WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
THERE HAS BEEN A WHOLE LOT OF TALK ABOUT DONALD TRUMP'S
FITNESS FOR OFFICE LATELY WITH THE BOOK THAT'S OUT THERE AND
THE RUMORS.
HE TOOK A PHYSICAL LAST FRIDAY-- LAST FRIDAY-- AND TODAY, A FEW
MINUTES AGO, WE GOT THE RESULTS FROM HIS DOCTOR, RONNY JACKSON.
RIGHT OFF THE BAT, THE DOCTOR BROKE BIG NEWS.
>> THE HEART EXAM WAS NORMAL.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: SO DESPITE ALL
EVIDENCE, DONALD TRUMP DOES HAVE A HEART.
AND THE DOCTOR COVERED THE BASICS:
>> VITALS AS FOLLOWS: AGE 71 YEARS AND SEVEN MONTHS AT THE
TIME OF THE EXAM.
HEIGHT 75 INCHES, WEIGHT 239 POUNDS.
>> Stephen: OKAY, WITH THE PRESIDENT BEING 6'3", 239.
ACCORDING TO THE BODY MASS INDEX BY THE FEDERAL HEALTH AND HUMAN
SERVICES DEPARTMENT, TRUMP IS OVERWEIGHT AND JUST ONE POUND
SHY OF OBESITY.
ONE POUND!
>> Jon: ONE POUND.
>> Stephen: SHORT OF BEING OBESE.
THAT'S AWFULLY CONVENIENT.
"LISTEN, DOC, I DON'T WANT TO BE OBESE.
BUT I FEEL LIKE THIS WAD OF CASH IS ABOUT ONE POUND, WHY DON'T
YOU TAKE THAT OFF MY HANDS AND WEIGH ME AGAIN?"
AND WE LEARNED-- I'LL TAKE THAT BACK.
AND WE LEARNED A LITTLE BIT ABOUT SOME MEDICINE THE
PRESIDENT'S BEEN TAKING.
>> HIS MEDICATIONS AS FOLLOWS: HE TAKES CRESTOR, 10 MILLIGRAMS
DAILY TO LOWER HIS CHOLESTEROL.
HE TAKES ASPIRIN, 81 MILLIGRAMS DAILY FOR CARDIAC HEALTH.
HE TAKES PROPECIA, 1 MILLIGRAM DAILY FOR PREVENTION OF MALE
PATTERN HAIR LOSS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HAIR LOSS?
THAT'S IMPORTANT.
BECAUSE IF HE LOSES THAT ONE HAIR HE'S PILED UP THERE, HE'LL
BE COMPLETELY BALD.
AND DR. JACKSON HAD A STRONG ANSWER FOR PEOPLE QUESTIONING
THE PRESIDENT'S FITNESS FOR OFFICE.
>> HE IS FIT FOR DUTY.
I THINK HE'LL REMAIN FIT FOR DUTY FOR THE REMAINDER OF THIS
TERM AND EVEN FOR THE REMAINDER OF ANOTHER TERM, IF HE IS
ELECTED.
>> Stephen: THOSE ARE THE WORDS THAT ARE JUST HARD TO HEAR FROM
FROM A DOCTOR.
"I'M SORRY, HE'S GOT SEVEN YEARS LEFT TO SERVE."
( LAUGHTER ) AND HERE'S THE THING: REPORTERS
SEEMED KIND OF DISAPPOINTED THERE WASN'T MORE BAD NEWS, AND
THEY COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY.
>> CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO ME HOW A GUY WHO EATS McDONALD'S AND
FRIED CHICKEN AND ALL THOSE DIET COKES AND WHO NEVER EXERCISES IS
IN AS GOOD A SHAPE AS YOU SAY HE'S IN?
>> IT'S CALLED GENETICS.
I DON'T KNOW.
SOME PEOPLE HAVE, YOU KNOW, JUST GREAT GENES.
>> Stephen: OKAY, GREAT GENES.
BUT HE CAN'T FIT IN THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, THE BIGGEST QUESTION
GOING INTO THE EXAM WAS ABOUT TRUMP'S SUPPOSEDLY DECLINING
MENTAL HEALTH, AND THE DOCTOR SHUT THAT TALK DOWN.
>> THERE'S NO INDICATION WHATSOEVER THAT HE HAS ANY KIND
OF COGNITIVE ISSUES.
IT HAS BEEN MY EXPERIENCE THE PRESIDENT, YOU KNOW, HE'S VERY
SHARP.
AND, YOU KNOW, HE'S VERY ARTICULATE WHEN HE SPEAKS TO ME.
>> Stephen: "AND IT IS WITH THE UTMOST CONFIDENCE THAT I
ASSURE YOU THE PRESIDENT HAS NO COGNITIVE ISSUES.
HE'S JUST VERY, VERY STUPID."
( LAUGHTER ) "REAL DUMB."
NOW, THE DOCTOR--
YAY FOR STUPID!
THESE FANS.
THE DOCTOR SUMMED UP BY DESCRIBING TRUMP'S UNIQUE
PSYCHOLOGICAL PROPERTIES.
>> HE HAS A VERY UNIQUE ABILITY TO JUST GET UP IN THE MORNING
AND RESET.
HE HAS A UNIQUE ABILITY TO PUSH THE RESET BUTTON, AND HE GETS UP
AND HE STARTS A NEW DAY.
>> Stephen: THAT RESET BUTTON IS NOT ON HIS DESK, RIGHT?
BECAUSE HE COULD GET UP AND ACCIDENTALLY START THE LAST DAY.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THE NEXT DI GUY THE DOCTOR
MIGHT WANT TO LOOK AT IS ORRIN HATCH.
HE'S ABOUT TO READ SOMETHING AND HE TAKES OFF HIS GLASSES, WHICH
HE'S NOT WEARING.
>> Jon: WHOA!
>> Stephen: JIM, CAN WE SEE THAT AGAIN, PLEASE?
WATCH THE FOLLOW-THROUGH.
HE KNOWS HE DOESN'T HAVE THEM ON, BUT HE KEEPS PUTTING THEM
DOWN.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I REALLY LIKE THIS PART-- I LIKE THIS PART.
HE DOES THIS.
HE REACHES FOR THEM, VERY QUICKLY REALIZES THERE'S NOTHING
IN HIS HANDS, BUT KEEPS GOING TO PUT THEM DOWN.
AS A PERFORMER, THAT'S ADMIRABLE OBJECT WORK.
BRAVO, SIR!
YOU SHOULD GO INTO MIME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.