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- How much of the child's reaction do you think is
from just their personality they were born with
as opposed to how they're being influenced by the parents?
- So I think it's a combination.
Sometimes there are children with temperaments that are
a little bit more anxious to begin with,
a little bit more clingy, but also parents can
produce that behavior in their child if they're
kind of unpredictable in their parenting,
meaning sometimes they are there,
they're very sensitive to their child,
and other times they're nowhere to be found.
And I think sometimes parents unwittingly provoke
this type of attachment style on their child.
For example, very busy parents, you know,
they're actually working very hard to make ends meet.
But as a little child, you don't realize that
your parent was gone for 10 hours because they were working.
And so when they're home, they're actually pretty engaged
with you and they are there to meet your needs
but then there's other days where they come home
and they're exhausted.
And so you have a lot of needs and the parent says
you know what, I just need a few minutes alone
and then they take that to personal offense.
And so you can see how sometimes
very well-meaning parents can accidentally cultivate
a preoccupied child just because, again,
of their own needs and them being busy.
- Right. - Oftentimes,
children who are anxiously preoccupied
throughout their life, they get sort of re-experiences
that strengthen that type of attachment style,
like maybe the relationship that they choose as adults
they keep choosing dismissive partners
or partners who can't meet their needs,
and so then they keep reinforcing that belief
about themselves that maybe they're unlovable
and they don't wanna like, sit with that,
and that's why they have a hard time being alone.
- So with no awareness, are we most likely
to mimic the attachment style we were raised in?
- Yes, yes, and I think there's a theory that
you end up seeking partners that are kind of similar
to your parents and you basically reenact the same thing
over and over again, whether it's some type
of a trauma or not.
And so if you were a child who felt like you were
constantly reaching for your parent for support
and they were sometimes there and sometimes not,
as adults, you're attracted to people
who also sort of have those tendencies
where they kind of get busy with their own lives,
and again, maybe they love you but you know,
they just don't have a lot of bandwidth
to be dealing with your insecurities all the time.
And so I don't really find, for example, that many,
many people who have the preoccupied attachment style
actually end up being with each other,
although sometimes that does happen.
They tend to seek out partners that are different
from them in terms of their attachments styles
and oftentimes replicating the parenting style
of their caregivers.
- Got it, now it's important to mention here, though,
that there's not just one cause for any of those.
I mean, it can be a hodgepodge of things.
But I think it helps people kind of see
where, what parts of their history might be influencing
their current behavior today.
- Absolutely, and as adults, these individuals
will oftentimes have a great difficulty
navigating relationships.
They tend to ask for a lot from their partners
in terms of nurturance.
In some ways, they don't have
a stable self-esteem, internally
so they have to keep getting validation from people.
And it's like almost a few minutes later,
they forgot that validation, they have to seek it again.
So oftentimes, these individuals will end up
in relationships in which they're not very happy.
They've given up all kinds of their own needs
and wants to satisfy the other person's needs and wants
and they still feel like they're left out in the cold.
And these individuals are also more at risk
for abusive relationships because, again,
their need for nurturance is so high that
they're willing to succumb themselves
to extremely distressing situations to not be alone.
And these individuals, oftentimes adults,
you'll see them kind of hop from relationship
to relationship, they're serial daters,
they have a hard time being alone,
and when they're alone, they become very distressed.
And it goes for friendships as well, so they prefer
to be with their friends instead of by themselves
and they will put themselves in uncomfortable situations
just to not be alone.
So even if all of their friends are doing something that
they really don't wanna do, they'll go along with the group
as opposed to staying home alone.
- How does a parent foster more of that secure attachment
within their child, especially when the child is
showing really intense anxiety and almost a temper tantrum
when that parent leaves?
- Yeah, and this is a good question because there is
an interaction between the parents
and the child's temperament, right?
So temperament is something that we think of as innate.
You know, certain children, they're just more smiley,
they just make more eye contact with people around them.
Other children are not, they're more fussy.
And these things relate to temperament, it's sort of thought
to be something that's kind of inborn.
And so I think in general, parents sometimes foster
whatever they see in front of them.
So if there's a child whose temperament is
more clingy and anxious, perhaps a mother will
also reflect more anxiety.
Like, "Oh my gosh, are they gonna be okay on their own?
"Maybe I shouldn't go out on date night with my husband
"because what if my child needs me?"
But actually, in some ways, that reinforces
the anxiety in your child.
Because children are actually quite intuitive
and they can sense emotions in their caregivers, right?
And so I think it's interesting because
when you see that dynamic, you can kind of see that
almost, it's like a chicken and an egg syndrome
after a while, so what's really happening here.
And so I think as parents, you have
to monitor your own feelings,
irrespective of your child's temperament in some ways.
It's sort of like okay, the child is acting very anxious,
that brings up a lot of anxiety in me.
So in some ways, you have to modulate your own emotions
and appear more calm so that the child can
really learn from that and say, "Oh, maybe there's
"nothing to be anxious about.
"I need to start to learn how
"to self-soothe those feelings."
And so I think some of it is that parents being
really in-tune to that and still maintaining structure
despite your child's temperament.
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