narcissist that I had to deal with in my life. And with
other forms of narcissist. For example, I saw someone one time
who inadvertently said something to upset someone so that that person would get super upset,
so that a third person would see this all happening and then they would become the victim.
So, it's all very sick to create conflict with one person so that you can become the victim
to other people, so that other people go, "Oh my gosh, that is so sorry,
that's awful that that's happening to you." When they themselves created that conflict,
it's all really sick, but it is the way it is. So, that's another reason they crave conflict because
they can get narcissistic supply from being the victim. So in one sense, they can get
supply from being the hero, another sense supply from being the victim. Another reason that they
crave conflict is because they want control of the situation. So, by everybody else being upset and
intimidated, or something like that, then they now are controlling people.
I had a situation in a mediation one time where the husband came in and immediately said that if
their daughter who the wife was in contact with, didn't give him back his dog,
that he wouldn't even start the mediation, that we wouldn't even be able to get to anything
else. Now, mind you, this is a dog that he had neglected and that the daughter had gone over to
his house to take care of because the dog had been neglected. The wife wasn't even a part of that.
She was just the one that was in contact with the daughter. The wife had no control over this dog,
but yet here's the mediator coming into our conference room saying, "Can't you just get
your daughter to give the dog back. We can't even start the mediation. He won't discuss any of the
issues until he gets the dog." And we're like, "Even if the daughter did give the dog back,
what would he do with it? Would he leave the dog in the car? Would he bring the dog in the office?"
It was all so insane, but yet here's everybody having a conversation. My client's on the phone
with her daughter, the adult daughter is upset and crying about the whole thing. And so what
is he doing at this point? He's creating drama. Everybody's running around like little peons,
trying to make him happy and figure out how to get him this dog so that we could
actually have a conversation about everything else. That's craving conflict, in a nutshell.
That's somebody who wanted to have control over the situation. It was not about the dog. He did
not care about that dog. It was about everybody else scrambling to do what he wanted. So that he
could set the tone for the mediation that he's the one in control and things are going to go his way.
It was his way or the highway. So there's a perfect example of somebody who wanted
to crave conflict in order to have control. And if you think that this crazy-making is just
so insane, give me an amen in the comments. And the next thing is that they're just easily bored.
And sometimes they just like to start drama because, why not start drama?
And then they can be at the center of the drama. And maybe it's that they say something bad about
somebody else. And now that person's upset and now they get to see that these two people are fighting
and they started it and they get to go play the innocent one. And, "Oh my gosh, this is awful.
And I can't believe she said that about you. And I can't believe he said that about her."
And now there's in this vortex of the drama and they get to be part of it. And that also feeds
their ego. It's just like everything else that they do, it comes back to narcissistic supply,
but there are many different ways that they get this narcissistic supply. And in a battle with a
narcissist, when you're in that discard phase, they start the smear campaigns and they start
badmouthing you to everybody and trying to line up all their flying monkeys. And if you want to
know more about triangulation and the freezes that narcissists use, when they're triangulating check
out my video on phrases that narcissists use when they're triangulating. But they start lining up
these people so that again, they can continue this drama. And why do they continue the drama?
Why do they constantly move goalposts when you're trying to negotiate with them? And by the way,
check out my video on why narcissists continue to move goalposts on that.
But if you are wondering, it just comes down to narcissistic supply.
And the only way that you're going to be able to cut off that supply source
is to go no contact. And if you're negotiating with a narcissist,
it's going to be through creating leverage. And that's what I talk all about in my SLAY program,
strategy, leverage, anticipate what the narcissist is going to do, and focus on you and your case.
And your leverage piece is definitely going to be tied up in threatening a source of supply
that means more to the narcissist than the supply that they get from jerking you around and dragging
you through the court system, or dragging out any kind of negotiations, or conversations,
or coming back to intimidate you, or offering you a settlement proposal.
And even if you take it now saying that's off the table because of something that you did.
And so it goes on and on and on. And the reason it continues to go on and on and on, is because
they continue to get supply from that interaction from you. They will not let go as long as there're
any supply left to be had. And so that's why they crave conflict because it gives them that
ego boost. It gives them that feeling of power in the situation. So, if you are getting ready
to negotiate with the narcissist, make sure to grab my free, Crush My Negotiation prep worksheet.
Do not walk into your negotiations without it. I've had people tell me they've won entire
mediations just on that. It's an e-book and you can just get it at winmynegotiation.com.
If you liked this video, give it a like, make sure you share it because other people can use this
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And if you want more support, if you're feeling isolated, you're feeling alone,
you're feeling broken down and you're feeling traumatized. Please come join me in my free
private Facebook group. It's called, Narcissist Negotiators with Rebecca Zung. And we will
make sure we drop links to that below as well. Thanks so much for joining me today. Remember,
today is a great day to start negotiating your best life. I'll see you in the next video.