G'day, A.J. Mahari here have you been hurt by somebody discarded or ghosted by
a person with borderline personality disorder and are you wondering what's
gonna happen because with the new person what's gonna happen cuz it may be lined
up somebody maybe they cheated on you but they lined up somebody one way or
another before they discard it as people say or ghosted you more appropriately
probably well what is that about and the question that I get asked all the time
about that is so they're just kind of wanting to have a great life with this
other person this next guy this next woman and I'm like gonna miss out and
I'm gonna be alone and then I'm gonna be lonely and alone and then everybody's
gonna think it really was my fault have you ever thought that I've seen a
lot of people express that and so for a lot of people in relationships being
really hurt by somebody with BPD if the discard or the ghosting hasn't happened
yet you're afraid to let go or you're afraid not to be who verdure you're
afraid to action echo of the relationship or even go no contact
because you're thinking they're gonna be with someone else or maybe they've
already moved on but but in the case where maybe they haven't yet or you
don't know or maybe they have you're thinking that that's gonna leave you
know alone and lonely but that which can happen and it can hurt a lot right and
then you have to get into your own healing recovery journey but what if
this person then goes on and just everything's great for the next person
and then this idea that it's gonna be like it looks like it's all your fault
well first of all that's not true and secondly and whose eyes is it going to
look like it's all of your fault it's really important for you to think about
are you gonna think it's all your fault or is it then
person there with or is it somebody else or even in the cases where they might do
people with BPD an X or whatever the case might do a smear campaign you know
you can't control that and it's it's it can be painful but again what other
people think is is not your business like it for people of codependency it's
really difficult not to be concerned with how other people might think of you
but this idea that it's gonna look like all your fault cuz oh go on and being
another relationship real quick as if somehow because that happens a lot more
these days doesn't it but as if somehow that would be seen by healthier people
won't be seen by healthier people as reasonable or as some reason that you
should then be blamed for everything so and this idea that when they go on to
someone else and then you know what happens a lot is President BP might
ghost you and then they go and they are with someone else and maybe there's you
know you don't go no contact or whatever's in the meantime and then you
get hoovered and you get hoovered why and not all people at BP Hoover it's
really important remember that but why do you get hoovered because the
relationship can fall apart really quickly and in the case of many people
with BPD so this new relationship they started this idealization phase all over
again kid really crack with splitting really quickly sometimes it takes a lot
longer for some people BPD in relationships to go to that splitting
and devaluation that really kind of changes everything whether people
realize it the first time or the tenth time or the 80th time or whatever it
that you know but the first time that you really get to value by somebody with
BPD no matter how long you've been with them or how long that's taken to happen
after the idealization honeymoon phase it's never gonna be the same after the
first time but people don't realize that so often when they go off and they try
here they they just leave you and you don't really go no-contact but you
don't hear from them and then for some people it's a short period of time for
some people it's a longer period of time some people will never hear back from
them but they blow through the next person and then they hope are you back
and what do you think about what that really means in comparison to is it your
fault or isn't your fault or did you do something wrong is that where that goes
to do or discarded you and the thing is no it has it has unfortunately nothing
to do with you you know you'd think it would have something to do with you
because you were in this relationship with them but they totally don't see you
they don't attach to you and don't love you unless and until everybody's a
little different this but I would say it has to be almost full recovery
why because so many people with BPD can be mid-range recovery and know a lot
more intellectually but not have really identified in a in a deeper level of
therapy that true emotional self like who they really oughtn't eclis are
emotionally they might be doing that all from their heads so the important thing
to realize here is when you're ghosted or discarded by a person with BPD it's
not your fault and these fears that they're going to go on to have a great
relationship they can't they just can't because there's so much therapy that's
required for that to take place and that takes a long time for people with BPD
substantial amount it's not like a year of DBT or two years of DBT or a couple
to two or three or even five or six or seven years of therapy it's really a
long long process so they're not without all of that treatment which they can't
get quickly even if they can find it get into it
commit to it which is unlikely for a lot of people unfortunately BPD cuz they
just don't make those choices and if they haven't chosen it up to date but
even if they have it's not like they're gonna grow and change overnight so
really I hope that this video will help you to just think about that
what you're fearing the most when even goes that or discard it that they're
