Well,
I was very excited to be invited
to be here in this very prestigious next
to the last "Late Night with Conan O'Brien."
This is a great honor.
I wanted them to feel good today.
I was gonna go to the gym.
I did not go,
but that's okay because I know most
of you did not go either.
Why don't we go?
People want to go to the gym,
but they don't go.
But they prefer to say the word gym.
I hear the word gym
a lot in the day.
People say,
I'm going to the gym.
You want to go to the gym?
Where's the gym.
Is there a gym?
I'm gonna go to the gym.
Do you belong to a gym?
(audience laughing)
Why don't we go to the gym?
Is it the inconvenience?
Is it the exercise?
I think we don't want to stand up,
that's the core issue.
The human body is designed to be seated.
Look at the body.
Look at the way it bends right in the middle.
Right where the chair bends.
You have an ass.
What do you think that is?
It is a seat cushion growing out of your body.
The ass is the first indication
that we're slowly evolving into chairs.
We began as primitive creatures crawling on the ground.
Then for thousands of years,
we crouched.
Finally, we stood fully upright,
came to our senses
and sat right back down again.
You don't.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
You hate to be,
you hate to be even a little disturbed
when you're in your chair,
like when you're in the nice theater here,
you see someone coming down your row.
Oh look at this.
The only time you're happy
to get up out of a chair is if you're going to a bed.
Bed beats chair.
Nothing beats bed.
Bed, it's the ultimate.
It's like royalty,
that's why it has names like king and queen.
You're in bed at night,
somebody calls,
they want to go out and you're like,
are you out of your mind?
Do you know where I am right now?
I'm in the bed.
And the people that called,
they feel awful that they called.
They're like, God,
he was in bed.
He was in bed.
Even death,
you want to be in bed.
They have a special bed for death,
your death bed.
'Cause you always read that,
he died in his death bed.
Why would you even buy a bed like that?
(audience laughing)
What chance do you have
of getting better sleeping in a death bed?
Where is that section in the furniture store?
These are our death beds over here.
We have the death side table,
death reading lamp.
Is that a death clock radio?
Yeah, but there's no snooze.
Either you get up or you don't.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Now cremation has become
the most popular form of burial in the United States,
which seems like a change in something
because people used
to want a big thick granite stone.
Their name carved into it with a chisel,
I was here damn it.
Cremation is like you're trying to cover up a crime.
Burn the body,
scatter the ashes around.
As far as anyone's concerned,
this whole thing never happened.
No, I don't want to be cremated.
I want the real straight up funeral thing.
Everyone's going to be there that I know I want
to be there too.
Right up at the front.
Dead as a doornail,
laid out like a six foot party sub.
(audience laughing)
Let them all sit there with
that creepy funeral feeling
that makes you think weird thoughts.
Funerals make you think things.
What if he just sat up right now?
And if the person did suddenly just sit up,
they could flow right back into living pretty easily.
They're dressed up,
their hair's done,
they're made up they look fantastic.
Once the screaming stopped,
I think everybody would be fine with that.
Why does the brain have crazy thoughts?
Like why is your brain suggesting
to you things you don't really want to do?
You'll be in the middle of a conversation
with somebody,
have a thought pop into your head,
I could probably kill this guy right now.
(audience laughing)
Have you thought that?
(audience applauding)
He asked me to hand him a scissor.
I can take that scissor and stab him.
I can kill him right now.
Why do I have suicide fantasies
to go along with my homicide fantasies?
And anytime I go over
to somebody's place where they have a terrace
or a balcony,
I always got to look right over that rail.
I can flip right over this rail.
Everybody here would freak out.
Oh my God he killed himself I don't believe it.
I was just about to stab him with a scissor.
Thank you very much.