♪♪♪ >>> GOOD EVENING.
FROM HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY, I'M LESTER HOLT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] AND WELCOME TO THE FIRST
PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE. A QUICK REMINDER FOR OUR
AUDIENCE, THERE IS NO CHEERING, NO CLAPPING, AND TO THE TRUMP
SUPPORTERS, NO SHIRT NO SHOES, NO SERVICE.
NOW LET'S BRING OUT THE CANDIDATES.
FIRST SHE'S BEEN BATTLING PNEUMONIA AND WE HOPE SHE'S
FEELING BETTER TONIGHT. IT'S SECRETARY HILLARY CLINTON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> I'M BETTER THAN EVER, LET'S
DO THIS! >> AND FINALLY, HE'S THE MAN TO
BLAME FOR THE BOTTOM HALF OF ALL HIS KIDS' FACES.
IT'S REPUBLICAN NOMINEE DONALD TRUMP!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> GOOD EVENING, AMERICA.
I AM GOING TO BE SO GOOD TONIGHT.
I AM GOING TO BE SO CALM AND SO PRESIDENTIAL THAT ALL OF YOU
WATCHING ARE GOING TO CREAM YOUR JEANS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> SECRETARY CLINTON, LET'S
BEGIN WITH YOU. WHY ARE YOU A BETTER CHOICE THAN
YOUR OPPONENT TO CREATE JOBS AND PUT MONEY INTO THE POCKETS OF
AMERICAN WORKERS? >> WELL, LESTER, MY OPPONENT'S
TAX PLAN BENEFITS THE TOP 1% SO MUCH, IT'S NOT JUST TRICKLE-DOWN
ECONOMICS, IT'S -- I DON'T KNOW, I GUESS IF I HAD TO CALL IT
SOMETHING OFF THE TOP OF THE OLD DOME, WITH NO PREP WHATSOEVER, I
DON'T KNOW, I GUESS I'D CALL IT TRUMPED-UP, TRICKLE-DOWN
ECONOMICS. >> THAT'S VERY CATCHY,
SECRETARY. YOU JUST CAME UP WITH THAT JUST
NOW? >> I DID, RIGHT OFF THE STIFF
RED CUFF. >> SAY, JAZZMAN.
I'VE GOT A VERY PRESIDENTIAL ANSWER FOR THIS.
OUR JOBS ARE FLEEING THIS COUNTRY.
THEY'RE GOING TO MEXICO, THEY'RE GOING TO JI-NA.
I'D STOP THAT. IF HILLARY KNEW HOW SHE WOULD
HAVE DONE IT ALREADY, END OF STORY.
I WON THE DEBATE, I STAYED CALM JUST LIKE I PROMISED, AND IT IS
OVER. GOOD NIGHT, HOFSTRA.
>> DONALD. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
DONALD, THERE'S STILL 88 MINUTES LEFT.
IT'S A 90-MINUTE DEBATE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> MY MICROPHONE IS BROKEN. SHE BROKE IT.
WITH OBAMA. SHE AND OBAMA STOLE MY
MICROPHONE. THEY TOOK MY MICROPHONE TO KENYA
AND THEY BROKE IT AND NOW IT'S BROKEN.
DO YOU HEAR THAT? SOMEBODY'S SNIFFING HERE.
I THINK IT'S HER SNIFFS. SHE'S BEEN SNIFFING ALL NIGHT.
TESTING, TESTING. JI-NA, JI-NA.
YUGE, JI-NA. >> SECRETARY CLINTON, WHAT DO
YOU THINK ABOUT THAT? >> I THINK I'M GOING TO BE
PRESIDENT. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I MEAN, THIS MAN IS CLEARLY
UNFIT TO BE COMMANDER IN CHIEF. >> WRONG.
>> HE IS A BULLY. >> SHUT UP.
>> HE STARTED THE BIRTHER MOVEMENT.
>> YOU DID. >> HE SAID CLIMATE CHANGE IS A
HOAX INVENTED BY CHINA. >> IT'S PRONOUNCED JI-NA.
>> HE HASN'T RELEASED HI TAX RETURNS WHICH MEANS HE'S EITHER
NOT THAT RICH. >> WRONG.
>> NOT THAT CHARITABLE. >> WRONG.
>> OR HE'S NOT PAID TAXES IN HIS LIFE.
>> WRONGER. >> LET'S MOVE ON TO NATIONAL
SECURITY. MR. TRUMP, YOU'VE CRITICIZED
SECRETARY CLINTON FOR VOTING FOR THE IRAQ WAR, BUT YOU YOURSELF
SUPPORTED THE WAR -- >> WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.
YOU'RE BEING VERY MEAN TO ME TONIGHT, COLTRANE, VERY MEAN.
I WAS AGAINST THE WAR, NAME ANYONE IN THE WORLD NAMED SEAN
HANNITY. I TOLD SEAN HANNITY, CALL SEAN
HANNITY. >> YOU TOLD SEAN HANNITY ON HIS
SHOW AND THERE'S PROOF? >> I TOLD HIM IN PRIVATE.
ME AND SEAN LATE AT NIGHT. I LEANED OVER AND WHISPERED IN
HIS EAR, SEAN, I'M AGAINST THE WAR IN IRAQ.
HE WHISPERED IN MY EAR, I'M AGAINST THE WAR TOO.
NEXT THING I KNEW, WAY KISSING SEAN HANNITY.
>> MOVING RIGHT PAST THAT. [ LAUGHTER ]
THE IRAQ WAR IS ALL ABOUT JUDGMENT.
SECRETARY CLINTON, DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE BETTER JUDGMENT THAN
MR. TRUMP? >> HA HA, YES, YES.
YES. OF COURSE I DO.
DONALD TRUMP HAS TERRIBLE JUDGMENT.
