Dear Game Freak slash Nintendo slash whoever owns whatever Pokemon games these days,
Hi! It's me! Austin! Remember?
The guy... the one who proved poke balls are murder due to the "No cloning" theorem of quantum mechanics.
Or that Pikachu should be a giant fat blob in order to make those lightning shocks?
I'm back! To ruin your day.
Because I love nothing more than ruining things I love to reasons unbeknownst to both me and my therapist!
In any case, this week I'm back to talking about Pokeballs, because these things are frickin' complicated.
And because on my last video covering the topic everyone rushed to correct me on my explanation for how Pokeballs work in the realm of physics.
It ain't quantum mechanics, my viewers told me, it's light!
Pokeballs turn Pokemon into light.
Well, dang!
All right, let's do this!
Or at least I thought we were gonna do this..
I had all my research done ready to BLOW YOUR MINDS
About the weird properties of photons in a container and inertial mass,
The only known method for turning matter directly into light
And the horrifying implications and death that those practices would unbearably cause everyone.
In fact, I was so happy about this topic that I gleefully told MatPat about it
And he asked me one, offhanded question that screwed everything up.
"Did you double check that that's really canon?"
*sigh*
Yeah, I was just casually, and kinda smugly telling him about my topic
And how the process of turning Pokemon into mass would release energy equivalent to over 400 Tzar Bombas,
The strongest hydrogen bombs ever detonated.
When he asked me this one simple question,
"Is this canon?"
And of course, no.
It's not.
Days of research down the drain for NOTHING.
And after that he went on to ask,
"What does this mean for Pokemon who escape capture?"
"Why do they become easier when you beat them up?"
Needless to say, he's right.
Apart from not even being real, game canon,
There's a ton of problems with this theory, but
Eh, screw it, into the trash bin it goes.
But it did get me thinking about Pokeballs
If we just, y'know, accept that they work through the magic of friendship and whatnot,
There's still a ton of unanswered questions.
How does a Pokemon's strength affect how easily it's captured?
Why do you need to beat them within an inch of their lives to increase your chance of catching them?
What's the deal with all these different Pokeball types?
And, perhaps most importantly,
Why does putting a Pokemon inside of a Pokeball allow you to instantly control their every action?
Today, we're gonna get to the truth.
And the truth is, well, you know the rest.
Before I go any further, just a heads up,
I'm gonna be talking about experimentation on animals in a very clinical and nondescript way.
Keep that in mind
Leave, if you need to, or just be ready for it when it comes.
In order to unwrap the terrifying technology of Pokeballs, we're gonna have to start in one place first,
The brain.
Bearing the occasional sentient computer programs,
Sentient alphabet, evil space virus, and gods of the universe,
Pokemon are animals and all animals have brains.
Not all are complex as human brains with our massive Neocortex and 2.5 petabytes of storage space,
But they're there almost exclusively if we expand our definition of brain to include a bundle of neurons or nerves capable of storing information.
Octopuses are pretty cool and that they actually don't store all of their neurons in their brains, but have some in their arms.
Isn't that awesome?
We gotta start here because probably the most important thing a Pokeball does, aside from contain a Pokemon, is control them.
The instant you catch a Pokemon, it's yours.
And, well, the brain controls everything.
Brains are incredibly complex machines and they're some of the oldest tech that we inherit as mammals.
The first fossil evidence for proto brain structures were found in worms over 500 million years ago.
The first brains were effectively invented by evolution just to keep things running properly.
It may not seem like it at first glance, but hearts, lungs, muscles, digestive systems, these things all need to be carefully monitored and controlled.
Plants don't need brains because their systems are less complex and more automated.
But when you work in using oxygen to metabolize sugars to move muscles, things get real complex, really quickly.
And you can't just rely on the structure of the cells themselves to maintain them.
This proto brain eventually evolved into the Limbic System with the Hippocampus and Amygdala
Which is capable of handling spatial learning in fear avoidance, which is a huge asset in a biological system.
This is, more or less what most animals on the Earth have.
With huge diversity from species to species, and arranged in slightly different ways.