gonna move on and I just have happily ever after
it's not true and the other thing about it is when they do this to you right and
they they discard you goes to and they're off to the next person or
they've already set up you know who they're going to be with prior to even
leaving you or ghosting you which is another betrayal but they are not going
so it seems like you know they make it look like in that honeymoon idealization
and they get with people so quick they make it look all happy happy on social
media they do Facebook Instagram whatever you have to be very careful to
you know it's difficult for people but it's really better for your mental
health if you can just you know try to block that and not watch that because
that's kind of like what I've called you know a stealth reverse Hoover like
you're not in direct contact with the person but you are watching them or
what's going on with them on social media and everything on social media I
mean for a lot of these people definitely can look way better than it
is or they're having an idealisation honeymoon phase but then that's gonna
change and even if they're fighting and arguing already not getting along etc
this they're gonna better put out the happy you know we did this we did dad
black pictures so you have to realize that you're really not taking good care
of yourself there you could be really hurting yourself even more by looking at
that because it gives an image and often this illusion of a relationship that the
person that goes did you'd be with somebody else or is with somebody else
now and quickly often that illusion that somehow they're so happy and then there
you are and you're alone and you're only and you know there's a shock to
that and for people with codependency what you really need to think about is
what's really happen and why why do you think it's okay so many people do feel
this way and and it goes back to childhood woundedness - why do you think
it's okay to just maybe like if they come back you know you want them to come
back you want either you want them back or if you want them back let's start
with that why do you think it's okay why do you think it would be any different
the second or third or fourth or fifth or tenth time around and I say that with
respect because I work with lots of clients who've been around the cycle of
on-off on-off getting me who bird they take off they go stay go with someone
else they come back ten plus times and the thing is if you're gonna cycle back
with them it's never going to be any different so this other idea that it was
your fault that they did this to you did they just ghosted you know that's
another one of those things that of course people feel and people called
parents you're gonna feel guilty they're gonna feel like this is a horrible
experience that you're going to if you're in this position right now or you
have been or you are again no or you're in a relationship where you're staying
because you're afraid to let go even though you know you probably really need
to because you're afraid they'll go off and they'll be all like happy and it'll
be perfect with somebody else or it'll work out well with somebody else and
you'll miss something and you'll be left alone well the truth is people would BPD
have so much woundedness that they can't relate like healthy adults because
they're not healthy adults they still have all that wounding us from childhood
that they need to work on in therapy which takes many many years and more
than gbt therapy and so this idea that it was your fault no because they don't
really attach especially when untreated but even if treated midrange you see
this is the issue they might be able to attach some and
and I'm talking about the majority people bpe doesn't mean every last
single one up somebody with BP because because some people really get into
treatment some people really are changing their lives but even when
they're doing that many of them still can't have relationships they're still
so triggered so easily and maybe they're more aware of that and maybe they don't
even catch one they've been triggered again and split into valued somebody you
know in in some other kind of relationship or a family member or
something but the thing is they're not it's not your fault there's nothing you
could have done to have stopped them from what from their devaluation and the
way they saw you which goes back to their past woundedness it's really not
about you and I'll just add this how could it be about you when he didn't
even see you in the first place or most of the time and that's painful to to
realize and I understand that but so don't be thinking that it was all your
fault that or your fault really why they just ghosted you at all and then also
know they're not going to be happy with the other person the same thing is gonna
play out again and the next person with the person with BPD is gonna get
unfortunately as hurt as you might be right now and it's the shock of it all
and so if you're thinking that somehow this is gonna you know if you let go
over relationship or if you go no contact with somebody you're still kind
of waiting to see if they you know who were you back or not first of all they
don't know Hoover so you could be waiting a long time and kind of wasting
a lot of your life and being really focused on the person with BP after you
get ghosted or discarded or even just a breakup like like a you break up with
them it's still a very painful place to be for multi-leveled and lots of their
reasons that people need to get into therapy and I'm out here to help people
with if you resonate with me but the thing is you need to take action in your
life right now and you need to look at how much you're focusing on them but
please know it's not something that you did wrong it's not
