-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show,"
ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you for being here. Thank you for watching.
[ Cheers and applause ] Well, this is nice.
Today, President Biden hosted The White House's first-ever
Rosh Hashanah party to celebrate the Jewish new year.
Yeah. I think Biden was confused because he ended his speech
by saying, "Now let's watch Ryan Seacrest do the countdown."
And you go, "No."
Yeah, they celebrated today,
even though Rosh Hashanah was Monday.
That's like setting off fireworks on the Ninth of July.
You know what I'm saying? It's fun, but is it...
But it was a nice party, although it got awkward when
Biden was offered challah and said,
"You want me to speak louder?
I want that bread you're holding.
Holla at your boy, Jack."
Then, a few hours later, the president hosted a reception for
Hispanic Heritage Month.
Biden's staff was like, "Hey, might as well
knock out all the cringey gaffes in one day.
You know what I'm saying?"
Biden held events for the Jewish New Year
and Hispanic Heritage Month.
Staffers watched Biden the way Aaron Judge's mom
nervously watches his at bats.
Like, "Come on, buddy. You can do this.
You can do this. Don't mess..."
Well, get this -- in a televised address,
Vladimir Putin admitted that Russia made mistakes
in how they drafted troops for the war.
And then Putin broke into the most depressing version of
"My Way" you've ever heard.
He's like...
[ Russian accent ] ♪ Regrets, I have a few ♪
♪ But, then again, too few to mention ♪
[ Normal voice ] Meanwhile today, Putin illegally claimed
four regions of Ukraine as part of Russia.
And to celebrate, Putin and a few other leaders
had a pretty interesting handshake.
Take a look at this.
[ Applause ]
-Oh! [ Laughter ]
-What? -Oh!
-Rest easy, Russia.
That guy's coordinating your war.
That handshake looked like a sandwich
made up of tiny white sausages, didn't it?
-Ew! -Well, this is big.
Earlier tonight, Elon Musk hosted
Tesla's Artificial Intelligence Day,
and he was expected to unveil Tesla Bot,
a humanoid robot designed to help with
boring, repetitive tasks,
stuff that humans don't want to do anymore.
For example, Tesla Bot can...
or it can...
It can...
Then it can...
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
-Wow!
[ Laughter ]
-Some movie news.
Today, 29 years after the original,
"Hocus Pocus 2" premiered on Disney+.
[ Cheers and applause ]
The movie looks great.
It's about three witches who come back to life
after Lizzo starts playing a 200-year-old flute.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, did you guys see this?
Tomorrow is former president Jimmy Carter's 98th birthday.
-Ooh! -Yeah, and this is exciting.
He's also going to run for a second term.
-Oh. -Yeah.
It's always nice to hear about a famous Jimmy
who doesn't host a late-night talk show, isn't it?
And, finally, I read that a group of paleontologists
just found fish teeth that are 14 million years older
than any teeth found from any other species.
We actually got in contact with the paleontologists
responsible for the find.
Here's what they had to say. The first one said...
This next one said...
And, finally, the last scientist said...