But when you get closer to mammals, you start getting your Cerebral Cortex
Which is capable of higher-level thinking and pattern recognition,
And the Neocortex, which is exclusive to mammals and is a freakin beast.
Thumbs get a lot of credit in human evolution, but it's our massive Neocortexes
That allow us to store vast amounts of interwoven patterns that put every other animal to shame.
We'll get to how this applies to Pokemon in a second, but there's one more thing that I have to talk about
Because it's the final piece of the puzzle that, once you understand it,
Take what we know about our brains and how they function across species and put it all together,
You will never, EVER look at Pokeballs the same way again.
Last year, in an interview with Kotaku, Junichi Masuda, Pokemon Sun and Moon producer, gave us the first, and to this date, only glimpse into how Pokeballs work.
Here it is, in his own words,
"It's safe to say that it's very comfortable inside of a Pokeball, it's a very comfortable environment."
"Maybe the equivalent of a high-end suite room in a fancy hotel."
Blurgh, god, that is horrifying.
Oh wait, *chuckle*, you don't know yet.
You don't know what I know.
Okay, well, let's rectify that right now, because we're done burying the lede.
After putting all the pieces together, I've come to the conclusion that Pokeballs can only work
By giving Pokeman severe and debilitating Stockholm Syndrome.
Want proof?
Then come along children because as terrible as that sounds, that's only half of the horrors Pokeballs have waiting for your cute creatures on the inside.
Studies on Stockholm Syndrome are rare and hard to come by.
In fact, strictly speaking, it's not entirely clear that it is an actually unique condition,
or if it's just a subset of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Stockholm Syndrome is just a catchy, medial way to describe it.
But the best study I could find exploring the topic asserts that,
If it is a unique psychiatric condition, or at least a unique subset of PTSD, it only occurs under very specific circumstances with four qualities.
1. The victim experienced direct threats of physical or emotional violence.
2. They are isolated from their peers, or otherwise, restrained.
3. They've had an opportunity to escape, but failed to take it.
And 4. They show sympathy for their captors.
This to a "T" is exactly what happens to a captured Pokemon.
Think about it.
In order to capture a Pokemon, you gotta weaken it by beating the crap out of it.
Biting, clawing, flamethrower-ing, poisoning, these are direct threats to the safety and well-being of the Pokemon in question.
All of these Pokemon are trapped inside a Pokeball.
Some escape, some don't, but it's undeniable.
All successfully captured Pokemon failed to escape and in the end, they work for you.
They'll do whatever you say.
Other studies on Stockholm Syndrome as a subset for PTSD assert that this happens as a preservation tactic
That the need to survive overrides the hatred of a person inflicting harm upon you.
In fact, Stockholm Syndrome is way more likely to take place in instances where captors show perceived compassion or kindness for their victims after originally threatening them.
This creates a positive feedback loop which creates an attachment for the captors.
You know, kinda like beating the crap out of a helpless animal and then tossing it into a Pokeball that resembles a luxury resort.
"But, Austin," I hear you saying,
"PTSD, Stockholm Syndrome, these things are human affliction."
"Soldiers and people who are in horrible situations get them, sure.."
"But animals, and definitely Pokemon, don't."
And that my friend, is where you're dead wrong.
PTSD can have long-lasting, sometimes permanent, effects on people who experience it.
It's not just psychological effects either.
Looking all the way down to biochemistry, PTSD is essentially an overabundance of the stress hormone, cortisol, running rampant in the body.
Cortisol is what's responsible for your fight-or-flight response and, as you can imagine, can be freaking terrible to experience on a day-to-day basis for no reason at all.
Cortisol, aside from creating omnipresent anxiety, can have disastrous physical effects on your body.
Extreme examples being the physical deformities in Cushing Syndrome which is caused by an overactive adrenal gland.
All of our most important research into PTSD come from animal testing which is, y'know, kinda horrifying
Because they literally had to experimentally and systematically traumatize rats and other animals in order to elicit PTSD.