HE MAKES BAD DECISIONS. HE SPENDS HIS LIFE CHEATING
MIDDLE-CLASS LABORERS. LABORERS LIKE MY OWN HUMAN
FATHER. WHO MADE -- I GUESS DRAPES OR
PRINTED DRAPES OR SOLD DRAPES OR -- AND HE WAS RELATABLE, AND
I AM ALSO RELATABLE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> MR. TRUMP, SAME QUESTION. WHY IS YOUR JUDGMENT BETTER THAN
SECRETARY CLINTON'S? >> BECAUSE IT IS.
I HAVE THE BEST JUDGMENT. AND THE BEST TEMPERAMENT.
SHE'S THE ONE WITH THE BAD TEMPERAMENT.
SHE'S ALWAYS SCREAMING. SHE'S CONSTANTLY LYING.
HER HAIR IS CRAZY. HER HASE IS COMPLETELY ORANGE.
EXCEPT AROUND THE EYES WHERE IT'S WHITE.
ONCE SHE STOPS TALKING HER MOUTH LOOKS LIKE A TINY LITTLE
BUTTHOLE. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> SECRETARY CLINTON, YOU HAVE
TWO MINUTES TO RESPOND. >> OH, THAT'S OKAY.
HE CAN HAVE MY TWO MINUTES. >> OKAY, MR. TRUMP, TWO MORE
MINUTES. >> THE THING ABOUT THE BLACKS.
[ LAUGHTER ] IS THAT THEY'RE KILLING EACH
OTHER. [ LAUGHTER ]
ALL THE BLACKS LIVE ON ONE STREET IN CHICAGO.
ALL ON ONE STREET. IT'S CALLED HELL STREET.
AND THEY'RE ON HELL STREET AND THEY'RE ALL JUST KILLING EACH
OTHER. JUST LIKE I AM KILLING THIS
DEBATE. >> SECRETARY CLINTON, DID YOU
HAVE A RESPONSE? >> UM --
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NOT A -- NOT A RESPONSE, MORE OF A REQUEST.
CAN AMERICA VOTE RIGHT NOW? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> WELL, THIS HAS HAS BEEN AN ILLUMINATING DEBATE.
BUT NOW IT'S TIME FOR OUR FINAL --
>> ALICIA MACHADO. >> I'M SORRY, WHAT WAS THAT?
WHO IS ALICIA MACHADO? >> THANK YOU FOR BRINGING THAT
UP, LESTER. [ LAUGHTER ]
SHE IS A STRONG, BEAUTIFUL, POLITICAL PROP THAT I ALMOST
FORGOT TO MENTION TONIGHT, EVEN THOUGH WE ALREADY MADE A WEB
VIDEO ABOUT HER. ALICIA MACHADO WAS MISS UNIVERSE
IN 1996. >> WHERE'D YOU FIND THIS?
>> AND DONALD TRUMP CALLS HER MISS PIGGY.
>> HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS? >> AND MISS HOUSEKEEPING.
>> THAT'S PRETTY FUNNY. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> MR. TRUMP, YOUR RESPONSE? >> LESTER, WHY ARE WE TALKING
ABOUT THIS WOMAN? WE SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT THE
IMPORTANT ISSUES, LIKE ROSIE O'DONNELL.
AND HOW SHE'S A FAT LOSER. EVERYONE AGREES WITH ME AND I
WANTED TO BRING THAT UP IN A PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE RIGHT AT THE
END, MY OWN VOLITION, GOOD IDEA, I DID IT.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> SECRETARY CLINTON, WHY ARE
YOU CRYING? >> I -- I'M SORRY, LESTER.
THIS IS GOING SO WELL. [ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S GOING EXACTLY HOW I'D ALWAYS DREAMED.
>> OKAY. NOW IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON TO THE
CLOSING STATEMENTS. SECRETARY CLINTON, YOU'RE FIRST.
>> LISTEN, AMERICA. I GET IT.
YOU HATE ME. [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU HATE MY VOICE. AND YOU HATE MY FACE.
WELL, HERE'S A TIP. IF YOU NEVER WANT TO SEE MY FACE
AGAIN, ELECT ME PRESIDENT, AND I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL LOCK MYSELF
IN THE OVAL OFFICE AND NOT COME OUT FOR FOUR YEARS.
BUT IF YOU DON'T ELECT ME, I WILL CONTINUE TO RUN FOR
PRESIDENT UNTIL THE DAY I DIE. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND I WILL NEVER DIE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> MR. TRUMP. FINAL REMARKS.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, LESTER? I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING
EXTREMELY ROUGH TO HILLARY TONIGHT.
BUT I SAID TO MYSELF, I CAN'T DO IT, I JUST CAN'T DO IT.
BUT IF I HAD SAID IT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A NUCLEAR BOMB.
BECAUSE IN THE '90s, OUR PRESIDENT WAS A MAN NAMED BILL
CLINTON. NOT MANY PEOPLE KNOW THIS, BUT
THAT MAN IS HER HUSBAND. [ LAUGHTER ]
IN 1998, GET THIS, HE HAD AN AFFAIR.
IT'S TRUE. MY INVESTIGATORS ARE LOOKING
INTO IT RIGHT NOW. IT WAS A WOMAN, IT WAS A WOMAN
NAMED MONICA. VERY HEAVY.
I DON'T HAVE HER LAST NAME YET BUT WHEN I GET IT, I'M GOING TO
SET MY ALARM FOR 3:20 A.M. AND GO SIT ON MY GOLDEN TOILET BOWL
AND TWEET ABOUT IT UNTIL COMPLETION.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> OH MY GOD.
JUST TO REMIND EVERYBODY AT HOME, THIS WAS A PRESIDENTIAL
DEBATE. ANY FINAL WORDS?
>> LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!