It's still barely a movie. Airhead and the Goomba Warthog.
By the way, there is a version of this that came with a doll!
I was some said I didn't get the doll version of this.
Beauty:
Phelous (as candle): Don't worry, my dear, I, Lumiere, will sa--
--oh, dead again.
Beauty: I'm not going to scream.
Female voice: Well, I should hope not, dearie!
Phelous: Ah, it's human Mrs. Potts!
In look AND character, pretty much, as she takes the place of...
...well, the rest of the side characters at the castle.
Though she'll mostly be useless.
Not Mrs. Potts: Oh! Oh, I've just got to fix these doors someday.
Phelous: And she can't tell the difference between windows and doors!
Beauty: My goodness, that's amazing!
Phelous (as not-Potts): That's what you think, dearie! I'm too busy for this! Now let me leave, VIA the door!
Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!
The voice actor for this character and a couple others, Susan Silo, is actually the only one with a credit on IMDb.
Another site lists a couple other actors including Darran Norris, not Daran Norris
But this gets a little confusing as the cover shown is actually for the OTHER Golden Films Beauty and the Beast
So I don't know what's accurate for this or the other film.
I do at least know that Susan Silo's credit for THIS one is correct
as I recognize her voice for Clara from another production. An actual Disney one even.
Neptunia from Darkwing Duck: Ha ha ha ha! Honey, you're more fun than a barrel of sea monkeys!
Of course I'm the one!
Not-Potts: The name's Clara. I'm the cook. I'm also the housekeeper, the gardener, and in a pinch...
...I can do a bit of magic.
Phelous: Oh! Well it sure was nice of you to use your magic to stop the Beast
from threatening to kill my father and I, you're such a wonderful person, Clara.
Clara: Now honey. Let's feed you.
Beauty: But... but where's the Beast?
Clara: Oh, don't worry, sweetheart. He's already eaten.
Beauty: No. I mean I... I thought he was going to...
Beast: ...kill you?
Beauty:
Beast: I frightened you, didn't I.
Phelous (as Beast): I'm really scary. Right? Right? You were SCARED, right?
Phelous (as Beauty's "thoughts") I hope a fly doesn't get in my mouth.
Beast: We shall speak tomorrow.
Beauty: But I thought you meant to kill me.
Phelous: Come on, hurry up with that, right?
Beast: I... cannot bring myself to do it. Consider this to be your castle.
Phelous (as Beast): See? I'm a great guy!
I decided to NOT kill you 'cause you give me a big hairy warthog mushroom boner
Beauty: Thank you for sparing my life.
Phelous (as Beast): Whoa, whoa, whoa, this isn't the Beauty and the Beast PORNO, woman!
Beast: Perhaps someday, you will be my wife.
Phelous: Yeah, why develop towards that? She's probably almost there anyway
after all the not-killing of her father and holding her hostage
She must have quite the response to such an asinine statement.
Beauty:
Phelous: Well said.
Beauty: Beast. Oh, kind Beast.
Phelous: Yeah, he gave you a room with a bunch of dresses made for a giant.
Who the hell even CARES about that whole freedom thing anymore?
So believe it or not, she's pretty much content immediately
so we have to get some friction elsewhere
Fairy: Hello, Beauty. I am the fairy of the castle.
Beauty: And you've come to tell me Beast is really kind and gentle, no matter what he looks like on the outside?
Fairy: No, I come to warn you not to be fooled by him.
Phelous: Here's a few things I love about this scene:
Beauty's no-shits-given attitude to a fairy popping in.
Her Insistence the pig mushroom that'll kill at the pluck of a rose MUST be a great guy
And the fairy's, nah, you're an idiot, he's a dick
Fairy: Beware of the Beast, Beauty!
Phelous (as fairy): And now for a grand exit, for some reason despite just teleporting in
Ai-yai-yah!...
Beauty (upset): It can't be! He couldn't!
Phelous: Wow, DON'T kill a girl and give her a few oversize dresses
and you must be Prince Fucking Charming!
(as Beauty): Hey, Clara what was it that got me and my father in this situation? Oh well!
Phelous: Of COURSE It doesn't matter if you pick the roses in the greenhouse.
Only the roses growing in the horseshit by the stables are penalty-of-death important.
Beauty: Oh Clara, the greenhouse is so wonderful.
Clara (disinterested): Yeah, sure, sure it is.
Beauty: Just imagine, it's winter outside, yet we have all these beautiful flowers in here.
Clara (clearly doing this against her will): Uh huh, yeah, it's just great.
Phelous: Wow! We've gotten to the point where even the characters are disinterested in the plot.
Beauty: One night a fairy came to me, but she told me Beast has a cold heart.
What do you think of Beast?
Clara: Honey, I make it a point never to talk about my boss.
Phelous: Ha ha, oh Clara, you are exceedingly useless aren't you?
(as candle): Ho ho! The return of Lumiere... oh screw it, I know this is just gonna end badly. I quit.
