Popular parenting methods are changing all of the time. But what types of
parenting are really the most effective? I feel like we keep trying new things
every couple of years. One year we've got somebody telling us to be our child's
friend. 5 years later we have somebody saying, "No, we need to be a tiger, mama. Oh,
no. Now, we need to be a free-range person. No, now we need to be more of a
helicopter. Or maybe it's don't be a helicopter." There are so many different
titles and descriptions of parenting. Really, what do we have to choose from?
Well, in this video, we are going to be talking about what types of parenting
there are and which ones are the most effective.
Lucky for us, parenting can be broken into 3 different types of parenting.
Or a combination of those types of parenting. In this video, we're going to
talk about those 3 different types of parenting. Which one is the most
effective and how to properly use that style of parenting? Probably the most
colorful parenting stories come from the type of parenting that we call belief
fear-based. Or you might call it authoritarian or authoritative or
militant or there's many different terms that a person could use for this type of
parenting. But for this, we're going to call it bully fear-based parenting. I feel
like that describes at the very best. Because parental authority is a must.
Everyone needs to have and maintain their parents Authority. But they need to
do it through gentleness, through persuasion, not through aggression. Fear
tactics, domination. You can see how those words just saying them don't have the
type of feeling of what you'd want for your home, right? Of course not. We want to
have homes where people feel united and close. Have open conversation. Have goals
and and dreams that they share together. We want to live in an environment where
people have purpose as a group. Not just to get through to the next stage.
Sometimes that's what it feels like when you're with a bully fear-based parent.
Like they don't even appreciate the fact that they are a parent. They don't like
the opportunity to teach another person. It's somehow a burden to them. It gets in
the way that people don't seem to be doing what they wish that those people
would do often enough. That they have to control everybody else. So, that
requires nagging and it requires making threats
to the people and upping consequences more intense, more intense, more intense.
taking things away. It really feels like a battle mentality. In fact, the bully
fear-based parents sees themself as the person who has to
maintain the top of the hill as if they were fighting a battle. Parenting
shouldn't feel that way. If it does, it's going to take years off of your life. Maybe
people think that that's what parenting is supposed to do. But for me, it fuels me.
Moments I spend with my children are the things that give me my power. They give
me my peace, my happiness. And it's not just because I'm weird. Which maybe I am.
But it's because I've chosen to deliberately decide how I'm going to
communicate with them and parent them. Instead of just go with whatever my
emotions tell me to do. Which is what bully fear-based parents do. The second
type of parenting is modern progressive parenting. Now, this could be called
passive parenting. It can be called permissive parenting. It could be called
be-their-friend parenting. Because that's the type of parenting it is. And there
have been many movements over the years where people go from bully fear-based
societies to permissive parenting societies. Well, everyone who takes the
permissive parenting tract thinks they're doing their child a favor.
Because they're getting rid of all of the emotions that come with the bully
fear-based. They're not threatening, they think it
feels friendly and kind. They dote on their children, they give their children
lots of opportunities, they pay for their children to go to all kinds of classes
and different things. So, they do many nice things for their children. Just like
they would do for a good friend. The problem was this type of parenting is
the leader gets lost. There isn't really one. When you're trying to achieve
friendship with your children, you lose any leadership. So, you lose your parent
authority. And this is why so many people have gone back in recent years to more
authoritarian-type parenting practices that involve spanking and yelling and
threatening. And they feel validated in it because they see that the ones that
are raised in these permissive families where the parents are trying to
be the child's friend are doing a huge disservice to the child. Because the
child is turning out to be selfish, lost. They're not taking a responsibility for
things in their life. They seem to be underdeveloped in a way because
oftentimes they've been babied. And this is true. This happens most frequently in
modern progressive parenting structures. Now, that doesn't mean that a person
couldn't be raised in that structure and still break out of it and be a person
that doesn't fit the mold. That can always happen. We're just looking at the
general outcomes that usually happen with these types of homes and families.
