Two minutes until sermon!
Is everything taken care of?
Yes your holiness. One minute people!
You proof-read the pamphlets? You polished the collection plates?
Yes your holiness.
And refreshments for the crew?
Enough wine and crackers to last us til supper.
Magnifico.
Ahem.
Fah fah fah ... fire! Buh buh buh ... brimstone! Brim. Stone.
Can we get a sound check?
Heavenly.
Give em hell sir!
Ahem.
And the Lord said the fearful, the unbelieving, the sorcerers and the idolators
shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone!
Can I get an Amen?
Huh? What's going on?
Did I miss the rapture?
Is this because of those orphans?
Those whore orphans?
The whorphans?
Hello. Are you lost my child? Come in, come in.
Welcome to St. Peter's Basilica.
Oh hello.
Come right in. Maybe we can find you a seat. Something in the front row perhaps?
Well actually I'm just...
I know, lucky you. It's not every day one gets to meet the Pope.
Actually I could use some directions.
Can you tell me where the Science Center is?
The wha?
Oh, you know the building where they talk about how the Earth was made.
Origins of life, natural disasters, that kind of stuff.
Ah, you probably read about it.
Blasphemy!
Let me see that.
Science? And more science!
I thought the church stopped all this nonsense when we locked up Galileo.
And since when do you serfs know how to read the written word?
Oh, never mind. I can see the line from here.
Do you think the Super Science Friends are going to show up?
The museum is being dedicated to them.
Why is Einstein 14?
Science saved my mom!
I ... I don't get it.
What does science have that religion doesn't?
Why, we've got Adam! And Eve!
We've got plagues! Seven of them!
And we've got Noah's Ark too.
You can't tell me they've got anything as good as Noah's Ark.
Yeah, but that all seems a little far fetched. Where's your proof any of it even happened?
Why don't you go back in time and film it?
That's what the Super Science Friends would do!
Hahahahaha
Cardinals.
I've just had some ... divine inspiration.
And it is for those reasons why I named him "Schwancy". Thank you.
Well, um ... that was certainly informative.
Darwin, I believe you're next.
I was going to bring in one of my tortoises, but
something ... uh ... happened ... on the way here.
So instead I chose to share the pets that helped cement my reputation
in the scientific community.
They are various varieties of tanagers.
But you probably know them as...
...Darwin's Finches.
Oooh ... can I hold one?
It was these birds that gave me my first real clue about evolution.
Notice the subtle differences in beak, body size and colour.
After observing this I realized that all species must share these common bonds.
And so I devised this handy diagram.
I call it the "Tree of Life",
as a bit of a ribbing to those holy rollers in Rome.
Look here. You can see that there are even more finches than the ones I brought in today.
For example the tanager family and ... uh...
Hold on. Where are they?
My finches! There should be over a dozen birds right here!
Hey! Don't look at me.
What? What is happening?!
No! No no no.
No not the seals.
No, not the lizards!
Not the snakes!
No, not the tortoises! Anything but the delicious tortoises!
Nooooooo!
Let's go see what's up.
Am I going to get to show off my pet gerbil or what?
His name is Bernie.
Z3. I think there's something going on.
Are you detecting any time anomalies?
Sigh. It's fine. It's not like I was doing anything anyways.
Scanning.
Seems norma... Whoa! Oh my God! Oh Jesus! That is not normal.
There, there Darwin. I'm here for you.
Holy taffy tits!
What the damn devil is going on in that Galapagos Islands?
Super Science Friends, get to the sciencemobile!
The anomaly is originating from 2000 B.C.
Unfortunately, because of the size of the anomaly the closest you'd be able to get to it is about 30 miles off the coast.
So, you are going to need something a little more sea worthy.
Way ahead of you!
Let's go find those birds!
Okay, for the 175th time, let's try to get this Noah's Ark thing right.
You got that doohickey ready?
This time we're gonna try it lion, tiger, then hippo, then baby kangaroos, then elephants.
Got it? You think you can manage that?
Yes your holiness.
Ah, this time I think we've got it.
Oh, dang it to heck!
How many times is it going to take to get this right?
Do we even have any lions left now?
None, sir.
Well at least the Romans won't be feeding any christians to them in a couple thousand years.
There was also a 19th century frigate sailing by in the background,
so the shot was ruined anyway.
What? Where?
Scientists!
They've come to stop us from proving the validity of God's great and holy heavenly word!
Sic semper tyrannis!
Cardinals! Deus vult! Battle stations!
Tally ho!
How dare you dirty lab rats try and stop the will of Almighty God!
It is beautiful, glorious, Godly, divine, God-will
that this ark save all the Earth's animals!
You're literally killing all the Earth's animals.
What else is on this boat?
As long as I was travelling through time proving the word of God,
I figured I'd go ahead and correct a few things while I was at it.
You see, how can there be dinosaur fossils making people ask questions about "evolution"
when the dinosaurs never went extinct!
Mwahahahahaha!
Aw, for God's sake.
Hmm?
Mmm ... nope.
Stand aside beardo.
I got this one.
Whew.
That's right. Come here big bo ... whoa whoa!
Ow! OW! Okay, this was a mistake!
Ow, goddammit. That's gonna be all kinds of bruised up tomorrow.
And God said: I am going to bring floodwaters on the Earth to destroy all life under the heavens.
Everything on Earth will perish!
So are you gonna call me?
Okay, so you have magic God powers. You've proved your point. That's fine.
You were right, we were wrong.
How about you not drown all these animals?
What kind of God would want you to do that?
This is 2000 B.C.
That means this is Old Testament God!
How does it feel Super Science Friends
to have the knowledge that there is more in this universe than your pitiful "science" can explain!
Hahahahahaha!
If you love knowledge so much, then I've got a little piece of...
... the Garden ... of knowledge...
I mean, Garden of Eden ... Tree of Knowledge... for you...
SNAKE IN THE GRASS!
Apple throw!
Jump!
Yeah! Science: 1, Religion: 0. Take that.
Please sweet beautiful glorious Jesus baby.
Come forth from your mangery heaven and aid your blessed servant!
Dammit.
What the f**k.
The one who believes in Me will live,
even though they die.
Well. See you guys in hell.
Did someone call for a Hail Mary?
Admiral ... give em hell.
Get as much as you can!
Mmm ... oh ... that's delicious...
So tender ...
Juicy!
You say your mother left you ... and now you're out here looking for her.
Well ... yes, as a matter of fact I have seen your mother.
Why she's just inside here! That's right. Come on. Just follow me.
Why hello there young man! Welcome to the Church of Teslaology.
Would you care to have your A/C levels audited?
Tesla be with you!