(as Beast): Awkwaaaaard....
Beauty: Why do you never eat with me?
Beast: You eat as a human does.
I am a beast, and I must eat as a beast does.
Phelous (as Beauty): Oh, no, my brother... Long John.
(as Beast): Was that really his name?
(as Beauty): Ummmm, like, 50% sure.
Beast: Will you come out onto the balcony with me?
Phelous (as Beauty): Who's Balcony?
Phelous: So we get a repeat of the opening scene sans the spoiler music,
now that it's no longer spoilers, though apparently these two crazy shitters still hear it.
Beauty: You dance so well. Beast: Even a beast can love music.
Phelous: Who's playing music?! Is Clara a one-man band?
(as Clara, unclear): Whoa whoa whoa, ain't this a Beauty in the Asswipe, or something.
Tale as old as, oh shit, that's the other one.
Aah, who gives a fuck, gonna go piss on those flowers.
Beauty: This has been a glorious night, Beast. How can I thank you?
Beast: By being my wife. Won't you marry me, Beauty?
Beast: How foolish of me to think you might accept.
Beauty: Dear Beast, I will always be your friend.
Oh no! I'm in the friend Zone!
Beast: And yet there is nothing I would refuse you.
Beauty (using her brain for the first time): Then let me visit my father.
Phelous (as Beast): Whoa, whoa when I said anything, I didn't mean ANYTHING.
Beast: You do not know what you ask.
If you leave me, then I shall die of loneliness
Phelous: Die of loneliness??
What a fucking wiener Beast, right? RIGHT??
I'm alone here.
The loneliness!
(as Clara): Beast, can you take the trash out today?
(as Beast): I'm afraid not, for on the journey to the end of the driveway, I'll DIE. Of LONELINESS.
Clara: If you can't be bothered, just say so!
Beauty: Just give me one week to visit my family.
Beast: My heart could not bear to be apart from you longer.
I would surely die if it was but a day more than the week you asked for.
Phelous: Wow, Mr "I'm a Hairy Pussy" has this down to an exact science
Guess he's gonna watch his loneliness meter
But the Beast allows her her week-long trip and she goes to bed, ever so excited to see that wonderful family
of the brothers who blend into the background
the two bitches that insisted she go die
and the dick who LEFT her there to die!
(as Old Man): HEEE-EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Beauty: I'm going home. I'm going home at last.
First antelope: Is she dreaming this, or is this actually happening?
Iago Antelope: I don't know! This scene makes no sense, I'm outta here!
Fairy: This is a golden opportunity for you, Beauty.
Once you are away from the castle, the Beast cannot make you return.
Phelous (as fairy): Also, they seem to have misplaced my glow effect a little bit.
Uh, could you help me with that...
Beauty: But he seems so sweet. He told me.
Phelous: He TOLD you he was sweet? I guess you can't argue with THAT.
The fairy even tells her the beast has had several women to the castle
before killing them after they started draining his loneliness meter
and even gives an impressive light show as proof.
Beauty: I'm not gonna let some silly dream scare me.
Phelous: Wow. Would have been better off warning a plank of wood.
Would have gotten a bigger response.
Yeah, we all know that the beast isn't REALLY gonna be evil
but this doesn't even raise the tiniest bit of suspicion with her?
And since not, we accomplished absolutely nothing with this scene
other than Beauty's amazing ability to barely be a human being
So, really, Beast?? You're sure SHE keeps you from dying from loneliness?
Beauty: I'm home!
Somehow!
Yeah, her family has moved since the farm, and she only dreamt she was on the trip, apparently
So she just appeared out of fat air!
Sure, the Beast gave her a return teleport ring
but all he said was it'd make her return to the castle
not just appear in another bed the next day.
And whose bed was she in?
Old Man: Uh... Beauty!
Phelous (as Old Man): That was her name, right? Took me a bit to think of it there, apparently.
(normal voice): And then Beauty is so drugged, she just blankly stares at the wall
while her father tries in vain to get her to actually look at him
Truly a wondrous reunion!
Old Man: Somehow, in my heart, I knew you were still alive, my Beauty.
Phelous (as Old Man): You think she bought that? That gets me off the hook, right?
Robert: Beauty! Now that you're back for good, we can all enjoy the treasure the Beast gave father.
Beauty: But Robert, I promised Beast I could only stay for one week
If I stay any longer he will die.
Nathan: Then let him die!
Beauty: No, Nathan. Beast is my friend.
Nathan: Then let him die!
Beauty: He treats me tenderly, with affection, and at his castle nothing is denied me.
Nathan: Then let him die!
Beauty: I have riches beyond measure. Beautiful gowns and perfumes.
And the friendship of one who cares for me.
Nathan: Then let him die!
Phelous: Holy shit this family is creepy with the blank smiles
At least the evil sisters let you know where they stand
and act like normal, miserable human beings.
