AMY GALLO: OK.
I've got good news and bad news about
passive-aggressive coworkers.
First, the bad news.
You can't avoid them.
They're in practically every workplace,
and even great colleagues sometimes
act passive-aggressively.
And guess what.
You have probably behaved passive-aggressively
at some point too.
I know I have.
The good news, your colleague is probably not
being a jerk on purpose.
And if you can understand a little bit
about what motivates them, your relationship
will be a lot less painful.
I'm going to show you what makes them tick
and then share some tips for getting along with them.
We've all worked with that person.
You know the one.
They commit to doing something in a meeting
and then never follow through, or that email they promise just
never shows up, or maybe they pay you a compliment, which
is really just a disguised insult. So they might say,
you have such a relaxed style, which truly means,
I think you're lazy.
They might roll their eyes at you
or give you the cold shoulder.
But then, when you ask them, what's wrong,
they say, nothing.
It's all in your head.
It is so frustrating.
These are all behaviors that you would consider
passive-aggressive, but let's define that term a little more
clearly.
Your coworker is behaving passive-aggressively
when they're not forthcoming about what they're truly
thinking and instead use indirect methods to convey
their thoughts or feelings.
To work harmoniously with them, we
need to know why they're behaving that way.
GABRIELLE ADAMS: Passive-aggressiveness
is one of those behaviors that people
use when they think that they're trying
to cushion feedback or soften a blow
or they don't want to offend.
AMY GALLO: That's Gabe Adams, a professor
at the University of Virginia, and she
studies this exact topic.
GABRIELLE ADAMS: It can also just come from a place of,
I don't want to take the time to get
into a conflict with someone or have a confrontation.
AMY GALLO: In addition to avoiding conflict,
Gabe says that sometimes colleagues
slip into passive-aggressive behavior
because it feels like it might be their only option.
GABRIELLE ADAMS: On the communicator's end,
they can think of a whole bunch of situational reasons
why they might want to be indirect.
For example, they're relatively powerless in a situation,
they don't feel like they have much of a voice or much
of a say in a decision, that they can't come
in strong and hard and direct.
And so, as a result, they come across
in a way that feels passive-aggressive.
AMY GALLO: So they may not be doing it for harmful reasons,
and they may not even realize that they're being indirect.
They may be trying to avoid saying no or being honest
about what they're feeling.
Their behavior is often driven by common fears
like the fear of rejection or a desire for something
like the desire to be perfect.
With all that in mind, here are some tips
for dealing with your passive-aggressive coworker.
Tip one-- avoid calling them passive-aggressive.
It's a loaded phrase.
And besides, they probably don't think of themselves
as passive-aggressive.
Chances are it's going to make them angry or more defensive.
Instead, try to understand what's going on with them.
Rather than saying, you're being a passive-aggressive jerk,
try saying, I notice that you never responded to my email
and you never followed up after that meeting
like you said you would.
What's going on?
And don't try to label their feelings.
Don't tell them they're angry or upset.
Chances are you're going to get it wrong anyway.
Show genuine concern rather than trying to label their behavior.
Tip two-- focus on what they're trying to say.
When they're being passive-aggressive,
they're actually trying to tell you something.
While their message may be wrapped
in a snarky comment or a rude email,
you want to try to get to the heart of what they're really
trying to say.
Away from the situation, take time to think through,
what's the underlying idea?
What do they care about?
What are they trying to tell me?
Do they think that the way I'm running this project
isn't working, or do they disagree
about the team's goals?
Once you have an idea about what they might be thinking,
test it out.
Respectfully and without judgment, ask what's going on.
You're basically trying to give them
a way to express themselves that's not indirect and not
rude but just straightforward.
Don't think of this as letting your coworker off the hook
for their bad behavior.
See it as a way to nudge them into more
productive interactions.
Tip three-- don't take the bait.
I don't know about you, but most of the passive-aggressive jabs
I get from coworkers come via Slack or email or even text
message.
These are all horrible mediums for any difficult conversation,
but especially one with a passive-aggressive coworker.
It is so tempting to strike back and say rude things as well.
I've done it many times, and I've always regretted it.
If your coworker makes jabs in writing,
keep your responses professional and short.
For example, if your coworker writes, I'm not sure
if you saw my last email, period,
you can respond with a simple, thanks for the reminder.
If they write, as we discussed earlier,
and then they go on to recap a conversation you both know
you had, you can respond with, I appreciate that we're still
on the same page.
Model the respectful candor that you wish your colleague
would show.
The best thing you can do, though,
resist the urge to reply in text or email at all.
Instead, pick up the phone or have a video call
or just walk by their desk.
If they can't hide behind a screen,
they'll have to be more direct with you.
Tip four-- get support from the team.
It's easier to get caught up in a never-ending
back and forth of, you're mad, no, I'm not,
when it's just the two of you, so
enlist the help of your teammates.
You don't want to gang up on anyone,
but you don't have to go it alone either.
Start by asking others if they're noticing the same
behaviors that you're noticing.
Frame it is an attempt to constructively improve
your relationship so it doesn't come off as gossip
or bad-mouthing your coworker.
You might ask something like, how did Sean's comment land
with you?
How did you interpret that?
If your teammates confirm that the behavior is
counterproductive, you can then decide together how to proceed.
For example, it might help to set guidelines for how everyone
on your team will interact.
So if, for example, your colleague
fails to follow through on what they say they're going to do,
you can agree collectively that everyone
has to commit at the end of the meeting
verbally to what they promise to do.
You might also take notes on who's agreed to do what
and by when so you can circulate those notes to everyone
afterwards.
If your colleague later denies that they
agreed to do something or fails to follow through,
you can rely on the team to hold them accountable.
Even the worst offenders are likely to give in
to peer pressure and public accountability.
By making it a whole-team policy,
it prevents the passive-aggressive coworker
from feeling singled out and getting more defensive.
Dealing with a passive-aggressive coworker
is tough.
Your relationship with this person
is unlikely to change overnight.
Remember, don't take it personally.
You may feel targeted, but chances are they treat others
similarly, and it's probably more about them
than it is about you.
Here are the key points to remember.
Avoid the label.
It doesn't help, and they probably
don't recognize their behavior as passive-aggressive.
Instead, ask why they may be acting the way they are.
Focus on what they're trying to say rather than their behavior.
Test it out by asking them if you correctly
understand their thinking.
Don't take the bait by responding
to snarky emails or texts.
Model respectful candor and have a phone, video,
or in-person chat instead.
Get support from the team.
You don't need to deal with a passive-aggressive colleague
alone.
Positive peer pressure can go a long way.
All of the tips I've just shared come
from my book Getting Along--
How to Work with Anyone, Even Difficult
People, which we'll link in the description below.
If you have an idea about how to best work
with a passive-aggressive colleague or a topic
that you'd like us to cover in an upcoming HBR video,
let us know in the comments below.
Thanks for watching.