I'm so excited to be here. I'm actually celebrating something tonight. I finally
just slept with my high school crush. Alright? Thank You!
Thank you. But now he like expects me
to go to his graduation.
Like I know where I'm gonna be in three years, right? Oh! Slow down!
Oh, kids! Kids.
Tomorrow's my mom's birthday. Um.
No. Don't clap. You don't know her. Uuuum. But I'm bringing her to a soccer game 'cause
I wanted to show her what boundaries look like, you know?
I'm like "Look!" She's like, "I don't see 'em." I'm like, "I know, stop calling my friends."
It's just she's always bragging about the dumbest stuff.
You know like the other day she was like "You know, I can still fit in my wedding dress."
It's like, Who cares? Right? I mean it is weird that she's the same size now
as she was when she was eight months pregnant, but I just...
don't think bragging's right. I don't think it's right.
I'm supposed to want kids. I don't know if I do. I'm 30.
I heard when you're a girl and you're thirty you're just like, "I need a baby" but I just don't
wanna, like, make anything with my body.
It seems creepy, but uh,
But no, I mean, I'm 30 years old. You know I think it's 'cause this is what I do for a living
You know, I get drunk every. I'm pretty drunk now.
Thank you! But no but the girls I grew up with, they're living normal adult lives.
So they call me now, and they're like, "Am(y), I'm pregnant", And I'm still like, "What're you gonna do?
I'm like, "I'll drive you."
They're like, "No!"
Weird!
I should like kids. That's my favorite reality show. You know the show: Teen Mom?
Or if you're from the south, Mom. 'Cause, why wait for a GED? That's stupid!
We all judge each other, right?
Like, I know, as soon as I walked out here, you guys are all like, "Oh, she's so beautiful!"
Thank You! You guys, it's so nice that you were all thinking that.
Um, I mean I work really hard, but uh,
But no, we do, we judge. I've lived in New York my whole life.
But people, they always, just like, assume I'm from the Midwest.
I've got that look about me
Right? It looks like I've milked something recently? Right? I know.
On the subway, I'm telling you, all the time people are always like, "Are you lost?"
I'm like, "No!"
They're like, "Are you Amish?" I'm like, "No! I just like wearing this bonnet! Like, why are you...?
It's my fault I look dope in a bonnet?
I don't think so! People think I'm shallow.
But I'm not. I like the guy I'm actually dating right now. He isn't even good looking.
He's not... at parties no one's ever like, "Who's that?" They're like , "Is he ok?"
Should we call someone? I'm like "No. That's his face.
That's his head. Um. Like, maybe we should call someone.
But, I've just never cared about stuff like that, you know?
Looks? Who cares, right? And he's so rich! that um...
it doesn't really come up.
but no no. He's cute! He is. He looks like one of the guys from the hills
(The Hills) Have Eyes. (A scary movie)
It's gross! It's really gross. I can't really talk
Like, I never get hit on. I never do. And, I know you guys are like, "But you're so perfect!"
Stop, you guys are so great. I can't believe you guys!
No, but I don't. The only time I get hit on is last call,
at the bar, right? That's it! That's what I am. The belle of the ball, 'cause I have a pulse.
It's like the lights go on. The men just start pacing, like gorillas.
They can only see by heat. They're like, "What is that?"
A predator? You see some dude a full black out, just start stumbling toward me like
a toddler learning how to walk,
pointing at his crotch, like, here!
I'm like, "I'll get us a cab." (a taxi)
I'm a good person. I am. I'm not racist at all. I'm proud of that.
But racism is an issue.
You know, we have to deal with it. Like, I was talking about this the other day.
I was hanging out with all my black friend
and I'm like, T'membe, or, whatever
Let's talk about it. And what was she saying?
She was like, "Girl..." ...like..., I couldn't understand her but she was pissed!
I'm like, "stop yelling, we're not at the movies!"
Thank you so much!