Rather than "I was I were Gaston" smiling while saying "Let him die!"
Old Man: I'm sad to see you go.
Beauty: I feel sure Beast will let me come visit you again sometime.
Old Man: Despite the way he looked when I saw him, I am content that you are with him.
Phelous (as Old Man): I'm sure he's a great guy
once you get past that "I'll murder you or your family for picking a flower" thing.
(normal voice): But before she can go, the evil stepless sisters' new devious plan.
is to make Beauty stay longer and...
Nathan: let him die!
Which they'll do by... asking if she'll stay longer.
Beauty: Well, I suppose I could stay... one more day.
Phelous: Yeah, it's not a matter of life and death or anything.
Beast (to recap): I would surely die if it was but a day more than the week you asked for.
Beauty: I suppose I could stay... one more day.
Glad she'll just assume it's all good, too
when she has a freaking Teleport Back to the Castle Ring on her finger
Couldn't just pop back to the castle and see if Wiener Boy's collapsing from lack of dance or not.
And why did these two idiots want Beauty around?
They didn't like her 'cause they thought she'd steal all their men.
So she's out of your way locked up in a castle of Ganon's loser cousin. Isn't that a win?
Oh well, at least Beauty's changed into her golden dress.
Glad that's not like something from the other one or anything.
<"Magic" teleportation sounds>
Beauty: Clara, what are you doing here?
Phelous: Clara, what are YOU doing here?
I had to.
Clara: Trying to save Beast's life, as if you cared.
Phelous: Don't know if you care that much either, Clara
considering you probably could have stopped by and said "hey, what's up?"
so he wouldn't die of the loneliness plague.
Or is talking to you worse than no one at all?
Also, if Clara could pop back at any time, maybe pop back and get Beauty
before the idiot is on the ground dying of a loneliness attack?
(as Beauty): Wow, I thought he was just being overly dramatic
This is just stupid.
Beauty: You're alive, Beast. Beast: But dying.
But I die happily. At least I knew you for a short time.
Beauty: I would marry you, Beast.
Beast: I dreamt I heard the words... I have waited so long to hear.
Phelous (as Beauty): Oh, well, that was kind of a "if you had died" thing.
You don't usually expect someone to recover from DEATH
Even one so incredibly lame as extreme loneliness.
Beauty: But where's my Beast?
Phelous: Right in front of you!
All right, cut guys, someone jumped ahead on the script.
Human Beast: I am he.
Many years ago a spell was...
Phelous (as Beauty): Eww! I wanted to marry a beast!
Human Beast: ...a spell was placed on me by an evil fairy, and I was imprisoned in a beast's body.
Phelous: Wow, that is the lamest version of this story ever.
There wasn't even a lesson in this for the Beast. He didn't grow as a character.
It's just, "an evil fairy did it!"
Speaking of, she was Clara's sister.
Who she's decided to stop now. Off-screen.
Despite knowing she was around over a YEAR ago.
Maybe Clara just woke up today and remembered, "oh yeah.
I'm a more powerful witch than her, I CAN stop her! I forgot!"
Clara: Your spell's been broken and now you're powerless!
Phelous: Because the spell was broke she's powerless?
Geez, I sure hope the years of a dude being a Beast in the castle were worth it to her.
Clara: Beauty, to show my gratitude to you for breaking my sister's evil spell
You and your prince will rule this land forever.
Phelous: Wow, you can just FORCE everyone under their rule?
Huh, that sure sounds... remarkably EVIL??
Good job?
Yeah, I have the power to make you two rule forever
but I have a problem with win-- I mean doors,
changing sheets, and watering flowers.
There is a price to this, though. Prince Buttchin will become a new beast with mismatching eyebrows.
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
The End!
I'm not taking it back!
(as Old Man): And that's the story of how I sold Beauty again to ANOTHER Beast for even more money!
(normal voice): This is a really rushed and pretty bad telling of the Beauty and the Beast story
Beauty is an absolute PLANK.
She is very expressionless, and dully floats around from scene to scene
Belle had a character, and would stand up to the Beast in the Disney version.
But the biggest fuss Beauty put up here is when the Beast didn't promptly kill her.
Her father was an ass who left her to die
and for some reason almost half of this film was focused around him.
This left very little time for any development of that whole,
you know, Beauty and the Beast story, of which there is basically none.
There was no change in his character
So he is still the ass who was gonna kill over a rose
and then almost fell over dead over having to wait an extra day for someone to come home.
That's both impressively weak and stupid. What, did leaving the castle not occur to ya?
He's not stuck there in this version as he threatened to seek out Old Man
if he didn't come back and sell out his daughter. What an ugly man and an ugly movie.
That's right. It was the Beast that killed the Beauty.
And that line really isn't poetic at all when you reverse it, now that I think about it.
Worst King Kong review ever!
<"Oh Phelous 2014" plays through credits>
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All I wanted was a good time and instead all I get was Lion and the King!
Wait what?!