your fault that they just up and took off like that and any relationship
breakup like that it's not it's their responsibility what they've done and how
they've left you with no closure and people with BPD unless and until well
you know really close to recovery not just some treatment unfortunately they
don't do closure they don't know how to do closure and remember they live so
much of their lives from the lenss dissociative Lee with triggered
emotional dysregulation of the past and it comes flying into the air now so they
really don't see who you are they're really not hearing you a lot of the time
they get triggered so easily so please know that if you've been ghosted or
discarded it's not your fault because it wouldn't have mattered if
you'd have done this differently said that differently not done this not said
that it's not like any any reason I mean okay wait let me put it this way when
they goes through discard you there is no reason behind it there is no logic
behind it it's not like if you tried harder or you did it done this or that
or the other or not done something it's got no rhyme or reason it's when they
just get triggered to a strong enough for lack of a better way to put it
strong enough a split of devaluation two valuing and they need distance really
badly from engulfed in fear and they just go and and they just sever and it
just cuts off because they totally this is where it's not there's there's
there's levels of splitting in the cycles when they get to the deepest
level of split it is cut off they go stay leave they're gone
maybe not forever but you know but it has nothing to do with you it really
didn't have anything to do with you it has all to do with goods what's
really happening inside of them that they're they're not even really aware of
so and then the last thing I just wanted to cover here quickly in this video was
the idea that you know like yes you will be left alone
had been left alone and it can be lonely and it can and it hurt to beyond
description I know that I don't even want to try to say that I mean I'm the
ax of two people with BPD and a BPM VD so I've been in your shoes and I know
that pain and it's almost indescribable right it just hurts so much
the here's what I want you to think about that pain yes it hurts so much
because they just betrayed you and maybe it wasn't the first betrayal like maybe
in many ways they betrayed you and they didn't see you and they likely weren't
attached to you in most cases and they don't know how to love in any healthy
adult consistent congruent way and so you're really hurting and please
understand and think about the fact that yes you're hurting from what just
happened or what happened while ago you are maybe over focused on knowing more
about BPD etc and people have to work at that because you're trying to find
something out about the pain of the ending of the relationship which you
might really feel like it is your fault it's not your fault it's not your
responsibility at all so there's that and then there's the
fact that this triggers people with codependency which is most people were
in these relationships back to something that is to one degree or another an
adverse childhood experience from your life and you have that wounded inner
child I'm always talking about to one degree or another and you know the more
I work with clients on this and I've been doing it for over thirty years now
but the more it you know this is what I would encourage people to get some help
and if I resonate with you I'm out here to help you people look back over their
past you know over the childhood and they're like well but I can't I don't
think like my parents weren't that bad or my childhood was okay because when
you're when you're in so much pain from just being goes to by borderline and
that relationship rupture because it's not even you'd say it might be an ending
for good you don't know it should be for you really when they slam the door in
your face you need to leave it closed take that harder route toward finding
out more about yourself and healing yourself but what I was gonna say was
you are not just hurting because of them
you're hurting because of something deeper from your past and I help people
with that inner child healing family of origin working self differentiation and
that's the process that's going to help you the most when after a relationship
rupture it's not even like a breakup or if it was a breakup with somebody with
BPD that's what people with codependency need so just know and by the way there's
when I add in here really quickly to your loneliness that's what I'll do a
whole other video on why you're feeling so lonely what is that loneliness and
people are always saying I'm just I'm trying to get rid you know I'm trying to
get rid of this loneliness and there's a reason you can't get rid of it and I'll
talk more about that in an upcoming video just know you've been ghosted or
discarded by somebody with BPD or you're afraid to let go because of what I said
earlier you need to take care of yourself so you need to let go if that's
the case and that's Sapir holding you back and don't try to work on how much
you're worried about what other people think of you it's very it's not easy for
people to do and so just know that because you were ghosted or as some
people use the word discarded which i think belongs more to narcissus but
whatever it had nothing to do with you actually
and that's painful to know too because they were so not attached and they were
so seeing you as a parent figure right that wounding parent that just no it's
not your fault but now it's gonna be your responsibility to make some really
difficult choices for yourself to take care of yourself to learn more about
yourself to leave the door closed that day slam closed take care