And they discovered that PTSD primarily hides within the Limbic System, specifically the Hippocampus and Brain Stem.
In a little cluster of cells called the Locus Coeruleus which is responsible for creating and distributing neurotransmitters throughout the body.
And if you'll remember from earlier, the Limbic System is one of the oldest pieces of brain tech that exists.
It's the basic stuff that just about everything with moving parts has
Which means, almost any animal that is susceptible to fear is susceptible to PTSD.
And, this, this is the most important piece that explains everything.
Pokeballs are capable of mimicking a luxury resort scenario, but I have to believe that they do way, way more than that.
In order to keep Pokemon docile and contained, they would have to continuously bathe them in stimuli that keeps their fear and anxiety levels high.
This is why they're always ready to fight.
Their bodies are flooded with Cortisol all the time.
And yeah, Cortisol can cause physical deformities in high doses,
But y'know what prevents Cortisol metabolization into muscle and fat tissue, Anabolic Steroids.
This is exactly why Anabolic Steroids promote strong muscle growth.
Cortisol causes wasting, Anabolic Steroids say, "Get outta here Cortisol!"
And to boot, captured Pokemon are always stronger than wild Pokemon of the same level.
This is why Pokeballs are freakin dope dens designed to psychologically manipulate
And suppress the will of Pokemon so they will always be willing participants in the weird, dog-fighting based economy of the world of Pokemon.
And this is why different Pokeballs are more effective than others.
While anything with a Limbic System is susceptible to PTSD conditioning and Stockholm Syndrome,
Not all Nervous Systems are exactly identical.
So some Pokeballs say, "Ones meant to capture bugs are more tweaked to their specific biochemistry."
This is exactly why Pokeballs don't always work.
Whenever a Pokemon breaks free of a Pokeball, they're saying, "Sorry bro, you can't control me! You don't own me! I am my own Pokeperson!"
That is, until you beat them up a bit more until their legs don't work.
At the end of the day, whether they're quantam entanglement devices that break down Pokemon on a molecular level
Or they're just magic balls filled with mind-altering drugs and horrific brain pictures like "Clockwork Orange,"
Pokeballs are at their core manipulative, abusive, cruel devices of torture that exists to pacify animals
And turn them into bloodthirsty killers ready to fight anything their masters demand them to at a moment's notice.
No freaking wonder Pikachu won't get back inside his Pokeball,
He is one, smart rat!
Sincerely, Austin
*Mumbling and singing the Pokemon Theme Song*
Bom, bom bom!
Oh!
Hi there!
It's me! Austin!
Not ShoddyCast and not MatPat with a cold.
I just want to talk to you really quickly because on my last video, I made a joke that some of you, maybe, took a little bit too seriously.
Although, I do appreciate your support.
Last video, I made a joke covering my bleeps with a hashtag I saw in the comments, #LetAustinCurse.
And it bloomed into a pseudo conspiracy theory about, man, I don't even know.
Anyway, I'm not swearing anymore because Youtube is changing their policies to start pulling ads from videos with too much swearing.
But that doesn't mean we can't Battlestar Galactica and Firefly our way out of this fracking problem, which is where you come in.
Every week, whenever I feel the need to express my sever displeasure or pain at the horror that is video game science,
I'm gonna use profanity that you guys come up with.
It can be Shakespeary, it can be complete nonsense, it can be an obscure 1920's hobbity gook.
The only parameters is that it has to be PG and definitely not racist.
Just type it down in the comment section below. Get swearing!
*Falls down and almost curses*
Thank you everyone for watching my video on Pokeballs, which is technically my second video on Pokeballs.
But I can probably do, like 15, videos on Pokeballs.
Be sure to subscribe to The Game Theorists, if you have not yet.
Do it this instant!
And, uh, watch some of these other videos that Matt did about Pokemon
Watch some of my videos on the channel
And follow me on Twitter @arhourigan, if you want to see my explanation for how Pokeballs would work if they did turn Pokemon into light,
It's not really a video idea, but it's some cool science anyway
And I'll be going over it today, right now, I'll be going over it, so head on over there.