(drum beats)
- I truly didn't realize how hard it'd be to take care
of little ones, really.
Cause you know, when people are like,
what's motherhood like?
I'm just like, I feel like a shoe caught in a dryer.
(audience laughing)
You know, I'm just like, (bang, bang, bang, bang, bang)
(audience laughing)
I'm so tired.
And these little babies were born in January,
in the dead of winter and they were premature
four and five pounds.
So we couldn't leave them for awhile.
And we would just like sit on the couch and rock them
and look at each other, trying not to fall asleep.
And like, after a while I feel like I just turned
into a scene from The Hateful Eight.
(audience laughing)
I was just looking at my husband, rocking a baby.
I was like, who gonna go for provisions?
(audience laughing)
He's so great, you're so tired.
Like, I remember in the middle of the night
I was changing one of the babies and I opened up
the diaper and just start to cry, cry.
I was like, baby girl, you have a penis!
Cry, and my Mom says that's the boy! Oh!
(audience laughing)
I didn't know.
And husband, he so sweet, you know, obviously
this is his first time, so it was very nice.
I remember the first time I left for work, he was like,
okay, so I guess I'm on daddy duty right now?
I was like for all of time.
(audience laughing)
All of time.
Look at the time, look at the time, look at all of time
mother fucker daddy duty, all,
(cheering, clapping)
all the time.
Daddy duty all the time.
It doesn't stop!
- I have a beautiful daughter who's British and I really
recommend having an English child.
It's like having a tiny ineffective Butler at home.
(audience laughing)
She's got me feeling like the Fresh Prince all day.
Just like, oh, I'm ever so sorry Mummy,
I appear to have mashed Nutella into the carpet again.
Yeah, you did, you're the shitiest Butler in the world,
but I love you.
And Hey, where's Mummy's drink though, Where is it?
Oh I do apologize Mummy, would you like
a day wine or night wine?
Isn't that so cute, she thinks white wine is for the day
and red wine is for the night.
(audience laughing)
And she's not wrong is she?
She's a very, very perceptive little girl.
You really want to mess with her head
ask for a wine about 5:30.
She just looks at the sun like, oh goodness me,
(audience laughing)
would you ladies like a rose? Fuck off!
We're not in France.
She's a wonderful child. She's absolutely wonderful.
And she's the kind of kid that stitches you up.
She never has a tantrum, she's very polite,
but if she is mad at me
she'll just wait three days till we go visiting friends.
And she'll say to them, have you got any apples?
I haven't had an apple in weeks. Lie.
(audience laughing)
Just to lie, she'll say my Mummy hides wine in the walls.
(audience laughing)
You know, that's a wine rack, I'm not hiding it there.
That's where it goes.
- I'm a shit Dad.
Do you remember when you were a kid and you'd hear
your parents talking about really bad parents?
Like, oh my gosh, Amy Steven's mom was drunk,
dropping her off at school the other day.
And you're like, whoa, how does that happen?
And then you become a parent, you're like, oh,
I know how that happens.
(audience laughing)
I've definitely been there.
Stopped drinking at three, wake up at seven
for drop-off get in the car.
You're like, whoa, who wants to take an Uber today? Huh?
We can get donuts if we don't tell mom about it.
This is how bad of a parent I am.
I went to a parent teacher conference,
stayed out until four in the morning, conference starts
at 7:30 in the morning.
I wake up, I'm like, oh fuck,
I make a cup of coffee, I grab two diet Cokes,
go to the parent-teacher conference, kill the coffee
before the conference even starts.
Sit down to the conference, crack my diet Coke,
take a sip and realize I have a Coors Light.
(audience laughing)
That is a game time decision gentlemen.
The second I felt the beer touch my tongue, Whoa.
That's like a finger in your ass in an orgy.
(audience laughing)
What kind of man are you?
Do you pull away from it or do you push back into it?
(audience laughing)
Yeah, I pushed back into it
and I killed that fucking Coors Light.
(cheering, clapping)