- But we've started sort of
spicing things up in the bedroom.
There's different ways you can do this
as I'm sure you know.
The first way you can do is you can have a shower.
A nice couple here in the front.
Have you ever had a shower together?
Yes. Oh, he thinks you might and she doesn't.
(audience laughing)
The first thing I said to my fella, I said, "You know what?"
He was going in the shower and I said,
"Maybe you'd like some company."
And he said,
"Just give us five minutes to love wash me ass."
(audience laughing)
But whenever we have a shower
it always starts off really well.
And then halfway through I realise
this is just cleaning and now isn't it?
(audience laughing)
There's nothing sexy going on anymore.
(audience laughing)
It's funny, he says the words, "Arms up."
(audience laughing)
But he is very thorough.
(audience laughing)
All the things you can do. You can get dressed up as well.
Got a nice couple in the middle here.
Have you ever dressed up a fella?
Have you ever dressed up like in an outfit, right?
No, you haven't. How old are you guys?
- I'm 38.
- [Sarah] 38. You see, 'cause I'm much older than you guys.
So late 60s, early 70s.
And you can always tell when a couple
have been together too long,
they have that sort of, empty, sad,
(audience laughing)
hollow expression.
And what happens is, the way you can tell is
when you ask them how long they've been together
and before they do a number,
they always do a little horse impression.
So you go, "How long have you two been together?"
And they go-
(exhaling and sputtering) (audience laughing)
30 years, 40 years, fuck knows.
(audience laughing) So I asked the old man, I said,
"Have you ever dressed up like in an outfit
or a uniform for sex?"
And he went, "No."
So I looked at his good lady and I said,
"Is there anything you'd like him to wear in bed?"
And she went, "A shroud."
(audience laughing)
But I also asked a young lad, much younger than you.
So he was 16 or 17 and I shouldn't have been talking
to a 16 year old boy about sex.
But I just thought it would give us something
to rub me button to later on.
(audience laughing)
But people know what that is, don't they?
Some people have different names for it.
My friend said, "What's rubbing your button?"
And I had to do a little action,
(audience laughing) and she said,
"Oh you mean, checking your lettuce?"
(audience laughing)
Dunno what that is.
But this young lad, 16 year old,
of course he'd never dressed up for sex.
Just having sex is excellent.
But asked him if he was gonna get dressed up
what would he dress up as?
And he went, "Fireman, fireman."
"Oh, oh! Spider-Man. Spider-Man."
(audience laughing)
Now we're not talking about sex anymore
it's just pyjamas.
(audience laughing)
I was gonna say that I've dressed up but I haven't really,
it's slightly different.
I was once on top
and he tried to put a sock on one of me boobs.
(audience laughing)
It's not the same thing is it?
No girl ever wants to hear
that her boobs are lovely and long.
(audience laughing)
And it stayed on as well
and I wasn't sure whether to be pleased or not.
(audience laughing)
Are there things you can do?
You can use food. Let's get, what about fella on the end?
What kind of food do you think you could use in sex?
- Ice cream.
- [Sarah] Ice cream's a good answer.
What about nice fella in the nice chequered shirt?
What kind of food do you think?
- Chocolate. - [Sarah] Chocolate.
Somebody shouted cucumber.
(audience laughing)
Ice cream and chocolate and what about,
what about nice fella here?
What kind of food do you think to use in sex?
- [Audience Member] Absolutely no idea.
- Absolutely no idea. (audience laughing)
Oh look at his wife's face.
(audience laughing) To be honest he looks quite happy
like they haven't even needed that.
(laughing) We haven't got to that stage
that you are at with your boyfriend in five years.
Fuck off.
(audience laughing)
'Cause I like asking fellas
'cause fellas comes out with a wide variety
of interesting answers.
I've stopped asking ladies, no offence to the ladies
but ladies always say chocolate.
Chocolate sauce, chocolate cream.
Fucking hell put a Twix up there, whatever.
(audience laughing)
As long as I can have a chocolate bag afterwards.
(audience laughing)
But I asked a man recently
what kind of food he had used in sex and he said noodles.
(audience laughing)
And I had a bloke say, "Chips" and a bloke say, "Curry."
And I think generally men are picking things
they are probably gonna have for their tea anyway.
(audience laughing)
Just using their partners as plates.
(audience laughing)
But I asked an old man,
couldn't resist an old man in his 80s.
I said, "What kind of food you think would be good to use?"
And he said, ice cream and ice cream's are good.
So the classic answer.
But it wasn't so much the answer he gave
was the noise that he made while he was thinking.
'Cause he went like this. (smacking lips)
(audience laughing)
What was he thinking?!
While he did that noise,
"What goes well with vagina?
(audience laughing)
(smacking lips) "Ice cream."
(audience laughing)
And my favourite answer was, a guy just said cream.
He said cream and he went like that, like squirty.
(audience laughing)
And I thought well obviously
you're not just gonna spoon it out there.
(audience laughing)
But he catches it in all the right places.
(audience laughing)
Then he went like this.
He went, "Pack her full."
(audience laughing) - Oh!
I'm so glad that you're as horrified as I was.
Pack her full.
To be fair, he was a plasterer.
(audience laughing)
Just smooth that over.
(audience laughing)
Not get any more by that from that crack.
(audience laughing)
But the last thing you can do is you can do dirty talk.
We thought we'd give it a go.
We'd never done it to previous partners.
We thought we'd give it a go.
And I said well, start off, you know
'cause you know, (audience laughing)
an independent woman.
I don't do that. That'd be a really weird way
of starting off wouldn't it? (laughing)
I'm ready.
(audience laughing)
And I didn't know what you're supposed to say.
And I just said went, "Ooh, uh."
(anxiously exhales) "Um I've been a bad girl?"
(audience laughing)
"I'm sorry about that."
(audience laughing)
And he just went, "Apology accepted."
(audience laughing)
But recently we've had a bit more practise
and he started off and he went,
"You've been such a bad girl,
(giggling) (audience laughing)
but I think I'm gonna have to punch you."
(audience laughing)
He's gone too far there hasn't he?
(audience laughing)
But I misheard him he hadn't said punch.
He said punish.
Which apparently is entirely acceptable
in terms of sexy lingo. (audience laughing)
I hadn't really thought it through 'cause I said,
"What kind of punishment did you have in mind?"
He said, "Do the dishes!"
(audience laughing)
Hi, I'm Sarah Millican
and thanks very much for watching my video.
I'm on tour at the moment
with a show called "Bobby Dazzler."
To find out where I'm going and when,
go to sarahmillican.co.uk.
Thanks! Bye!