The thing with the modern progressive or permissive and be-their-friend type
parenting is that the child ends up feeling like nobody cares. Amazingly, the
parents doting on them giving them money and all kinds of things. But the child
oftentimes feels like nobody's paying attention and nobody cares. See, the
permissive parent is actually manipulating in their own way. They don't
want to deal with whatever it is. They want the child to take care of it
themselves. They're abdicating (I got it out) their parental role. Anyway, I met a woman
one time and she told me... She said I was raised by that kind of parents. She had
tears in her eyes streaming down her face. When she told me in a whole room of
people this as I was speaking to a group in Las Vegas. She said, "My mother would
not tell me no for anything. She let me do whatever I wanted and told me it was
always my choice. And so, I chose everything that I could think of that
would maybe shock her or get her to care and she never did. She never said
anything. She never stopped me and I have ruined my life. And it has taken me years
to even get to where I am now", she said. All because her mother wouldn't
correct her. And that's what she wanted. That's what really hit me. I thought, "This
woman was trying to get her mother to correct
her. Which is a basic parenting action." But lots of times the modern, progressive
parents won't correct their child unless they think something is illegal. So, they
allow the society to be the authority on what's right and wrong. And they don't
step in unless they will look bad to their friends. Otherwise they let all
kinds of misbehavior go. So, that's modern progressive parenting.
Traditional strict parenting is the third type of parenting. And this
parenting is different than any of the other kinds. With bully_fears-based
parenting the parent is manipulating to get the child to fear them. With modern
progressive parenting, they're on the other end of the spectrum. And they are trying
to be as nice and as compliant I guess or basically letting the child do
whatever they want. You know, they're doing that which is the opposite end of
the spectrum of controlling everything and micromanaging everything. And by the
way, husbands and wives usually, they'll be complimentary. Well one's more one-way.
And ones more another way. They think they need to go clearer to this other
end of the spectrum in order to help the child have a change of heart. When in
reality, the child is lost anywhere in between these 2 different parenting
styles. And that's because anywhere on that spectrum is actually manipulation.
Both of these parents on the spectrum are trying to get the child to just
leave them alone, just take care of things themselves, just do whatever makes
the parent happy. I know that's oversimplified. Obviously, these parents
have hopes and dreams for their children. And they're not just slacking completely
in their duties. But that's how it comes across oftentimes to the child which
then becomes a problem. And the thing is most people who are a bully fear-based
or modern progressive parents don't actually want to be either one of those.
They think they are something else. Which is that third type of parenting called
traditional strict. Traditional strict parenting is not on this
spectrum. It doesn't move back and forth and it's not in the middle of these 2
as many people think it is. It's on a completely different plane. Traditional
strict parenting is so predictable that the child's heart is able to be touched.
And it's principle-based. So, every action that the parent takes,
they are willing to take themselves as well. The parent is the ultimate example
of the type of communication they're hoping that their child has. This is true
leadership parenting. But it requires having a plan, being consistent and
following through. Seeing the value of all parties, not worrying about how you
feel from one minute to the next. But instead staying focused on who you are
as a family, where you're going and the skills you need to get there. When a
parent removes their emotional manipulation from the parenting, then
they can touch the hearts of the people. Because what is the opposite of
manipulation honesty when a person has no manipulation in their parenting or in
their relationships then they can finally have true honesty. And when a
person feels that honesty. Then the hearts bond together.
That's what self-government is all about is learning how to honestly communicate
with each other. So, how do you become this traditional strict type of a parent?
I didn't really know that I was a strict parent until I was asked to be on a BBC
documentary called the World's Strictest Parents. And I know what you're thinking
that doesn't sound like a documentary. It sounds like a reality TV show. And that's
what it was. And you can see it if you go and click the other little show
there in the corner. When I was on that program, I wasn't sure I wanted to be
called strict. Then I looked up the word strict. And it meant a person who governs
themselves by a set of principles. Which means that if I have principles, I live
according to my principles. My practice matches my principles. And I realized, "Oh,
that is me." I've gone through a lot of thinking and
to make sure that the words I say, the corrections I give the teachings, I give
in conversations I have with my family members especially my children are
principled. That's what a traditional strict parent does. They make a plan and
they follow through with that plan. The majority of people want to be
traditional strict. They make plans in their mind like, "Yes, I'm going to be that
type of a principled person." But the problem is they don't oftentimes have
the skills that match their goal. So, then they fall into being a bully fear-based
parent or maybe being a modern progressive parent. And they don't know
how to get out of that trap. nd when bully fear-based doesn't work, they cross
over the spectrum and try to go more toward being their friend. And then when
they feel like that's not working or something really needs to be solved, they
go back to bully fear-based. They get stuck in this spectrum instead of being
able to have their actions match the principles that they hold dear and being
able to be the most effective with their children.
Positional strict parents have skills. There's a really great skill that
everybody needs to know. And that's how to calm down when you're angry. The next
video will teach you how to calm down when you're angry.