-Welcome. Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
You're here. You made it.
Thank you for watching at home.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, the weather right now is crazy.
A state of emergency has been declared here in New York
as a massive nor'easter slams the East Coast with heavy rain,
flooding, and intense winds.
Yep, we're in a state of emergency,
or as Facebook calls it, "Tuesday."
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, it's gross out there.
Right now, the entire East Coast smells like damp mask.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, we're dealing with that intense wind where
your mask blows off your face and lands onto someone else's.
[ Laughter ]
Wait, I'm vaxxed. Are you vaxxed?
[ Laughter ]
Here in New York City, the streets were so flooded,
all the shrimp at Bubba Gump made a break for the Hudson.
[ Laughter ]
Let's go, boys! Yeah.
That's right. Already, thousands have lost power,
making it the one time people actually turned on
their iPhone flashlights on purpose.
It's like, "Oh, that's what it's for."
[ Laughter ]
Let's get to some news.
Of course, everyone's been talking about Facebook lately,
and Mark Zuckerberg just announced that he's "retooling"
the social-media platform towards young adults
and away from older users.
Honestly, just make it a little harder to sign in
and you'll never see an old person on Facebook again.
[ Laughter ] That's all you got to do.
[ Applause ] "How many stop signs?
Scan my face?"
My aunt's gonna have a lot of free time.
She can't use Facebook to write "love this"
under every inspirational quote. [ Laughter ]
You're really inspired today. Wow.
Meanwhile, today executives from TikTok and Snapchat testified
before a Senate panel for the first time.
Usually, the only tick-tock on Capitol Hill
is coming from a senator's pacemaker.
[ Laughter ]
"It's not ticking anymore. You better --"
[ Laughter ] Give it a little --
There, now it's working again.
Yeah, it was hours of tech executives
trying to explain their apps to senators.
Experts are calling it a preview of your family at Thanksgiving.
[ Laughter ]
"So how do I get to the Snapchat?"
[ Laughter ]
Yep, senators believe social media is corrupting our teens,
and they might be on to something,
because a bunch of 15-year-olds barged in
for a "lick a senator" challenge.
[ Laughter ]
"Take his flag pin then throw bologna at him."
[ Laughter ]
That's a challenge. -That's a challenge.
-Yeah, of course. -Wet mask.
-Yeah. That's right.
A TikTok executive appeared before Senate.
It was pretty interesting.
Here's what happened when they asked why TikTok
has so much misinformation on its platform.
♪ -Out to play ball so we could ruin them ♪
♪ Mama said that it was okay ♪
♪ Mama said that it was quite alright ♪
[ Cheers and applause ] -Yeah.
Some more news from Washington.
President Biden is still negotiating
his new spending bill with Congress and hopes to have
a deal by the end of this week.
Biden's bill started at $3.5 trillion
and now it's down to about $2 trillion.
Right now he's like a guy at the airport taking stuff
out of his bag to get it under 50 pounds.
He's like, "I don't think I need shirts, right?
How much are we going to wear shirts, right?"
[ Laughter ]
"I guess I could wear my ski boots on the plane."
[ Laughter ]
The deal is getting held up 'cause senators Joe Manchin
and Kyrsten Sinema keep adding stipulations.
It's getting nuts.
Right now they won't sign the bill
until Kyrie Irving is allowed to play for the Nets.
[ Laughter ]
Some business news -- Hertz just announced that it's buying
100,000 Teslas for its fleet of rental cars.
Yep. Then to give Hertz a taste of their own medicine,
Tesla said, "Sorry, we don't have any Teslas right now.
Is a Kia Rio okay?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
Thank you.
"That's all we have. Sorry.
And with this rental, you keep this car."
[ Laughter ]
"It's your problem -- I mean, your car now."
[ Laughter ]
Hey, I read about a man in Georgia who's facing
federal charges after he spent over $57,000
in COVID relief funds on a single Pokemon card.
[ Laughter ]
Wow. His wife would be so embarrassed if she existed.
[ Laughter and applause ]
It's gonna be rough when he gets to prison
and he explains he's there because he loves Squirtle.
You know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ]
-Oh! Oh, oh! -Hey, guys, get this.
I heard about a guy who bought a Six Flags annual pass.
How about this deal?
You get the Six Flags annual pass, right?
It allows you to get unlimited food for 150 bucks.
He's eaten nearly all of his meals at Six Flags ever since.
[ Laughter ]
Of course, all the money he saved is now going to doctors
to get his cholesterol down from 1,000.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, a man in Lithuania broke a world record
by sitting up to his neck in a container of ice
for three hours.
[ Audience oohs ]
Then he stood up and broke the record
for most disappointed girlfriend.